My grampa\'s second wife texted me January 12, 2011 @ 09:16:11 pm
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Apparently I'm a bad grandchild and how could I do that after all he's done for me and we all turn around and attack him for doing nothing (yes, crashing a the deseadant didn't want you it isn't wrong at all ) and I should be ashamed of myself because he's an ill man blah blah blah. I'm sorry but my gran was dying, you couldn't get any more ill than that and she had to almost constantly tell her eldest daughters that she didn't want him there. It's nuts.
In the last 24 hours I've buried my gran, watched the man who she divorced for domestic abuse show up, listened to my aunt term the loss only as it affected her and her daughters for 8 minutes (8 minutes at a funeral - no wonder I thought my uncle introduce her as "Elma's selfish daughter" ), discovered my other aunt threatened to kill my mum for not putting money down on a party she wasn't even going to after my mum and uncle were the only ones to sign onto a
It makes me sick. My two aunts invited my grampa to the funeral and he came and refused to leave. I cannot belive they went against her express wishes. Lucky for them I was too busy being surrounded by the people who really care to notice him until my sister needed me or I would have hit him. I've already told him and my aunt ann that I will never talk to them again. My other aunt gets some lee-way because she's easy to manipulate and she's ann's little puppet.
And this is going to suck...epically. Still at least the dog has been nice, licking my hands instead of growling, checking to see if my mum's watching him not growl at me and wanting my ice cream.
I am so gonna be sick January 08, 2011 @ 11:04:21 pm
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All of this being sad and crying and stuff is really messing with the way I'm eating. My stomach's acting like any amount of food is too much and everytime I eat I feel sick or I am sick but I actually feel hungry around lunch time and late at night and then the rest of the day I feel kind of sick. Maybe I should just buy a blender and live on smoothies for the rest of my life.
Every day I want tell her how much I miss her, how much I want her to come back. How when I leave work I always pull out my phone to call her and then realise that she's gone. She's not there to answer the phone, to hear about my day, to laugh at the good parts and sympathise with the bad. I want to tell her about how I can't believe Selina is turning 18 and that I can't believe she missed it, about how I wish so much she had acheived her last goal and been there to see everyone's birthdays. I wish so much she'd been able to finsh writing those damn cards but at the same time it feels oddly apropraite. I'm walking around with a gaping hole in me, aware that even when I laugh there's a sadness behind my eyes, an off-note in my voice because she's not here to share it. And at the same time I'm angry. How could she think I could really do all of this without her there to see it all? I can't believe that she won't be there to see me turn 21, to see me graduate if that ever happens.
I can't believe that tonight I tried to phone her. I was so close to putting in her phone number. But every time I do something like that I remember, and the world seems black for a few moments. It's almost like I'm running on auto. I see something and I want to tell her about it and then I remember. At work I can't concentrate, I can barely even remember to smile. I only half-listen to what people say because what's the point? What's the point in hearing a joke if I can't tell her later? What's the point of checking up on the news if I can't talk to her about it?
And because I can't concentrate I suck at my job right now, so much that the scheduling guy doesn't know if he can trust me in the shop on my own and has put me on all nights. When we were working a day he called other shops to make sure there was someone we could phone if there was a problem, because I just can't think anymore.
And it's just hit me all over again because it's my sister's birthday and someone who should be there isn't and I don't know who I'm more angry at - her for missing all of this, the government for not doing what most other European countries have done and banning a dangerous drug or the doctor who failed to diagnose the cancer for two years. Two years while it grew and became inoperable. Two years while it hit the lymphnodes and spread. Two years while she grew more and more ill and each symptom was treated as a separate disease.
My grampa\'s second wife texted me
) and I should be ashamed of myself because he's an ill man blah blah blah. I'm sorry but my gran was dying, you couldn't get any more ill than that and she had to almost constantly tell her eldest daughters that she didn't want him there. It's nuts.
