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Should I feel guilty?

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Eaglebauer On July 23, 2019
Moderator
Deleted



Saint Louis, Missouri
#31New Post! Nov 15, 2013 @ 21:38:16
I haven't read most of the replies but going to guess most, if not all of them say you shouldn't feel guilty about not mourning his death or feeling connected to him. And there's a reason for that...it's not just that you shouldn't be expected to mourn him...it actually isn't even your place to mourn him. It's your mom and dad's and one way they tried to do that was to bring you into the world. And lo and behold, you weren't the same person they were trying to replace...and so the culpability of that failure fell to you in their eyes although it was really a failure of their own misguided attempt at coping. It's no wonder that you ended up leading the life you did and to be frank, your saving grace was getting away from them and deciding for yourself that you had to rise above.

So here you are, working your a** off and cleaning up and getting yourself through school and accomplishing things for yourself. You know who you sound like now? Your dead brother who did everything right. Most importantly you are doing it for yourself and not to fill those shoes or make your parents forget the death of their son, because I will save you the suspense...he wasn't perfect when he was alive and no matter how close to perfect you could have been, you still wouldn't have been perfect enough to cure their pain over his loss. Because that's not something YOU can do, it's only something they have control over and they don't seem to know it.

I won't say your parents are horrible people because I don't know them and they seem to have been suffering a long time, and honestly I feel really bad for them. But they did act unfairly to you and you should hold your head high knowing that you are taking care of yourself and turning things around.
Eaglebauer On July 23, 2019
Moderator
Deleted



Saint Louis, Missouri
#32New Post! Nov 15, 2013 @ 21:39:14
Holy s*** I just saw how old this thread is.
someone_else_again On May 20, 2021
Really. Not a dude.





, Washington
#33New Post! Nov 15, 2013 @ 21:43:56
@Eaglebauer Said

So here you are, working your a** off and cleaning up and getting yourself through school and accomplishing hugs for yourself.





How to Hug Yourself: 5 Steps (with pictures)

I'm hoping that was an autocorrect. I have no idea what you meant.
Eaglebauer On July 23, 2019
Moderator
Deleted



Saint Louis, Missouri
#34New Post! Nov 15, 2013 @ 21:47:19
@someone_else_again Said



How to Hug Yourself: 5 Steps (with pictures)

I'm hoping that was an autocorrect. I have no idea what you meant.



Yeah there were a few bad autocorrects in there

I fixed them.
DuLu On January 11, 2017
CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!!





Waverly, Washington
#35New Post! Nov 16, 2013 @ 09:59:28
Don't call? Wait for them? Up to you?
Dark_Tink has some great suggestions.
My initial thought was: if you're not ready, you're not ready.
When the time is right, you will make a move in the right direction.
Maybe right now the best thing is being done - letting things be
for awhile.

In talking about feelings, you're right - everyone is entitled to their feelings, and one cannot reject another person's feelings.
But what a person does, how they act, reference those feelings --
that's what most important.

Most important for you is to recognize what 'is', your feelings,
their feelings, and then to decide a course of action. A plan,
movement of some sort, helps put the feelings in perspective.
Action/plans are usually the best way to handle conflictive situations. Feelings need to be recognized for what they are,
and then one needs to decide a course of action -- because of,
or regardless of ... the feelings.

Based on what you've posted, you're a great person with lots
of insight, turning your life around, keep doing that. No guilt.
Can't change the past, look towards the future, control or at
least influence your future in positive ways, as much as possible.

@Dark_Tink Said

Even if you don't feel ready to call them yet, you can write a letter. Do be careful in what you put in said letter though. Don't be aggressive or mean but you can just let them know that you want to talk and work things out. Only if you are really ready though.

Another idea, is to write a letter to them, but not mail it. Get out everything you want to tell them, everything you want to get off your chest. After wards, tuck it away somewhere, or burn it. It can be very therapeutic.

If you're not ready to talk to them, don't. If it takes another few months, fine. There is no need to "Enter the lion's den" if your not up to it.
DuLu On January 11, 2017
CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!!





Waverly, Washington
#36New Post! Nov 16, 2013 @ 10:10:16
@Judas Said

If it makes you feel better, I'm a bit of a slow learner myself so I can't say anything. lol
And yes, you're right, it does. I guess you could say I'm a work in progress in it. Some days it's just too hard to try.


lol, and then some others pitched right in.
And yup, the responses work for then and now.

