"Ruler of All" taintedblue_i
--------, United Kingdom
Joined: Feb 2006
Love can be as cold as grave,
A one-way ticket to endless sorrow,
An empire of gentle hate,
Today without tomorrow.
|Can't find Caroline and Heather.|
Looked all over.
Found Will and Tony and Alan.
They sid C and H went into Alston.
I'm bored. Hence crappy blog entry.
|Am having a Fat Day. Which is ridiculour as I'm a size 6 (Europe 34 and US no idea what) but I feel really fat and chubby |
I don't know why. But al my clothes are too big and that makes it worse because my body is hidden by the too-big clothes so my imagination imagines that the body under there is bigger than it is. But it's SO HARD to find clothes my size :'(
Sob sob sob.
I know people think people my size are lucky and shouldn't complain that it's hard to find size 4 or size 6 clothes but is really is adn I don't feel beautiful when all my clothes are loose and cost me too much money.
Sorry for the moan.
|...a chocolate eclair. all yummy pastry and- urmmm - creamy cream and chocolate icing.|
I want one now
|I just want every boy I meet to walk away with part of me.|
Until there's nothing left to hold,
until there's nothing left to hate. :'( xxx <3
|Feel the worst I have ever felt in my life|
|I'm having one of those days. I have a huge bruise on my thigh that just appeared and really hurts. I walked into the bench this morning because my sense of distance is all wack, so i have a huge red lump on my hip. I hardly had anything for breakfast because I felt really sick and just now, in the canteen, there was only one thing I can bear to eat: baguettes, and there were three left when. i was third in the line. Someone cut the line cos his friend let him in, and he took the last one so i didn't buy lunch.|
God, there's more but I just don't wanna go into it now.
Current Music: champage supernova - oasis
|10 of them. One yellow, three orange, four red and two purple. She rocks. What a generous girl and great friend.|
|Last night was the worst night in weeks. I hadn't been sad for a whole week, but last night suddenly it all weighed me down and I couldn't stop myself.|
After a couple of hours I actually went downstairs, grabbed the Yellow Pages and tried to find a psychiatrist, but it jusrt said "See Medical Practioners" so I'd have to find out if the Doctor's surgery offered psychiactric help and I was really frustrated.
I couldn't stay in that room. The dark was thick and wrapping itself me, trying to choke me. My nose and throat was so clogged after all the crying that I could barely breathe. I could only just breathe through my mouth a little, but it was really hard. I was gasping and the duvet was drawn over my mouth and I had to wrench it off so I wouldn't suffocate. I imagined my pale, cold body, lying peacefully, just as they would find me. I wondered if he would come, and kiss my cold, lifeless lips.
I took my duvet and went downstairs, through the Ash living roo, through the hallway, through the kitchen and into the main living room. I curled up on the couch, trying to quieten my sobs so as not to wake anyone.
Then it camr to me: if I went to a psychiatrist they might cure me. But without this, I wouldn't be me. I don't know who I'd be without it. They'd make me into someone else if they took away that, made me better. I don't know anything else. I've been this way for so long. I mean, for God's sake, I've been making myself bleed since I was seven, they'd stop me from doing that, wouldn't they? And they'd stop me from being angry. If I wasn't angry, people could just do what they want. I'm not letting them. I've been used already. No cures. Most of my suspicions are wrong, just me being paranoid, but if I wasn't paranoid, I'd trust people, and then they'd hurt me.
If they cure me, they'll take away everything that makes me me.
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