"SpicedSugar here..."  spicedsugar
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, California
Joined: May 2008 |
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At the age of 14, I became the mother of two fully-grown adults. One past 50 years of age, the other nearing mid-40s; my mother and father, respectively.
In the past, my role was to be the hot topic for the bearer of bad news. I caused my father pain; my mother worry. Neither knew what to do with me. Should they send me to counseling?
What you have just read would be happening still, if the sun had not risen today. My father frowning and brooding as he drove me to school, like a sulking child worn-out from his tantrum. Complaining through clenched teeth of the pain my mother's caused him, the hurt, the abuse, the neglect. He seethes from her attitude towards him.
My mother, on the other hand, is frantic about money. It's true; she's a work-aholic. She's obsessed with being an aesthetician of her own business. She pays for school and vacation trips; but there's always too much to do. No time to set aside for her husband, portraying himself as calm, instead of showing her his strife.
For years (as far as I can remember, before turning age 3), they've bickered and argued over details, big and small. Good communication between them is for wishful thinking; not for a marital battle zone. Each snarl and shout drives a question that haunts my by-chance sleep: when will the divorce papers come in?
Logic lassos my wild imagination; hog-typing it with facts. To them, divorce is a failure. It's ok for others to do it, but not themselves. As Catholics, they simply cannot, it would destroy holy matrimony's sanctity. As parents, how will their kids react? The eldest has been through it once before. The youngest (me) is unpredictable. With this, the storm calms itself. The sky returns to its intense blue...for now.
But still you wonder: how can it be, a now 17 yr old a parent to her own? Recall to mind your own kids or reflect upon another's. Look at how the parents shift their emotions to match the children's needs. A sad mom fakes a smile; a dad absentmindedly hugs his child, while talking about business on the phone | |
adrinachrome
| I know what it's like to be your own parent by the age of 17 although for reasons entirely different then your own.
I imagine that what you're going through now must surly be one of the hardest thing a child of someone can go through.
What can I say? It probably wont get any easier, it probably wont stop (by the looks of it), maybe you can find solace in the fact that at least they're still together, maybe.
They say that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, but for people who know, knows that, THAT particular statement is bulls***. We can only hope to make the best of the situation we're in, it may make us stronger, but it might also make us more terrible.
When you say detached I think I know where you're coming from, so much easier to deal with the things that hurt us on the inside when we remove ourselves emotionally form the problem.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but its hoe I feel about it, as I said we were in different situations, but that is how I felt.
Soon enough you'll be able to move on your own, and then things will get easier, maybe not better, but easier.  |
spicedsugar
| @adrinachrome Said I know what it's like to be your own parent by the age of 17 although for reasons entirely different then your own.
I imagine that what you're going through now must surly be one of the hardest thing a child of someone can go through.
What can I say? It probably wont get any easier, it probably wont stop (by the looks of it), maybe you can find solace in the fact that at least they're still together, maybe.
They say that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, but for people who know, knows that, THAT particular statement is bulls***. We can only hope to make the best of the situation we're in, it may make us stronger, but it might also make us more terrible.
When you say detached I think I know where you're coming from, so much easier to deal with the things that hurt us on the inside when we remove ourselves emotionally form the problem.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but its hoe I feel about it, as I said we were in different situations, but that is how I felt.
Soon enough you'll be able to move on your own, and then things will get easier, maybe not better, but easier.
first, wow. we're actually having a serious convo. 
sorta. then i kill that seriousness 
well, it's true...
i'm one of those who obviously likes to laugh a lot. don't tend to share my feelings... so... i keep it all in.
and it works, oddly 
i mean, yes i should be sharing..but... i find it's better for me to not bother everyone with them. i mean, i'm LUCKY. i have my parents still together. i have so much going for me. and yet... i just can't help wishing my parents would just... go away. i'll even pay for it. send them on vacation. ANYTHING... just to get away... |
adrinachrome
| Yeah, I tend to be the same way, who the f*** needs to hear about my problems? I'll deal with them on my own. For 24 years that was my motto, and then some bad things happened and I kinda had a nervous break down (if you can kinda have such a thing) I'm still that way actually, but you gotta know when the point comes when you HAVE to talk to someone, s*** anyone.
as for the parent thing, december 4th isnt that far away. |
spicedsugar
| @adrinachrome Said Yeah, I tend to be the same way, who the f*** needs to hear about my problems? I'll deal with them on my own. For 24 years that was my motto, and then some bad things happened and I kinda had a nervous break down (if you can kinda have such a thing) I'm still that way actually, but you gotta know when the point comes when you HAVE to talk to someone, s*** anyone.
as for the parent thing, december 4th isnt that far away.
yea... you're right...
but eh.. i always prided myself in hiding from everyone.
and today, i'm laid bare.
feels kinda weird, knowing ppl actually care..
and december 4th?...
i wish...
if i want to keep going to my high school, i can't move out til after graduation. >.< |
spicedsugar
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it's ok...
cuz my parents say that i will probably have to get kicked out.
at least they're threatening with it...
and my father has papers ready to disown me.
kinda odd;
i'm so ready to move out and they don't want me to...
but... they also can't wait to get rid of me. |
I like my walls. Please do not try to go past them. I appear to be "quite human," although I am really very detached. I hope I do not offend anyone, but I am quite protective of myself and my beliefs. If I get attacked, you may be sure I will do one of two things: retaliate, or dismiss. I try my best to be very accepting and I generally succeed. So, guess I'll catch you all on the forums. |
Behind My Laughing Face
June 03, 2008 @ 03:00:38 am