I like your recent perspective, about how you haven't talked to them for a year or so, and that's okay. Some feelings there, underneath, perhaps .... but meanwhile, ya got a life to live and things aren't so bad, or they could be worse, etc etc. I like that you see yourself as a work in progress! That shows that you're respecting yourself and who you are and taking care of business, in ways that work for you. ***Funny, I have a lil book in front of me turned to a story about being a work in progress.
Everyone of us, including you, is a work of art, a work in progress,
created by a Master. depending on your beliefs, created by some
Higher Power.
DuLu On January 11, 2017
CHOOSE HAPPINESS!!!





Waverly, Washington
#37New Post! Nov 16, 2013 @ 10:15:12
@Eaglebauer Said

Holy s*** I just saw how old this thread is.


It's all good.
I noticed it, right after I posted --- after you posted. I was like at first, and was going to delete my reply and comment about the thread being old.

But I applaud Judas for responding so effectively, keeping everything in perspective for all. And the suggestions/advice given applies indefinitely.

No worries, Eagle.
Judas On September 02, 2015




, Canada
#38New Post! Nov 22, 2013 @ 21:45:16
@Eaglebauer Said

I haven't read most of the replies but going to guess most, if not all of them say you shouldn't feel guilty about not mourning his death or feeling connected to him. And there's a reason for that...it's not just that you shouldn't be expected to mourn him...it actually isn't even your place to mourn him. It's your mom and dad's and one way they tried to do that was to bring you into the world. And lo and behold, you weren't the same person they were trying to replace...and so the culpability of that failure fell to you in their eyes although it was really a failure of their own misguided attempt at coping. It's no wonder that you ended up leading the life you did and to be frank, your saving grace was getting away from them and deciding for yourself that you had to rise above.

So here you are, working your a** off and cleaning up and getting yourself through school and accomplishing things for yourself. You know who you sound like now? Your dead brother who did everything right. Most importantly you are doing it for yourself and not to fill those shoes or make your parents forget the death of their son, because I will save you the suspense...he wasn't perfect when he was alive and no matter how close to perfect you could have been, you still wouldn't have been perfect enough to cure their pain over his loss. Because that's not something YOU can do, it's only something they have control over and they don't seem to know it.

I won't say your parents are horrible people because I don't know them and they seem to have been suffering a long time, and honestly I feel really bad for them. But they did act unfairly to you and you should hold your head high knowing that you are taking care of yourself and turning things around.


I still think maybe sometimes I should go see his grave, but I'm not sure why. Maybe just as a brother? But I don't know how that would be or why I think it sometimes. Maybe just leftovers.
I did finally get through school (via correspondence) and have a good job (mostly) and yesterday was the one year date of me being officially clean off cocaine. Just the alcohol tends to be an issue still.
For whatever reason, I still miss them and I still get into those days where I see something or hear something and I wish I could have had it and I still want to try and fix it all... But I'm not quite the emotional wreck that I was. lol You learn a lot when you're out there on your own.
Judas On September 02, 2015




, Canada
#39New Post! Nov 22, 2013 @ 21:48:00
@DuLu Said

lol, and then some others pitched right in.
And yup, the responses work for then and now.

I like your recent perspective, about how you haven't talked to them for a year or so, and that's okay. Some feelings there, underneath, perhaps .... but meanwhile, ya got a life to live and things aren't so bad, or they could be worse, etc etc. I like that you see yourself as a work in progress! That shows that you're respecting yourself and who you are and taking care of business, in ways that work for you. ***Funny, I have a lil book in front of me turned to a story about being a work in progress.
Everyone of us, including you, is a work of art, a work in progress,
created by a Master. depending on your beliefs, created by some
Higher Power.


I may be a work in progress, but I need A LOT of work. lol
I think I know what I have to do, in the end, but I don't want too. Sort of a scary process.
I bet a shrink would have a blast going through my head.
But thank you.
Judas On September 02, 2015




, Canada
#40New Post! Nov 22, 2013 @ 21:49:34
@someone_else_again Said



How to Hug Yourself: 5 Steps (with pictures)

I'm hoping that was an autocorrect. I have no idea what you meant.


I'm not sure why, but that pictures is kinda creeping me out. And that was a really odd link. LOL
someone_else_again On May 20, 2021
Really. Not a dude.





