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justcool

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new york city, New York
Joined: Jan 2009

My Stats
Age:	27
Gender:	M
Location:	new york city New York United States
Posts:	29
PLS: ?	0
Joined::	Jan 02, 2009
Reputation:	1

Screwed.
July 23, 2013 @ 12:05:20 am

I'm pretty sure I'm really screwed right now. I've exhausted all my options and I'm pretty much f***ed (excuse my language). I had two jobs and one of them was more secure. I started getting less and less hours this past couple weeks. Now I'm literally laid off because they hired another worker who had more experience than I did. Now my rent is due on Thursday and I have nothing to give her. I've explained the situation to my landlord several times. But she's so in need of the money to pay for this house that if I can't pay I need to move out so she can sell this house and get a new, cheaper one. If this happens; I'm so screwed. My mom is going to lose her mind since I've only been gone almost 3 months. I will lose the new job I'm about to get, and I will not be able to accept my school offer. I've put all my eggs in the Durham basket and it's about to crumble. I've tried getting loans but my credit is bad from previous schooling that I can't get accepted. My family isn't well off so I'm supporting myself. This is going terrible. And I don't want to leave. I'm panicking and freaking out. I just don't know what to do anymore.

7 comments | Reply

heaaaartsxox

Please help me out!
June 12, 2013 @ 02:33:19 am

I made a new blog to promote music/reviews/leaks!
I need some help promoting it though so it can get bigger.
I have some opportunities coming up to write for festivals but I need to build a portfolio. If you can follow me or give me feedback I would love you forever!
The site is: moonreview.tumblr.com

Thanks so much <3 <3 <3

9 comments | Reply

heaaaartsxox

Not feeling right.
June 02, 2013 @ 11:55:26 pm

I figured after this week I would be feeling fantastic. My job has been going well, and my house looks fine at the moment. And my friend came to visit on Wednesday till Friday. That was the one thing I was looking forward to over everything.
But now, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach and I keep over thinking everything.
I keep thinking that I wasn't enough, or we didn't do enough. Or that he just wasn't having a good time being with me.
I should probably include that I've had a thing for this guy for 4 years and he's had a thing for me. And throughout the years we talked and he's had girlfriends which never worked out and he always came back telling me about how I was right. And I felt terrible for having to be right.
But I know that things are different. I know that he still has feelings for his ex and he just hasn't talked to me about it and won't.
I'm not even making proper sense. This is what he's causing, I'm losing all sensible thoughts.
He lives about 5 hours away from me which is why we never planned on being together. But him going home and knowing that she's there for him to fall back on kills me.
I don't even know why. I never even thought of him beyond of the conversations that we had.
What made me lose it was him leaving on Friday and trying to sleep without someone holding me was the worst feeling.
I got comfortable with it and I want it back.

3 comments | Reply

heaaaartsxox

Holy new post.
May 25, 2013 @ 03:36:13 am

I genuinely haven't posted anything for so long. I feel like such an a*****e cause there was a few people on this site that I loved to hear feedback from. I'm so sorry. Let's update you.
Well in the past year, I had a boyfriend that quickly ended, I lost some friends, gained some old ones that I never wanted to lose and I moved out again.
Now I'm living about an hour away from home and just started a new job. It's just a commission-based job but I'm loving it already. I'm looking for a second just so I can support myself and be able to do the things I want to do.
I'm applying to go back to school and finally get a degree. In what? I have no idea. But really; what 20-something has any clue with what's going to happen in the next few years.
I've begun this whole idea of letting things just happen. That's not a concept I'm necessarily used too. I like having structure and limits and knowing what's coming. But this mystery with just letting it flow is something I'm coming to like.
Mind you, the last couple of days have been rough. I haven't been talking to anybody from home and I don't really plan on it. I have too much going on now here, I don't have a lot of time to put in effort anymore. If it's meant to be, we'll still be friends. See, look at that. Just going with the flow.
I know the next couple of weeks are going to be brutal. I'm running on zero money, with expenses coming out the ass. I seriously am not liking that part of adulthood. But the freedom and the responsibility I like.
In exciting news, I'm going to New York in June for a concert. Risque me leaving the country just to see a few bands but I'm so excited. Me and my friend are road-tripping down and spending just the night there. I can't think of a better weekend.

Anyways, I've been thinking lately and I really need to get back in to my creative side. I use to write so well, and I used to draw sketches all the time. Now I barely even blog which is the easiest thing in the world. I'm trying to push myself back into it but I'm so bad at sticking to one task and finishing it. I'm sure once I head to the art store it'll change a little. And oh, I'm planning my first few tattoos. I know they'll just be script and on my arms but not sure of font or which I would like first.
But once I know, expect pictures immediately.

But, I should probably head to bed. I'll make a better post soon I promise.

4 comments | Reply

heaaaartsxox

Victim
July 20, 2012 @ 05:26:41 am

I am so tired of people constantly pulling out the guilt card. You don't have to play the victim in every situation that turns sour. Sure, I get it. You and your boyfriend broke up. That isn't the end of this world. If you can't handle being in a relationship stop throwing yourself into them. Become comfortable with who you are before you decide to take on someone else too.
Maybe this seems a bit one sided. I don't know. But the way I see it is I know way too many people, men and women, that get themselves into something they cannot handle.
I don't want to sound insensitive, but if you rely on a man or a woman to be your missing half; I don't think you're able to be alone. And that is something I cannot understand.
Being alone doesn't always have to be lonely. It's being comfortable with yourself. Being able to handle things alone, being independent. I adore that feeling.
I'm sorry for this rant, but I've seen too many people lately on my Facebook freaking out over relationships and had to talk someone down from killing themselves because their girlfriend was an a*****e.
It's horrible and I hate seeing people so torn up. But again, using it as an excuse to be miserable all the time isn't helping.
Pick yourself up and show everyone how awesome you are. Bad things happen every single day. Sitting inside and wallowing over what you lost or what you never had isn't going to make it come back. Be someone and do something with yourself.
You are something.

