Stuart's Jokes Corner

Well exercise your funny bone inside this thread, however sexual jokes are welcome but not too explict due to the forum regulations set by the administration.

Stuart.

Have fun.

anyone heard about the new car on the market ?...

it`s so smart , that if u have 3 points on ur license .. it hides behind a tree .


Name five great kings that have brought happiness into people's lives

answer:

Drin-king, Fuc-king, lic-king, suc-king, and everyones

favorite wan-king


I parked in a disabled spot today, and a traffic warden shouted to me, "oi what's your disability", I said tourettes you c*** now f*** off.

How To Give Pills To Cats And Dogs

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CATS

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Remove pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Remove pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for data of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the stubborn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to the neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


DOGS:


1. Wrap it in bacon... toss it ..... (job done!)

thats funny as

I hope u got heaps of points for that and saw the baboon.

I love the cat list our dog will eat pills if you just give it to him...

haha the cat one is hilarious

Now thats a good one for a cat joke, my cat jumps on my mum's organ and starts to play a church hymn.

That cat one is so damn true ive laughed so much im crying

Joe Mama's so fat that he was arrested by Canada and Mexico for sneaking through the border.