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"I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind"
On July 29, 2010 evababy1


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lodi, New Jersey
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evababy1
All typed out...
I don't know what I'm about to say..
December 16, 2009 @ 05:27:54 am

Is it my fault? I wonder sometimes what happened to me. I guess there's no real way to know. Ever feel like you lost yourself? I have. I do. I'm never quite sure what my problem is. I try my best to keep on a happy face, but that gets hard after faking for so long. I remember when I used to have Eva everyday. Go to sleep with my baby, wake up to my baby, feed my baby, play with my baby and more. All after I quit Domino's. I had some part time jobs after that, but usually I was with the baby while Jeff worked. It was nice not having to work doubles anymore and show up to early Monday meetings discussing food and labor percentages. It was nice to be home and be with the baby all day. Then I started working again. Like crazy. I don't have huge responsibility at this job. Just a lot of hours. And since Jeff and I broke up, I barely see Eva, since we no longer are living together. Now I only see her on weekends, and Tuesday nights-Wednesday. But I didn't even get her tonight. It gets to me sometimes. I miss that little girl. She's my everything. But I like being alone when I can be. I was seeing this guy recently but that didn't work. He was way too needy for me. Maybe he isn't so needy, but for me it was too much. Just always on my ass. I begged for my space and it made the b**** inside me come out. Now we're broken up and he still doesn't give me space. And talks about how torturous this is. It's all bulls***. You're 31, get over it. I like my privacy. I like to stay in by myself sometimes. And if we're together, I like to watch TV without holding hands. I like to lay down and talk without kissing and cuddling. I like to cook without being groped. I just like to act regular. Not act like a couple all the time. It was so annoying. I don't like feeling like property. I wanna feel like your equal. If you ask me for space, I'll give it to you. Invading someone's space and privacy is wrong. Why would you wanna do that? It's not fair. And then I get called selfish? Please, go cry somewhere else. I haven't been single in forever. f*** Jeff and f*** this dude. Nobody f***ing cares what I want. I'm so fed up with all this s***. Call me a liar, call me selfish, call me cruel. But at the end of the day, you're no longer with me. And nobody gets it while they still have time. It's always when you're gone and then you still have to listen to it. f***ing lost your chance. It's time I think about me. And what I want. That's what my life is for. Sorry.

1
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drummerwannabe

Travel Junkie

New Post! December 16, 2009 @ 05:33:25 am
1


Wingsy

wingsdillialicious!

Moderator
New Post! December 16, 2009 @ 05:38:00 am
1
Jenna, you have to think about what's best for you and for Eva. Obviously, you and Jeff aren't living together anymore, so she can't be with both of you all the time. But she is getting to see both of you. I don't think you're being selfish. My mom says there were times when she wanted to be alone when we were young. It's hard when you have children, because they demand so much of your time. I'm trying to get a friend of mine IRL to understand now that you have to think about your kids. You know that, and you're a good mom to her.

Don't rush into any relationship just so that you're not single. I was single for 7, going on 8 years and I survived. Then I found a great guy who adores me as much as I adore him. Don't sell yourself short and don't you DARE settle for less than everything you deserve!


Allyson

New Post! December 16, 2009 @ 05:44:39 am
1
nothing wrong with being alone if you need that, Hope you feeling better now


ReAdSaLoT

New Post! December 16, 2009 @ 06:08:58 am
1
Jenna, I'd say that it's about time you indulged yourself in what you need. You really had quite a bit of responsibility thrown at you very young.No matter how much we adore our children then need so much. Take time to figure out what you need; you'll be an even better mom and that will be good for Eva. You sound sad and stressed. You also sound smart; knowing what you need to do is half the battle. It will get better I promise.

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