, Washington
#41New Post! Nov 22, 2013 @ 21:53:25
@Judas Said

I'm not sure why, but that pictures is kinda creeping me out. And that was a really odd link. LOL



That picture is a little creepy. It's almost as if one of the shoulders is dislocated or it belongs to another person.

I didn't read the other link, it just caught my attention when I googled "self hug." I couldn't imagine that anyone would have to be taught to hug themselves, much less it being a 5 step process.
Judas On September 02, 2015




, Canada
#42New Post! Nov 22, 2013 @ 21:53:34
@DuLu Said

It's all good.
I noticed it, right after I posted --- after you posted. I was like at first, and was going to delete my reply and comment about the thread being old.

But I applaud Judas for responding so effectively, keeping everything in perspective for all. And the suggestions/advice given applies indefinitely.

No worries, Eagle.



I work on responding effectively. Some days I go out on three benders and act like a f***tard but I'm getting better.
Judas On September 02, 2015




, Canada
#43New Post! Nov 22, 2013 @ 21:56:05
@someone_else_again Said

That picture is a little creepy. It's almost as if one of the shoulders is dislocated or it belongs to another person.

I didn't read the other link, it just caught my attention when I googled "self hug." I couldn't imagine that anyone would have to be taught to hug themselves, much less it being a 5 step process.



Yeah, it does. He looks all f***ed up.
The rest of it says to give yourself virtual hugs, write a note, stay happy, hug a tree. Weird.
Chrysant On February 13, 2024




Gastonia, North Carolina
#44New Post! Feb 13, 2024 @ 04:30:21
@Judas Said

I'll try to make this as short as possible, but forgive me if I get long winded. It's been awhile since I've actually "voiced" this.

Before I was born, my parents had a son. My brother, Matthew. He was, I guess, the epitome of the perfect son. Six feet, blonde, blue eyed, football quarter back, hockey defense.. You know those people that are just good at everything they do.
He died when he was seventeen in a drinking and driving accident. They (my parents) didn't handle it well. Who would, though? Losing a kid.

They don't talk about them before his accident, but from what I got from my uncle, they were happy. Sort of like that perfect family. But I guess it just wrecked them. They started drinking, which led to drugs, etc.
Then for whatever reason after, they decided to have a kid again. Maybe to try and turn their life around? I don't know. I think they wanted another Matthew. But, out comes me.

Matthew took after my father, I take after my mom. I'm not tall, big, blonde (I do have blue eyes, at least). I won't be a football or hockey star. Though he tried, of course. He gave up when he realised that despite my size, it'd never work because I didn't like it.
I always just felt like they were never really happy with me. Because I couldn't ever be Matthew, or they didn't wait long enough, or whatever.

But it made for a very stressful relationship between us. They never quit drinking. They mostly just smoke pot but I've seen them go on to indulge in others. Whatever, they're adult.
But the fights...Sometimes over the silliest little thing, like how I tie my shoes. Or fold the towels wrong. And they'll rant and rave and it always ends up with someone saying "Matthew wouldn't have.." or "Matthew would have..." etc. Usually I just shut up and let it ride out. Last year I threw out some stupid comment about me not being the perfect son like him and f*** him, and then the fists were flying and I was out the door.

I spent the next few months (seven-ish? It's a blur) just absoultey wrecking myself. Drinking, drugs, sex, fights, break ins, vandalism, car theft (Joy riding, I guess. I never wrecked any. Not that that's an excuse).. You name it, I did it. I was a good student - I got expelled after getting caught doing a rail off the bathroom sink. After numerous suspensions for fighting (I had a good teacher). Ended up with a real personal relationship with a few cops.

I got myself sorted out, mostly. I'm late in school this year, but I'm finishing this semester by correspondance. If I get it done in time, hopefully I get through grade 12, or most of it, this summer. I work in construction out in a dry camp hours from anything, so that helps. 24 days in, 5 days out. I usually stay because I don't know where to go.

Anyways, I disgress. They always made me feel that I should have mourned Matthew. Feel ashamed that I wasn't. I don't hate him - I never knew him. There were times, of course, where I thought I did because I was always being compared and always failing. But I never did hate him. But I never did mourn him. I know he was my brother, but to me it was like some tragedy you read in the newspaper. You feel bad for a second, shake your head at the nonsense, and move on. And it seemed like such a sin.

Am I wrong? Are they right? Should I have grief?
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