Irregular Horoscopes of the Onion

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22): You'll slowly become the person you hate: the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): You've achieved your life's goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor motive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22): The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 23): They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperagressive Africanized bees.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21): You're going to need a lot of epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn't like the time with the horse laxatives.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): While it is true that all-knowing God sees every sparrow that falls, He finds it a lot more amusing to watch you tumble down the stairs a couple times a week.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): You'll learn that there are some things that money can't buy. For instance, with your record, you're forbidden from approaching close enough to purchase girl scout cookies.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not so aggressive that you actually cause yourself physical harm with the Fleshlight.

Too funny. Fits my daughter, she falls going UP the stairs Oh, forgot, my daughter is a Sagittarius also.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21): If you had a dollar for every time a gorgeous woman invited you back to her place, you probably wouldn't be saving for that prostitute right about now.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22): An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named "Orange."