Top Ten Things _ _ _ all courtesy of David Letterman

Top Ten Things We as Americans Can Be Proud Of

..Attendance at Liza Minnelli concerts still optional.

..Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded UFOs

..Many newspapers feature "Jumble," that scrambled word game.

..Crumbling landmarks torn down -- not made a big fuss over.

..Hourly motel rates

..Vast majority of Elvis Movies made here

..Didn't just give up right away in WWII like some countries we could mention.

..Goatees and Vandykes thought to be worn only by weenies

..Our well-behaved golf professionals

..Fabulous babes coast to coast

Top Ten Reasons Al Sharpton and I are Best Friends

..He gives me a good deal on Lionel Richie tickets.

..I call him "reverend" and he calls me "admiral".

..Together we form the best two-man beach volleyball team on the East Coast.

..We're collaborating on a book of children's stories.

..The more he's in the news, the less attention paid to my messy divorce from Julianne Phillips.

..Gave me my street name "Dave".

..Has my likeness on his gold medallion.

..Usually volunteers to get in trunk when we go to the drive-in.

..Most of the time, neither of us knows what we're talking about.

..He makes my haircut look good.

Top Ten Questions Science Cannot Answer

..Which one's Kate and which one's Allie?

..How did Ed McMahon get my home address?

..How can those guys on the street sell real Rolexes for ten bucks?

..Why don't the laws of physics inhibit the expansion of Paul Prudhomme?

..How can those wrestling refs miss so many illegal holds?

..How could IRS be so dense about my so-called "church"?

..Why do men achieve orgasm in a second while women never have them?

..Why, if Mr. Ed could talk, did he never complain about having to stand in straw soaked in his own urine?

..How can a list of ten short items seem to take an hour to read?

..What exactly was Jimmy the Greek bred for?

Top Ten Rasta Expressions or Baseball Chatter

..Hey batter, hey batter

..Him a natty dread mon

..Lively up yourself

..No batter, no batter

..Easy out

..Ride, natty, ride

..Stick it in his ear

..Hungry mon is an angry mon

..Make him pitch to ya

..Easy shanking/Hum babe

Top Ten Interview Questions Asked Miss America Contestants

..Which is your favorite dancing raisin?

.. Can you spell your home state without looking at your banner?

..How does it feel to be the only contestant with a fat butt?

..How much of your scholarship money have you lost in the slots?

..If you were stranded on a desert island with a shampoo for oily hair and a creme rinse for dry hair -- what would you do?

..Aren't there any other girls in your state?

..Don't you want to put some ointment on that?

..Are those real?

..Don't you have something better to do?

..Would you consider teaming up with Miss Teen U.S.A. to fight crime like Batman and Robin?

Top Ten Reasons Congress Deserves a Pay Hike

..Many big corporations cutting back on bribes.

..Because of C-Span, they all had to buy hairpieces.

..Tired of carpooling with Barney Frank.

..Tired of Congressman Fred Grandy's taunts about all the dough he's making from "Love Boat" reruns.

..Most of D.C.'s topless bars have raised their cover.

..Our nation's lawmakers ought to make at least a fraction of the annual income of the "Hey, Vern" guy.

..Worked long hours trying to keep down the minimum wage.

..Maybe they'll stop complaining about salaries and start doing something about our nation's oppressive highway speed limits.

..Close to half have never been indicted.

..If raise doesn't go through, have vowed to turn the whole thing over to Quayle.

Top Ten Reasons to Discontinue the Top Ten Lists

..Snide remarks overheard on elevator

..Pressure from the big money boys

..Movie deal not materializing

..Provide grist for Soviet propaganda mill

..Affiliates near mutiny

..Pits brother against brother

..Looks shabby next to "Soup of the Day"

..Moving pleas from Council of Bishops

..Complaints of drowsiness

..Angry letter from Lou Rawls

David Letterman sucks!!

thanks, enough said!

clickie, clickie

Thanks for posting. I love Dave's top tens!

lmao, especially for you Dave:

Princess Diana's (RIP, Di) Top Ten Complaints About Prince Charles

..Repulsive orange teeth after scarfing down entire bag of Cheetos.

..Threatens me with beheading for leaving nylons hanging in the bathroom.

..Giggles like a schoolgirl around Buckingham Palace guards.

..That phony British accent.

..Never puts the cap back on the mango love butter.

..Unfavorably compares cooking of my chef to cooking of his mother's chef.

..Laughs like a hyena at reruns of "The Jeffersons"

..Always calls Pizza Hut before we've decided on topping we want.

..Constantly slips and calls me "Oprah"

..Wears "Home of Big Ben" boxer shorts

Outta kudes -- here's a and a

Woo Hoo, a David Letterman fan! phhhffffffttttt to TeeKo!

Tank ya! [smile]https://i.tfster.com/tfs/images/smilies/hug.gif">

Top Ten Things the U.S. Armed Forces Have Over the Soviets

..In hand-to-hand combat, U.S. soldier has advantage of having seen professional wrestling.

..Notches on nose of our nuclear missiles make it easier to pop open a beer.

..U.S. Navy pilots go into battle with extra incentive of impressing Kelly McGillis

..Their geeky haircuts are worse than our geeky haircuts.

..Soviet subs not wired for MTV.

..Our Constitution guarantees the right to say "Bite Me" to commanding officer.

..U.S. weapons impeccably constructed by the superefficient Japanese.

..Ivan can't drink Pepsi upside down.

..Less talk, more rock

..Batman's on our side