Quickies

@rondetto Said

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?"
I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she’s an optician!"

___

Girlfriend: "Babe I want and really like these pair of shoes but I left my purse at home."
Me: "How much are they?"
GF: "£750."
Me: Opens wallet...
GF: Excited...
Me: "Here's £10. Get a taxi and go fetch your purse. I'll wait for you here!"

___

"Does anybody remember the good old days before Twitter, Facebook and Instagram when we used to take a picture of our dinner, take the roll of film to get developed and go around our friends houses to show them?"
"No?"
"Me neither, now put that damn camera away."

___

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a bloody what?"

___

A German tourist jumped into a freezing river to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said. "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine."
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He said. "I'm bloody soaking."

___