Top Ten Things _ _ _ all courtesy of David Letterman

Top Eleven Rejected Lifesaver Flavors

...DISemBOWELmint

...Pineapple NorIeGA

...Marion-Berry

...Smouldering Wig

...Fruit-of-the-Loom

...Sonny 'N' Cherry

...Anton Fig

...Number Ten Steel Lock Washers

...Suck This

...Manson Mint

...RASHberry

Top Ten Rules of Miss America Pageant

...Liposuction is permitted, but not as part of the talent competition.

...Contestants must check out of judges' hotel room by ll a.m.

...Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box.

...The balk rule will be enforced.

...Nonfinalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly.

...Scholarship money may not be applied towards candy.

...Contestants with private armies may not topple duly elected winner.

...No Gabors.

...For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies must be from their home state.

...***Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth, not on Gary Collins.

Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes

...Inside the Digestive System

...Today is the Yesterday We'll Be Embarrassed about Tomorrow.

...Hormones Ahoy!

...Stairway to Unrewarding Careers

...Dorks in Rented Tuxes

...Restroom Memories

...Acne! Acne! Acne!

...Marry Early for a Lifetime of Misery

...Emergency Room, Here We Come!

...***Geeks-a-Poppin'!

{b}Top Ten Rejected After-School Specials

...The Boy Who Counted Cards

...Please Don't Make Me Go on "Family Feud"

...The Day the Gym Teacher Cried

...The Popular Boy Who Smoked and Drank a Lot

...Hiking with Reverend Al

...Never Kiss a Rodeo Clown

...Nugget, the Golden Retriever with Flatulence

...Tiffany and Debbie Gibson: The Catfight!

...From Larry Holmes, with Love

...***Father was a Flight Attendant

Top Ten Fun Things About Being Mikhail Gorbachev

...Using KGB surveillance equipment to get free HBO.

...Can jump turnstile to Moscow subway and nobody says a word.

...Staging fake battle scenes in Afghanistan and then selling the footage to CBS.

...On opening day of Soviet auto show, got to be the first one to sit in the Batmobile.

...Constitutionally empowered to strip-search any citizen.

...The Whammo Company is always sending free stuff.

...Counter guys at Moscow McDonald's usually slip in a couple extra McNuggets.

...Lucrative Jockey underwear endorsement deal

...Gets to play Santa at end of May Day parades.

...***Raisa after two glasses of wine.

Top Ten Exhibits in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

...Michael Jackson's original nose.

...Diorama of Pink Floyd trashing a Holiday Inn.

...The Childproof Cap Elvis Couldn't Open.

...The mint green shorts worn by Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to the Oldies"

...The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV Veejay to Former MTV Veejay.

...The Record Company Weasel Petting Zoo.

...Great Moments with Mister Mister

...Get the Hell Off the Stage!: A Tribute to Opening Acts.

..."Catch a Disease from a Groupie" kissing booth.

...***Ride the Wild Cher

Mrs. Noriega's Top Ten Pet Peeves

...Clearasil on pillowcases

...Every Thursday, it's torture night with the boys.

...He keeps track of big bundles of drug money but can't remember the last time he paid the paper boy.

...Husbands who violently threaten the U.S.A. just when you're about to fly to New York to catch Tyne Daly in 'Gypsy'.

...Every anniversary the same thing: Banana Republic gift certificates.

...When the good china gets sprayed with machine-gun fire.

...That Billy Joel song mentions everybody but her husband.

...He launders millions of dollars -- but try to get him to rinse out his socks.

...***Certain U.S. presidents who declare war on your husband just because you wouldn't date them in high school.