First of all, let me just say that I am glad you are still here, seeing that you've been contemplating suicide. I will continue to be glad to see you every time.
I've known you on here for so long, hun, and I've seen you grow and open your mind and grow even more.
I hope you keep up with your art and volunteer work. It is SO important to have OUTLETS. Creativity is one of the best ones.
Reaching out is important as well, just as you've done here. It's not an easy thing to admit our "imperfections."
I sincerely hope you find friends that you are comfortable enough with to open up to, and that you find another therapist to help you.
I wish you all the best, my friend.
The effects of childhood are with us throughout our lives. That is fact. We cannot run from it or escape it - except permanently. Which I don't recommend.
We all carry scars. I have found the most important thing is to be gentle with yourself. Wounds heal better without being picked at.
I could have written several of your sentences. Growing up with a man that does not have proper emotional self control leaves its mark.
Just try as much as possible to be gentle and kind to yourself. Try to think of yourself as your own child or little sister or even see yourself through your pet's eyes.
Just as if you look for the bad you will surely find it... if you look for the good you will find it too.
I agree with both of the above commenters. Have patience with yourself.The healing process has started as you recognized the problem and now you know what was wrong. Animals are great because they are non judgemental and can actually help you feel what's real and what's not. I know some days are harder than others. Just keep hanging in there.Keep doing what you're doing. We care.
Thank you everybody. I admit I wasn't in a healthy frame of mind when I posted this, but it was good to get it out. Getting through this is a long process, but it's achievable... I just need to bring more positive things into my life for starters...