5 comments | Reply

heaaaartsxox

Updated life.
June 29, 2012 @ 08:37:19 am

Wow, it's been months since I've even looked back at this site. I feel terrible since this was the only place I ever felt I could talk and people would listen.
A lot has changed since I've last posted. I finished my first year of college and have moved back home for the summer. I moved out of the house that I was having a terrible time in. Probably the best decision. Through moving out, I have lost a great number of people in my life. All of the roommates I had I no longer talk too. Either I or them have deleted us off any social networking sites. It's a clean break and I love it. I kept one friend from that house and I couldn't imagine not having her in my life. She's a sweetheart and knows exactly how to talk to me like I'm someone.
I'm switching schools and finding my own apartment in that city. I'm so excited to live alone. It sounds scary a little to most. I'll be twenty and living alone. But it's not like I haven't been supporting myself for the past year and a half.
I know it'll be hard but I'm willing to do this.
I like change as long as I know it'll be for the better.
I feel steady on my feet as if I can take on any challenges that come my way. Honestly, that seems really strange coming from me since these past few weeks have been stressful with finding a summer job and lining one up in the new city I'll be living in.
But after a talk with my mom and sister I've had a change in attitude. I know I can do things as long as I have the determination to do so. And I feel like I can now.
I have more self-confidence than before actually. Strange feeling to get used too.
I wish though, that I wasn't so sarcastic. But that's a post for another day. To whomever reads this sorry for the rant but thank you for the time to read.

heaaaartsxox

Throwing it around.
February 22, 2012 @ 01:55:40 am

I keep seeing the same thing around everywhere. People throwing the word love out like it's nothing. It's such a fragile thing and to simply say with no meaning is heartbreaking. It can break, ruin, and tear up things without a second look. As amazing as love is, it's equally as hurtful. For certain people, they need to understand that it's more than just four letters. That it isn't just something to say like "Hi" or "Thank you". It has meaning beyond anything and its complexities are beyond understanding.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that if we stop saying it because of guilt or because we feel that people need to hear it all the time; it would gain back meaning.
It used to mean so much, now it gets questioned constantly.
I'm all for love, and I want everyone to feel it, but I don't want it to be false or untrue. It should be unconditional.

2 comments | Reply

heaaaartsxox

Positive thoughts; positive actions.
January 31, 2012 @ 06:19:58 am

I always have a knack for caring too much. It sounds great in theory but helping the guy you love on his girl issues isn't what I expected. Honestly, I don't mind, if people are becoming happy because of the support that I can give them, then I am happy. All I want in my life is to be surrounded by people that can find me amazing and supportive and someone to turn too. As much as things might hurt to help them with I want them to be happy. I'd do that for any person in my life. And it's what makes me...me.
I guess I figured that it was getting me no where. But in reality the good karma comes back around.
I found a new apartment that is smaller and amazingly priced. I will be able to afford to go out and do things I've wanted to do. That's an amazing change from where I am.
I'm feeling better every minute that passes and I like it.
The past needs to stay in the past. Of course the people need to stay around but any history can be thrown out the window. I want a clean slate. I want to be able to look back on the choices I make and say they were all for the better.
I don't regret a single thing that I have done. It's brought me to this moment, this time, and I can't complain. There are things that I have to see constantly and they're still struggles. But having the friends and family support from my sister and mother is all I need. It gets me through everything. They're my all.
I'm kind of confusing when writing, but my thoughts are finally out.

I'm happy.

4 comments | Reply

heaaaartsxox

Private.
January 23, 2012 @ 03:30:00 am

There are reasons as to why some things are kept secret. That's an understanding that I used to have with a lot of the friends I knew throughout high school. Family matters are not something that I want to talk about with certain people because they don't understand what it's like. Yes, there are problems bigger in this world then what I've seen or dealt with. But my family problems effect me and I'm tired of having to explain myself for the actions I choose to do.
Just because I went home for the weekend, to go out one day doesn't mean my priorities aren't in order. I pay my bills, rent, and supply food for myself all alone. I've gotten this far, and yes, somethings I don't need to acknowledge. But when it comes to my sister and mother I will drop everything and go see them. So sue me for going out for one day to relax and kick back because I'm stressed beyond belief.
It's this one roommate that always thinks everything is fixable. He doesn't know what a broken home is. Nor does he "understand." As much as he believes he does.
I'm just not in good terms with my whole house except for one person. And I'm really excited to leave.

9 comments | Reply

heaaaartsxox

Erg.
January 17, 2012 @ 09:35:39 pm

I figured I would have more people to talk to that could understand. I just want money and go see my friend for the weekend so I can cry with him and he can help me through it. I'm tired of waiting around and moping in my worries. I need out. My roommates aren't close enough to understand so for now, I'm scheduling my ride to Ottawa and packing. By the end of this month I will be going to see him and get out of this slump.

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