| Darkness can descend upon me at times without warning like the ocean waves. I know it always exist, licking at the fibers of my soul and at times, I lose the fight. how these waves rush over me, drowning me within its dark, dank mists. always, I pull myself out, grasping for a breathe of air and life. Yet, every tumble makes it harder and harder to reach the surface, how these waves are rushing me. today, enloping my soul, drowning me under its crushing weigh. How i tell myself that only I can make me happy, but it brings little comfort when I am lost in the dark.|
The mounting fears within me are like shouts, screams dragging me further into the murkiness. How I try to silence them, to dismiss them from my life and mind. Yet, they lurk there just the same, pulling me stray leaving me crying all alone. Yearning for something better, something different, to be someone else with a different existenve then this sorry one.
of cousre, I remind myself that it could be lot worse, that others are in the worse conditions then myself. I don't live in a war torn land, i have my health. I don't live in fear of being thrown in jail or harmed for speaking my mind, anything to wash this darkness from my thoughts, including preventing tht everything is okay. Perhaps that is the attraction for reading a good book, watching a movie, or playing a game.
It is the means of escape, escaping the present, yet what is truly wrong with the present? Not much really, bills piling high, working all the time but never getting again, doubting that my spouse cares or loves me, pretty sure he probably doesn't, just an overall feeling of helplessness, fear and depression, that i am not really worth much...general depression I guess.
does anything really matter? Does anything we say or think even count for anything? What is it all for? Why do we even exist? Questions that just don't seem to have any answers or do they? Does anyone have answers? I know I don't!