It stops, time stops at times, makes me wonder why and what I?m living for. My family? Some might call it selfish, but feeling guilty about shocking them with a suicide wouldn?t be something that I?d worry about. And it?s strange, despite what countless people say hypocritically, that everyone fears death and doublish so the people whom deny it, I say it?s more of a fact of if you except death or not. I don?t have a religion, a belief, what about auras you might ask? That?s not a belief, that?s a fact; there?s a big difference that most people take for granted. So when I think about it hours on end like I always do, if religion is based on believing, if you don?t believe in anything, do you go to hell, or to heaven even if you don?t believe in one? Heh, just something to ponder endlessly over. Every time I feel insecure, about to cry, feeling that I wish to die, to end this constant never ending search for reasoning, or to just go to the easy way and except a religion and have all my answers that I myself will want from wool over my eyes, to NOT be in control of at least my life when my body is owned from lack of age, from location, from everything, being property of life that I never asked for in the first place, the only thought that has me keep going is that if there was someone in this life that has stood above all of this, these beliefs, this seeking counsel and guidance, is simply that if I cannot own my body, my age, my time, then I simply want to own my mind. I?m not attempting to be offensive to others and their religions, to be offensive, I?d have to be trying to change one?s belief or trying to give your religion a bad name. That?s my disclaimer, and this is me going to think for a while before bed.
Heh, I doubt this is making any sense, but alas, I hardly make any sense to myself so bare with me.