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I really just want a place to write, I don't really expect anyone to read it, or anyone to care, just want to get it all out.
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Sigh...
Starting to feel it again. It's getting dark. Cold. Lonely.
The weird thing is I think I've known for a few weeks now. Just didn't want to admit it.
But maybe not. Maybe I just want it. Where it's comfortable. Still dark, cold and lonely. But at least comfortable.
I hate sorting out reality vs the reality in my head.
Sigh...
Good Night  | |
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So how am I feeling today? Ok, all things considered. Still deciding on what to do about 'the boy'. 
Work today was, well awkward. Between his mom and brother being there and the flowers he sent to work for me (I know! Sigh...) and trying to explain to them who they were from and why.
Still I feel alone, sad, and oddly scared for some reason. I know I sound like some teen (sorry for the young ones, no offense) but its all I can think about - him. I can't explain it.
But yeah. I hope I heal fast. Not to proud of some stuff I did last night. f***. But tonight I have been good. I just feel like I'm drowning again. Drowning into the darkness. Why can some 'guy' have that much power over me? How dare I let him get to me like this! It's not like he spends every minute thinking of me, crying for me, pineing (wow I have no idea how to spell that word!) over me. So why do I? Someone tell me.
Why, all of a sudden, do I need him to be whole?
I've got it bad.
I want it out of me.
Take it out of me.
But if I take it out
he's gone.
f*** | |
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Feeling a little blue today. Ever wanted something so bad you would do anything to get it? I'm about there right now. He filled my heart and broke it all in the same sentence. Is it because I told him? Is it because of the "business"? Is it because I'm me?
Maybe I'm destined to be alone. No one ever sticks around long enough to get past the "scary bits". I just want to scream. Become the person everyone thinks I am. It wouldn't be hard. I've done it before. And the f***ed up thing is it was easier.
I can just manipulate him. He is worried about me getting sick and starting drugs again...f*** him I'll do it now that I'm healthy, that will show him! LOL (I'm not being serious BTW, just in a revenge filled mood)
Tonight was the most romantic, unbelievably honest, true, love filled night I've had in my life, yet here I sit alone, sad, and heartbroken. And I can't even hate him. I can't hate anyone, really.
Oh well, tomorrow brings another sunrise for me to appreciate, maybe it will bring better moods. | |
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Okay so it's 5am where I am and I work in 3 hours. I haven't slept yet, and I have had the flu for the past 4 days.
My RLS is acting up in a fierce way. I am on my 6th bath in 5 hours. Yes it's cold, but it feels better. I get out and I am in pain, not really pain even, more like achy throbbbyness. I can't stand it and am losing my patience.
Oh wait...what's that? A brand new pokey stick like thing in my side of rib/lung area....oh joy....
This is perfect!
I love my life  | |
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I am b****y. Going through some major major health issues right now. And the one question people continually ask me "are you ok?
I know they are trying to be nice and are genuinely concerned, but really, I am 28 years old, just got told I have f***ing cancer and need to have both of my ovaries removed. No I am not ok
f*** | |
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I question myself so much. Why? Is it because of my illnesses? Am I getting depressed again, or is it just the Borderline Personality Disorder? It seems as though I fight and fight and fight to stay on top of them and to understand them. But I think, secretly, I am just fronting on what is reality. I am afraid that my reality is that I am not "normal". I mean really when I am alone I imagine conversations with people I know, that would never happen. I can almost see them sitting across the room from me conversing with me. I know that they are not there, thus I don't think schizophrenia is possible, but when I am having these "conversations" they seem so real. I want those conversations to be my reality but they aren't. So where do I go from there?
My psychiatrist knows about this but insists I am not crazy because I function normally in society. I hold a full time manager position which requires a lot of me. I have a few friends. I get along with every at work and outside of work. I am very understanding and respectful of others.
It's when I'm alone that freaks me out. f*** I converse with people who aren't there. And I get comfort from it.
And as I write this I know tomorrow I will regret it because of what people will think. But then again who really is going to take the time to read this?!?! 
I journal daily at home and thought I can type faster than I write so why not try this, air my dirty laundry and see the reactions I get, if any.
This is just scraping the surface of me. Many dark secrets to tell and maybe it's easier with people who don't know me... | |
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It's creeping
