?Realization comes through reaping
Reality contained in quite
My companions are walking corpses
I am buried with your words
Turned their backs to me
Scared to see the ghost
Turned and walked away
Scared to see the ghost
Time to go one last look, one last touch. A ghost to those I love
Time to go one last look, one last touch. Goodbye to those I love
So close
So close to separation
A ghost without a grave
A ghost without a name
So close?-Zao, The ghost psalm.

There was someone that I used to sense, you could say, it was like he knew all about me, he accepted me, he?d go everywhere with me, watched over me making me feel so content and safe. I suppose that he went into a sleep once in a while or so, ha, maybe this is all just in my mind, maybe none of this is real, but dear readers, I?m afraid that I have way too much damn pride in me to simply give up but more than that this is the only thing that I?ve been able to believe in for the last 4 years or so, because it is proof enough to me.

And even at our old house, there where people, outlines of them in hallways, whispers in the empty rooms, just strange s***, and it wasn't just me, my sister?s friend said that she used to get glimpses of them too. All I can say though is that, looking through old photos of my great, great grandmothers, I found out that there where more than just a few family members in that old house that we used to live in then we thought.

This person, the one I mentioned before, when ever I get hurt intentionaly by someone, and if I pass out or get dizzy, I always feel calm, even if I?m in so much pain, even if he?s sleeping, he wakes up and, well, according to the witnesses and what I can mildly remember from the past incidences, he takes over my body, one would say I go crazy or that I?m 'skitzo', HA, or even 'posessed', but awnser this; can you be posessed by a demon who is so loving if you don't beilve in heaven, therfore neither in hell? ;]


I guess I can relate to this song at the top of the page, heh, funny how I live two lives it seems; one that everyone takes for granted, but then again, I do myself, the life of a 13 year old computer geek who only talks about Hellsing series as if substituting for the lack of social life that she has, well, being home schooled, living on 12 miles of dirt roads and only going into society at most twice a week. Then, there?s the life that she?s only ever shared with a few people about, my sister doesn?t want to hear it, saying that she has a belief, not specific, just believing that there is a ?creator? and a ?heaven? of some sorts, trying to tell her about it on emotionally weak days that make me myself sickened by my own repulsive impotent being, 'it' of course being my visions, dreams and ability to see auras around the hour. Well, she obviously doesn?t have enough emotional stamina to support her own beliefs if she freaks out about me telling her about things that I can see, speaking only a few sentences more than what I?ve told the rest of my friends. That didn?t work.

Maybe I?m just simply being an immature brat about all of this. But I suppose that would be judging myself, and it?s not a true label until you have a grouped opinion about something, I suppose. God if there is one I hate this language, with every word I write, type, breath, think, read, I can?t help but think that it just hardly has any true meaning, these words, they have no life, dead one would say. I think it?s because humanity?s jeopardized these words that used to have some ounce of respect. Such as the word love, this is a rather personal word, when you?re younger, you say to your mother and father ?I love you? before bed, when you grow up, well, weather you use that word with respect or if you just fling it at every person that you think is fun I don?t give a s***. I thought about the word love for a few days and decided that I?d only say it to the person that I truly love, to me, the word love means that I would die for you, and I defiantly don?t use those words lightly, not to be emo, but one really can only give their live once, wedding rings? f*** that, god, if a guy said to me that he loved me, and he understood my meaning of love, Jesus, I?d die next to him, for him or with him any time, anywhere, anyhow. My point if I ever do have one however, is that I simply wish that words had more meaning to them, instead of being taken for granted daily. Now onto the Hellsing fan fiction to get my mind off things.

</3 Thanks for reading guys, and PLEASE comment??