i hope he is not in pain and unable to communicate it. I hope my little sis who was staying at his house is ok. She is 14 and finding him in such a state must have been so traumatic but i am so thankful she was there as he lives alone. If she hadn't been there he wld still be laying there unable to move or speak to reach a phone and call himself an ambulance. He is a bit of a loner so he has few visitors except my lil sis and very occasionally me and my mum.
Our relationship has been tempestuous. I had to withdraw from him as his behaviour became too abusive. He used his illness like a weapon and his alcohol dependancy exacerbated his anxieties, paranoias and unpredictable temper- towards me or whoeevr his paranoia focused on at that time. So despite the fact he had lost a lung to pulmonary embolsms in around 6 weeks and continued to develop clots in his lungs despite being on daily injections of heparin. I came to the conclusion that even though he was dying he had no right to treat me the way he was. The way he is with my lil sis- she can do no wrong and i can do no right. Watching him with her i know he is capable of being civil and haveing some consideration, care etc I have seen him twice this past year- once on my birthday after 8 months of no contact and he was horrible and after a number of amicable phonecalls the week b4 last i went to see his new flat. We discussed the filter he had chickened out of having placed in his leg to prevent furhur breakaway clots from reaching his lungs, heart or brain and the possiblity of having the op. We decided that the op was a less scary idea than a stroke. He said he would chase it up. He rang me the other day but i was half asleep and said i wld call him back later but i forgot n then my phone broke.
yesterday morning my phone rang, and rang and rang. I rolled over and went back to sleep. i looked at my phone and i realized it was my lil sis. She had rung 6 or 7 times. Immediately i knew it was dad. I rang her back and sh said dads in hospital. She sounded upset so without furthur Qs n As i assured her i would be there ASAP so in haste i ordered a taxi n paid over the phone as i only had 70p in cash and i had lost my pinnumber.
She was sat waiting on the wall outside of AnE looking small and vunerable. The very kind taxi driver - who i had bemoaned how i was going to get back with 70p - the taxi cost ?33 and i only had ?37 in the bank anyway so there was no way i cld use my card to get back so she lent me a fiver stating she only lived a few doors down from meso i cld get home n make sure my lil sis ate something. i will give her a thankyou card as it was very sweet of her to do that.
We went into the hospital and into the resucitation unit. Dad lay there unconscious. His skin was greyish and his breaths shallow as he inhaled oxygen through the mask. The right side of his mouth drooped into a grimace. we stood there stroking his hair and his face . He opened his eyes for a few moments as though he were lifting a 50kg weight. he squeezed my hand and i kissed him on each cheek and his forehead. Fighting back tears we stood by his side holding each other. Powerless, we went and got a snack and found a sun soaked bench.
"will he need a wheel chair then?" she said . Nodding "I expect he will for a while" i replied "its going to take some time before he can use his right arm or leg fully again"
"he s going to need 24 hr care" "yep" i agreed
"do you think h will get better? "
"it depends " i replied with brutal honesty explaining " it depends how long the affected brain cells are oxygen starved. If the clot can be dissolved by the blood thinners quickly then he has every chance of a full recovery. Some brain cells might die, some will be damaged and some may just be stunned it jsut depends which part of his brain is affected. Its going to take time. He will need rehabillitation and where the cells have been damaged new connections will form Its just going to take time"
" the dr said he will need speech therapy and physio" she said quietly
" he s not going to be able to go home if he is in a wheelchair, Its 3 flights of stairs up"
"i know" she agreed anxiously
"he will need a ground floor flat" i said
We exchanged looks. Her green eyes met my blue eyes.
"he s going to need a carer" she fretted
" he might have to go into supported accomodation" i conceeded
He would hate that , we agreed.
Drawing a deep breath i held her close. " he had a stroke before and made a full recovery " i tried to reasure her
"yeah but was it as bad?"
"Idon't know." i sighed
"do u think he will walk again?
"I don't know" i sighed " Only time will tell. We'll see what the drs say. Its too early to tell how its going to affect him yet."
We sat in the afternoon sun but despite the heat i was shivery.
