"*~*Carpe Diem*~* People=SHIT"  carpediem
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Palmer, Massachusetts
Joined: Sep 2006 |
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City Of The Moon
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He Wrote me:
"well i dont think i would be able to tell you this stuff in person so im writing it. i was laying next to you and i just started thinking, everyday basically i love you more and more, i kno this prolly aint the right time to tell you this stuff but i have nothing else to do so i am, sorry if i make you upset or anything.
i really do hope we date again soon, every night i want to give you a good night kiss and just hold you untill you fall asleep but i know you have a b/f so i dont. i dont know if you like me at all that way. but if you do i just want you to know that even if we dont date i will be right next to you until the end. you really mean the world to me, the other night was the first time i noticed how much you really mean to me, i hated seeing you upset like that, and if we ever date again, i want you too know i would never get you up set like that, when i saw you like that all i wanted to was hold you and reasure you that everything was ok. i really hope we date again it would make me very happy and i would make you very happy. i know that you and i are very close but i hope we can get even closer.
you are very beautiful in my eyes and there is nothing wrong with you at all you are perfect in my eyes, nothing will or has changed that since i met you. the main thing i like about you though is your personality as you noticed it draws my attention very quick. plus i really like you eyes they are a beautiful brown, i know i may not look the best or act the best but i do know one thing i would treat you very good better then anyone ever has.
my love for you is pure and always will be even if you move to cali i will still love you. i dont expect to date you right away or even anytime soon. but i can hope we will. "
Love,
_____ _____
He isnt someone I see often. But, yet he feels this way. So. Here was my reply:
"LOL Did you not love the title???lol j/p but yeah. IDK maybe things wil get better once you get your prescription. I really dont know. But i'll be honest,theres only one guy I love-and that's Nate. Even though he can be a real d*** and a half, I still love him. Thats how love is- you just cant stop loving the person right away-regardless of how they treat you. and, Nate isnt that bad-he actually acts like he loves me like 90% of the time- the other 10% is when we are arguing-or when something bothers him and he wont communicate with me-but he will talk to everyone else. God I hate that. But it happens and no one is perfect. I love Nathan Dolan, what can I say? I jsut wish he'd change some things....but i'm not gonna stop loving him because of that. He's all I want. And...hes almost the best b/f I ever had. In reality he's like you- without tha drama. And we both know what you and I had. We had the world and beyond...and i'm still confused at how it ended...and how we ended up rarely even saying two words to each other. It hurts...because you were my first...and my last....and I miss you. But.....dating Nate actually made me somewhat forget about you. He MADE me forget the pain. Nate actually made me extremely happy- and he still kinda does-between our fighting and such. I just hate argueing-especially with the one I love. I do love Nate-ALOT-I'd give up anything for him. Yes-even "Germy" (Jeremy),Jay,and whoever else. I dont think I could give up my skateboard though..... but yeah! Thats besides the point!! *lol* I wouldnt even give up my board for YOU- and we've had our whole lives spent together. I dont know...I really dont think I could picture myself with anyone else BUT Nate.....I really see us(Nate nd I) having a future...and I really think we will last **SHHHH* its just I really want this fighting to be over. If I could have anything I wanted, that would be it. I want him to stop hiding things, stop talking about ex's or sluts, and for him to just BE THERE, adn make the RIGHT decisions. And I, I want to be able to stop being insecure,to stop talking about guys, and to stop feeling like I have to go to everyone else BUT Nate to solve my problems. hes never there. So, I end up having to go to you,Joey,Jeremy,Sam, anyone just because my own b/f wont talk to me. To be really honest, the ONLY reason I hang around those other guys is bcause deep down, I feel hes hanging out wit other girls-because he sure talks about them like he does.
And cho cho told me he got mad cause I was all over him? Well I wasnt even touching him- Cho Cho had the only pillow in the room- so I went over and got between him and nate so I could get the small corner of the pillow. and...Nate kinda had me pushed on top of the stereo.*lol* So I was blocking the speakers.haha And then I said cho cho smelled good- so what big deal! he never really smells that good- so I said what I wsa tinking. I do it all the time! Its not like I was like "Oh Tony, bang me bang me!" and besides- hes the one who moved to the other side of the room. WTF?! I asked him if he was sleeping over there and he said yes- so that pissed me off cuz I knew he was mad at something-i didnt know what or why-but he had to act like a 3 year old and move to the other side instead of saying "yo- you sohuld be on top of me!"If he said tha, we both know it is gauranteed I woulda been more than happy to jump on top of him. hehe ^^ That woulda been fun actually but w.e. He blows some things way outta proportion,and it pisses me off. I really jsut wanna fix things..... I mean, we have ALMOST made it a month! we are sooo close!!!!!! Why does it have to go so bad!!!??? I just wish hed really try and fix this-at least half as much as I am. I wanted to cry yesterday because I knew he was out there somewhere,with his friends, and he had no where to go-but Shanes house. I was really worried. I put the fight behind me and I just wanted to see him- not even to talk about the fight- but just to see to it that he was alright, and that he would be ok. I didnt even see him and im still worried. I really love him Tony- but I dont even think he loves me nearly as mcuh (see i DO love him more!haha) IDK what to do...I jsut feel like I'm always making him unhappy and I want to make him happy-----but I dont think i can. I thought I could mayb 2 weeks ago-but now I'm not so sure. I jsust want him to look me in the eye-and tell me that everything for us wil be ok.....but I dont think I'll ever get that...because maybe he doesnt love me as much as he thought.... ='(
and I know you want me to go to Cali with you, but IDK yet. I have alot here in Massachussets-even if I hate the state.lol I could use a fresh start though....and yuo have the money to take care of me.lol but, I'll always know you still have the ticket waiting for me...but you'll haev to send it to my Palmer address. Which you have. haha. Well, it was nice hearing from you again.... lots of old memories. V-Ral! haha Oh, and btw, you must get me skating better-you know...like we used to in Connecticutt. Remember we would wake up atlike 8 am to get ready and lak to the skatepark??Lol Remember when we were the first ones at the gate hwen it opened for the first time?! We were onlyl ike 11 and we were anxious to get in...then it poured on us....and we ran our a** home!!lol Oh yah, btw I sTILL remember you pushing me down that ramp.....you a** I'm so gonna "twist and pull" for that!haha just playin. It was an enjoyable night last night. Thank you for holding me when I needed it. damn it, I just want to see nate though- I wanna know hes alright.... HE means the world to me.
By the way-how is our dear Brandon doing? I havent seen him in, like, a couple of months I think. I really miss you guys. Way back when you were the only two men in my heart. God I miss those days....tose das where we would bring Brandon to your house, buy popcorn and just pile on the couch-and ewatch movies. With Brandon on top of both of us. *lol* so many damn memories.... I wish Nate loved me asm uch as you did- then wouldnt have this issue. But, what should I do? Should I stay or should I go??(good song btw)
Love,
A Saddened Lexi "
Well....I write too much. haha. Hes not just a guy from my past- hes a guy from a HUGE part of my past. I didnt know him for like 6 or so years of my life- the rest he was by my side. thats like 11-almost 12 years!! IDK..... It was nice hearing from him gaain though.....and maybe he will end up helping me out with Nate- and make things better for Nate and I somehow...... | |
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