Chuckle time.....

A Brief Affair

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

A Lawyer's Priorities

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beatiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to f*** her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"

Square Balls?

A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?"

"Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."

Still A Virgin

"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"

"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."

"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

Bear With Me

Wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends.

One summer, he invited a lawyer from Czechoslovakia to visit him. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears: a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

the lawyer cried "He's in THAT one!", pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled mail fled into the woods.

"Why did you do that?" the layer said, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," sheriff replied. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

The Brass Rat

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it -- it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.

The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."

The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper's terms, and left with the rat.

At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But, as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a life rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.

The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.

The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper's warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the rat into the water, where they drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, no refunds. I don't want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can't return the merchandise."

The man smiled, and replied, "Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know -- do you have a brass lawyer in stock?"

Reasons The 80's Were A Cooler Time To Grow Up Than The 90's

10) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

9) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swish), and they didn't cost $125.

8) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

7) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

6) In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.

5) In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school -- unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. NSync. New Edition vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.

3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.

2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.

A Blonde Finally Wins

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Surgery

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Top Ten Hobbies Of Darth Vader

10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls

9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"

8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits

7) Genealogy

6) Using the force to learn to juggle

5) Mortal Kombat 5436

4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship

3) Late nights with a pain droid

2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma

1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet

Top Ten Reasons Han Won't Let Chewie Take The Falcon For A Spin

1. Chewie insists on putting 'Don't Like My Driving? Call 1-800-EAT-FODDER' on the back of the Falcon.

2. Han stopped letting Chewie take the controls after nasty encounter with bounty hunter at Ord Mantel when Chewie flipped him the bird.

3. Friends don't let friends fly when they're in heat.

4. Chewie always puts the deep-space communications bandwidth on KWOOKIE: less talk, more rock.

5. Chewie's already punctured the airbags with those damned claws of his.

6. When Chewie tells Han to 'punch it' in wookie, it loses some effect and doesn't sound as cool when spoken in English.

7. Chewie constantly forgets to flush, and the stench has started to erode the circuits in the holo-chess game.

8. Chewie always wants to go to Mos Eisley to pick up some digitless babes with horns.

9. Chewie insists Han to sing the low parts in showtunes when they go on long voyages together.

10. He's always wanting to drag with Imperial Star Destroyers.

Darth Vader's Top Ten Pet Peeves

10. Having to live a good part of my live with the name 'Anakin.'

9. Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps appearing in the middle of the night saying 'I told you so!'

8. Boba Fett gets all the chicks.

7. All I did was torture hundreds of innocent people, wipe out an entire generation of Jedi Knights, assist in destroying the rightful government in exchange for a malevolent dictatorship, destroy a planet, torture my daughter that I didn't even know existed, chop off my son's hand and I'm the bad guy.

6. The way G.M. tries to skirt around installing new safety features (Whoops! Sorry, that's a Ralph Nader pet peeve).

5. That darn Energizer bunny.

4. Whenever I eat at a KFC, everyone jokes that I'll only eat dark meat.

3. Wiseguys who come up to me saying 'This is CNN.'

2. When appearing together at military functions, The Emperor always insists on wearing his 'I'm with stupid' T-shirt.

1. I'm seen as a dark lord representative of all that's evil, but Newt Gingrich is a national celebrity.

Humor: Barber Shop.


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to
the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut....she is eating a snack
cake... the barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your twinkie."

"I know, "she replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."


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