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On September 25, 2019 ruby2011

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TFS Journal
What matters the most?
September 15, 2019 @ 03:55:21 am
In a nutshell, I always wanted people to give a rats ass. By that, I mean stick around and not walk out for s***ty reasons or no reason. The ppl mentioned will not be called their real names.

I worked for Miss B at Arby's. On September 27, it'll be the 2 year anniversary of when she turned against me. She used to like me and then suddenly changed cuz she didn't like that I looked up to her. Before I worked at Arby's, other ppl had also turned on me, but at least I know it was justified. I was a b**** to everyone and that's definitely something that drives people away. But at Arby's, I was nice to everyone, including her. However, she was the only one I looked up to. I look up to very few people to begin with.

Before, I used to think that people only hates you if you behave badly. Now I know they can hate you for any reason, most of which has nothing to do with you. That's so discouraging that I've given up trying to get close to anyone. Besides, I'm already too old. People are so unreliable. I have to be independent. Then I'll be in control.

Kathy and Ellie were my coworkers at Arby's. They looked up to Miss B as well, but they got positive results. Meanwhile, I got canned and I'm not even allowed in the store. So I stopped going. I didn't even begin to recover until 5 months ago. By then, I've lost my job at Crossmark June of last year bc of severe, multiple mental breakdowns, which had even made me lose my voice completely. I didn't even begin to recover my voice until after I left Crossmark. And by now, thankfully, I talk normal again.

I worked for Crossmark for 5.5 years! Why was I forced to throw it all away? And what hurts the most is that Miss B don't give a rats a** how I'm doing. She never wants to see or hear from me again. I don't think she ever rejected anyone else as much as she hates me, not even other ppl she don't like. I'm ok all year except holiday season bc that's when she started hating me.

And when my boyfriend started working for Arby's last year, I dumped him. I can't deal with the trigger or with being jealous. How come Arby's accepted him and not me? I met that guy at Crossmark! He left and went to Arby's.

Seeing other people have friends and coworkers give a rats a** about them is really hard on me. I currently work for McDonald's. I actually worked for this same franchise back in 2009-2010 and now I'm back. It feels like I never left. I'm still nice to everyone. But give all these randomness, will any one of them turn against me like Miss B did?

I'm glad I talked to my supervisor about this. He took it in stride when I had my breakdowns. Several times, I would cry and accuse him of being mad at me when he wasn't. That went on for 2 weeks straight. Then I emerged to the other side. But I still wish I have someone, anyone.

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