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On January 22, 2015 xLETHAL_VIXENx


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Logical Alien



Your pants, United States (gen
Joined: Dec 2009

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xLETHAL_VIXENx
TFS Journal
Two Roads Diverge In A Yellow Wood
June 12, 2014 @ 06:33:02 am
The truth is sad...

It's been a few years since I've been able to write a legit blog. The other day, I focused my energy into a stupid poem that really didn't even make sense, tonight I focus on my pain, my broken heart. Let me tell you why I am suffering...



July 25th 2013, my husband of 5 years left me for a woman I called my best friend. I felt like I failed my kids, all three of them. I tried to get him back, I begged on my knees literally. No matter what I did, he would not take me back, he was happy with a woman that promised him the moon and Jupiter. My mission obviously failed, I had no choice but to move on. My best friend Brian, he was the one that I turned to, I felt that he could help me and take away all my heart break. I brought him into my life fully around December 4th 2013, I moved out of my sisters house in Humble, TX (which is where I moved after the divorce) and moved into my mom's old apt in downtown Houston, TX with Brian. I brought him into my life after a horrible fight we had via web/text, he never really wanted to be here. So, 7 months after that move in, things started to fall apart real bad... My excessive drinking became a problem, as well as my many guy friends I had. Our love began to fall apart, everything actually HAS fallen apart.



Every morning that I am woken up by my 2 year old daughter, Kira, I am just reminded of my Sean, my ex husband. Her hazel eyes, her blond hair, her extremely large head... I end up just crying silently and then she rubs my head saying "fall down, mommy?". My poor child, she has no idea why mommy is crying, mommy's heart is shredded. The main reason I am writing this blog is because I recently just read Brian's text msgs, they were terrible. It's apparent that he no longer loves me, hell, I don't think he ever did love me because of what I did right before I moved him here, it seems like he just tolerated me... Just like Sean. His msgs to various people consisted of "I hate this b****!", "If it wasn't for the kids and lack of money, I'd have been long gone.", etc.... There is no room for love, understanding or tolerance any more in this relationship. I have tried communicating with him verbally and even in my journal that I keep visible for him to see but he refuses to have a cordial discussion with me about my problems, all he does is yell at me and call me names, also point out all the issues I have going on... I am... A worthless woman. I didn't deserve Sean and I don't deserve Brian, I don't deserve anyone.



Lately, I have dreams that consist of nothing more than painful memories and wishes. My mind and heart are living in the past but fighting for the future, how can they both make it if no one is willing to love me and suffer with me? I AM broken and now I'm finally beginning to see that NO ONE can help or fix me. I am alone, I have always been alone since I was little. I didn't have my mom around as often because she was off partying or selling drugs, my dad was hundreds of miles away and he could care less about his 'first' set of kids. My sister raised me and I raised my brother, that's all it was, there never was love or understanding for us... Therefore, if there was never a loving set of parents for us, how was/am I supposed to know what it means to be a family? I had no example and now MY love life is a failure. I always thought I was better than my parents because I was married for 5 years with 3 kids and with the best husband I could ever ask for... But, I didn't realize how wrong I was, I was never better than my parents, my husband always went off and cheated. Child #1, he cheated on me with many highschool friends of ours, child #2 he cheated on me with the upstairs neighbor who was a gymnast, child #3 he cheated on me with this girl named Alena Miller that is now his wife. I always forgave him because I loved him, but I should have known, I should have known what was going to happen. I never really had a happy marriage, but I pretended because it was too devastating to see the truth. I made a little happy life for myself in denial, it was happy and beautiful, no matter what anyone else said.



Apparently, I am destined to be alone, no one loves me as I ever love them. I love them all unconditionally, while they love me conditionally. 1st husband stopped loving me because I didn't clean all the time, boyfriend doesn't love me anymore because I drink and have friends. The only thing I know is that my ex husband had a reason to leave me because I didn't clean as often... But my boyfriend/bestfriend, he hates me because I nag about cleaning, but doesn't he see why? I have finally became the woman my ex husband needed, I am addicted to a clean home and hearty meals, I am addicted to us doing things together, I am addicted to be perfect and it's all because I lost my husband. I became everything he ever wanted even though he is gone, my ex will never take me back, but here I am, being the perfect woman I KNOW he likes. However, my boyfriend hates that. I am just a nagger to him, all I do is complain, b****, and well... b**** more. I don't know who I should be anymore, should I be the woman my ex wanted, which was a very productive clean woman or should I be what my boyfriend wants, which is a very dirty, lazy woman who does not complain? I am confused... Maybe I should let the house fill with sick and see what he does with that? I'm not sure, but I am sure he will leave me if I continue being a b****y, clean woman who drinks because she is severely depressed.

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sTreetAngeL

root tedt ree

New Post! June 13, 2014 @ 03:31:49 am
1
I say be whomever YOU want to be, FOR yourself. First and foremost. If you are not happy with yourself, you can never hope to make anyone else happy. (and if by chance you did succeed in that way in making them happy it wouldn't last because eventually you would cave, not being true to yourself).

Lastly. Get the drinking under control.
Having lived for years with a recovering alcoholic myself, I can tell you drink is one of the biggest destroyers of relationships!!!
Stop being in denial of this.
The sooner the better, for all involved. I truly wish you luck.

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