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""I am a deeply superficial person" ~a.w."
On April 15, 2021 JorieJukebox

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Right Here, Not There,
Joined: Dec 2009

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Age: 43
Gender: F
Location: Right Here, Not There

United States
Posts: 7159
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Joined:: Dec 31, 2009
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TFS Journal
40 almost kicked my ass!
October 05, 2018 @ 07:40:13 pm
ALMOST... Last year, about this time, I was NOT having the best time with turning forty... And that's putting it lightly!

It was a Monday, I remember... It all just seemed to take a sudden turn. I had dropped my son off, and on my way to work, everything seemed WRONG. I was questioning it all...
I pulled into work, my job at a tobacco factory, turned my car off and sat there. I lay my head back, tears streaming down my face, the same words coming from my lips over and over again:
"What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING???"
I shook it off and went in. Gotta get that paycheck, right?
The rest of the week, I was on the verge of tears... 40.
The littlest things pushed me over the edge... 40.
I threw away nearly a year of sobriety... 40.
The only thing I was sure of was that I wasn't sure of ANYTHING... 40.
I missed work a LOT. But I didn't care, because I hated my job. I don't use the word hate, usually. It's intensely negative. But I did.
When it came to work, it came down to one thing... At the end of the day, I have to be able to look my kids in the eye and say I do something they can be proud of their mom for doing... C'mon, what's to be proud of in making cancer sticks???
I asked around, of people older than I, what they would tell their 40 year old selves if given the chance. I got a lot of great answers, but my favorite came from the oldest dude in the factory:
"You're never too old to set new goals. Set new goals, and f***ING SMASH THEM."
Two weeks later, I saw a job opening for my Tribe. Even though I didn't think I had any business doing so, I went for it.
Now I work for families in my Tribe and community... Parents, and their kids, prenatal to age three. I act as a parenting coach, mentor, a link to other services. I teach parenting classes and am a certified lactation peer counselor. I have an OFFICE, with a desk and a phone and a computer and my name is on the door! I have clients and expense accounts... It all still blows my mind! And in between all that, there was a car accident, and a broken heart... Oh hell yeah.
This summer was rough. My mind went absolutely screwy. I'm bi-polar, and sometimes it just goes...OFF! Everything, it seemed, was a trigger. And I had quit drinking as well. Being triggered made me thirsty, and being thirsty made me triggered... Vicious cycle! Add that with dealing with feelings for the last person in the world you want to fall for... But that's a whole other story... Yeah.
Working through that, another wrench was thrown in. My roommate decided she wanted to move. And it wasn't much of a notice I got. Less than two months. And that was after I had to pry it out of her that she was even thinking about it. Never again! I wasn't cut out for a roommate anyway. I'm old and set in my ways! Even if I date, they can love me from home!
Needless to say, THAT was a doozy.
But here I am.
This house is AWESOME. My room is huge, with a walk-in closet and a tiny view of the bay. The boy has a nice sized room with a large closet as well. We've got a media room, an office/library/art studio, dining room with a skylight... I love it! The morning we had our first rain, I opened it all up, and it was just perfect... The way the windows are all set, a breeze goes through the place... It smelled like fresh rain IN MY HOUSE!
My job is so wonderful. I've gone to many trainings, the first one I drove 4 hours by myself to train with people I never met before... SOOOOO far out of my comfort zone. But it's so amazing. Everyone I meet is so supportive and encouraging, it blows me away, and touches my soul! I'm about to get on a plane for the first time in my life. Flying down to Phoenix for a conference.

Today is my 201st day sober.
40 almost got me, but I made a comeback!

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