 dragonpoet
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putnam, Connecticut
Joined: Jun 2007 |
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Random thoughts, ramblings, whatever comes to mind, mostly writing and such
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(Fiction) "In the Mist of Flowers" - Prolong
This is a piece of fiction that I have written, it is copied right by me (EFlickner), so please do not copy and use anywhere else. I am looking to hear thoughts and opinions on it, and would really like to know if the story is worth trying to get get published or not. Someone suggested I should post it in my journal and see what others have to say about it. Thanks for taking the time to read it, hoping to post the first chapter later tonight, then perhaps every week or so most more of it. Again thanks.
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| Been seriously thinking that I need to get off my butt, and truly do something with my writing...like actually seeing if it could possibly have a chance...of cousre, it is all a little scarey... | |
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 Once again Christmas has come and gone. All that was wrapped with love and care, now rest within the receiver's hands. Sometimes in the after math, one may feel disappointed, and yet, each gift given and received should be honored by the love and thought placed into. It is a time of families, may haps that is the one disappointment I bare. Even though my kids enjoyed the gifts they recieved, I think they will cherish most the time I spent with them playing with the new games and toys they got. I know I will, yet it would have been nive to stilll have an extended family such as my mom,, aunts, and siblings, that was not to be, not this year and may haps never to be in the future. I have fond memories of being a child and being apart of such. I regret that my kids do not have that, yet maybe they are better off not having their dysfunction in their lives overall...Hell...what grandmother would not send at least her grandkids a christmas card or even her own daughter a simple card? O'yeah mine...since I told her she could not move in with me, since her moving in would mean that both my spouse (which are relationship isn;t that great, more like friends) and my daughter would move out.......I wasn't going to trade my daughter for my mother, who has always hurt me repeatingly...shot, becuase of the no answer, she has not once communicated with me and it has been over 7 months now...before that when she moved out after trying to convince everyone that my spouse was trying to kill her, and that she failed to break up my marriage, but had severely damaged it....anyways, she had no contact with me till she came back to the area and needed a place to live...would a mother truly be like that? not that it should have surprised me since the whole time when i was in the military (6 years I was), she not once wrote or called me...and yet, my grandmother always did, but alas I miss my grandmother....anyways sort of got off track here, anyways....I hope my kids enjoyed themselves and cherish the time I spent with them. | |
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The Christmas Blues... how the hit me like a brick, one which I can't escape, and how bad I feel that it turn the gifts under the tree shall be so small, and how I wish I could more...How I wish my kids could experience the family gatherings that I had as a child, but that is not to be....
The bills keep rolling in, and how everything keeps going up but one's paycheck stays sadly the same...I guess at this time of the year, it hits me worse then any other time...for I so wish I could provide more gifts to my children and friends...but how can I when it all goes mostly to bills?
I already work as much hours at work as I can, beenn averaging 10 hour days...still it doesn't seem to be enough, and I left feeling so depressed and worthless, as if I can't do anything right or provide for my kids like I should.... 
Just really feeling the christmas blues....
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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. ~Harvey Fierstein
A quote perhaps I should take hend of, for is it true, that only ourselves can allow others to make us a victim or trapped within silence? Yet at times, I feel as that is exactly what happens to me that I become trapped within silence, afraid to speak what it is in my thoughts, afraid to be ridicule and laughed, perhaps I have nothing to say, and perhaps then again, it is there reaction to me which causes me to react as I do. May haps as a wife and mother, I let those you are most important to me, do just that to define me, and trap me in that which they may want me to be or what I think they want me to be. Perhaps that is a flaw which I bare, for how much of life has been defined by others? Perhaps too much. | |
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Overcasted skies with the sun peeking between the gaps like a dull sparkle, and a gentle breeze barely fluttering the leaves, leaves of turning shades, becoming yellows, reds, and browns, a bare hint of fall to come.
The fall, a season of chilly nights, cool days, of golden hues, and breatheless beauty. Truly a season to bring pause, to take a moment to marvel at nature's miracle. | |
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| Another weekend has come and gone....well thought I was having nice weekend until..... | |
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I can't believe it, after a while of not really being able to write much except for a few poems and such, I actually started developing something...for now, I have called it "In the time of dragons" and posted the first part of in three post, so feel free to check out...it still needs some work, but I think it may have potential and loved to hear everyone's thoughts on it.
On the other front....this weekend has been fairly quiet, must most of my time with my two boys, and tonight, well he was supposed to have selected something for dinner....however the freezer was fairly empty, and well, what can I say we had a big fight....He is suppose to buy the groceries and well, I fairly upset when there was much to pick from except those stupid individual frozen meals...I like cooking, and was too hard for him to get one of the four meals I had on list...but no, he didn't saying I shouldn't gotten dinner at macdonalds....he knows the weekend is the only time I can cook for everyone...it totally pissed me off, and i told why don't I just do the shopping, he said I could, but he wont pay for them...My paycheck goes to paying all the other bills, i dont have anything left over...damn it! He can be such an ass! 
Anyways, enough complaining for now, will be off to bed soon!
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If I could the words I utter to the man who says he loves and cares for for me.....yet, don't actions speak louder then words?
Once again....another year passes me bye, and yet this year I feel so very much alone, alone in my struggles and heartache, living with man that in the end, makes me feel as if we are nothing more then roomates, a man who I fear doesn't want to be with me, and never touches me, or shows me much affection....Hell...didn't even get a happy birthday from him today....would that have been to much to get? ....I guess it was....and now, how my tears threaten to tumble....how hollow and empty i feel....how much of failure i must be....never seem to be anything right here.....
"Can you tell me the reason why? why he does this to me? tell me the reason why....why my heart is breaking so....tell me the reason why...."
I know, no one can tell me why but me....in fear, I sit, accepting the crumbles he tosses my way like a straved, depraved little child, too terrified to ask for what I should have and need....How crippled I am....a crippled lost soul! | |
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(Fiction) "In the Mist of Flowers" - Prolong