Back in re-sus the nurses buzzed around him . for one moment i thought oh god hes gone and he was alone. "we're just waiting for porters and he will be transferred to a ward" the nurse chirped
We accompanid him to the medical assessment ward. They transferred him from the trolley into a bed, found a drip stand and transferred the oxygen The nurse gave him the emergency call button and placed it on his paralysed side. A surge of anger overtook me as i untangled the wires to place it on the side he can move. What if we hadn't been here with him? What if he needed someone ? He can't yet speak so couldn't even call out either. He looked uncomfortable and his paralysed leg kept spasming and looked painful. I tried to ask him if he was in pain. I asked the nurse has he had any painrelief?
"We can't give painkillers if we are not sure if he is in pain" the nurse stated. The nurse lifted the oxygen mask and asked clkearly
"how are you feeling mr *****?" With a gasp "ok" he managed. Relief that he had spoken, relief he wasn't in pain and unable to say washed over me and then i remembered nanna vera, mygreatgran, who had had stroke after stroke reducing her communication to automated responce. Silently i prayed he was understanding what was happening and able to say what he was thinking and not just on auto pilot.
Neither my sis nor i had eaten anything. It was 10 past 5. We explained that tmrw we wld bring him his clothes from home.
"is there anything else you wld like from home?"
"shoes" he said
"ok we'll bring some shoes, and clothes... is there anything else you want from home?"
"Shoes!" he insisted
"ok we'll bring your shoes and clothes.. and some magazines.. and .."
"some peanuts" my sis chipped in. kissing him goodbye we went and devoured a plate of hospital canteen chips each b4 sneaking back into the ward to say a last goodbye till tmrw.
Today my lil sis me n my mum arrived complete with a suitcase of shirts, socks trousers, jumpers and of course his shoes and a couple of editions of his fave photography magazine. His colour was less greyish his eyes open oxygen mask replaced by tube coupled with feeding tube and steady saline drip. we surrounded his bedside . tears welled up in his eyes. my sis wept silently, tears rolling off her cheeks , tears reddened my mums . Tears rolled down the left side of dads face as the sheer cruelty of the situation hit. He is only 45.
If only he had looked after himself
If only he ate food on a regular basis not just cider for the past 12 years
If only he had had the filter he could have avoided having a stroke or more clots in his lungs. If he also has more in his lungs i suspect he will not live for more than 6 weeks as he has no more avaliable lung tissue left to lose( even if he recovers fully from the stroke)- and thats if he has no more clots which turn into strokes or heart attacks or pulmonary emboli in the near future. He has been on heparin for a looong time now its been over a year, mayb coming upto 2. He really shouldn't be having more clots forming while on such a powerful anticoagulant.
Today he was much more alert we were able to converse- to an extent although he struggled to form or remeber words with the right side of his face betraying him. He asked " cana gare lift?" I tried to repeat what i heard ... can.. i go ......in a lift? No that has to be wrong " canar lift? moo.." "do you want to move your arm?" He nodded I lifted his heavy arm and begun to massage his arm gently "is it sore?" i queried yes he breathed nodding "any better?" He nodded This is going to be a source of frustration i thought. I doubt he wld even bother try ask the nurses to move his arm- they are always so busy, rushing. tmrw i will find something to tie to his 'dead' arm so he can move it with his left if it gets uncomfortable. I could bring an actual tie to tie but i'm concerned to bring him anything that he cld use to possibly harm himself with. It wld be awful if he managed to throttle himself out of sheer frustration so i will try to think of a sfae medium to use.....
after the hospital and another "forever" goodbye we went back to my mums for sunday dinner n trash tv.
i expect my lil sis is finding it hard to settle to sleep tonight too. She has shcool in the morning. This is her last year. I hope that the stress won't affect her school work.
i can't beleiev i have sat up from 1am till 5 writing this when what i should have done i got an early night so i cld make use of the day. My glands are up a bit, it might just be the gum infection from my wisdom teeth that i've had- my face swelled right up about 2 weeks ago. I was supposed to get the antibiotics trhe dentist prescribed but by then i had started to feel a bit better so i haven't taken them. I hope that i feel well tmrw(or should i say later today) or i mustn't go into the ward. Even a common cold could be too much for him (or others)
hopefully we will be able to speak to the drs and get a better idea of what the plan is now that he will be thouroughly assessed. It has been frustrating to wait the weekend out till monday but hopefully the drs will have a much better idea of whats to come.........