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Fort Collins, Colorado
Joined: Feb 2010

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grasshopper
TFS Journal
My struggle with PTSD (possible trigger warning?)
May 12, 2016 @ 08:40:10 am

It has recently come to light the fact that for a long time I've unknowingly been dealing with complex PTSD due to being raise in an alcoholic and domestically violent household since I was a small child. For years I've passed off my symptoms as bipolar and/or anxiety.

Unlike the classic PTSD that is caused by war combat or a near death experience, complex PTSD is caused by chronic stress for long periods of time and is fairly misunderstood and overlooked by most people.

Growing up I've watched my father (Who is a long time alcoholic) beat up on my mother and get himself arrested multiple times for fighting and drug abuse. He would then turn on me by telling me how worthless and disgusting I am, how much he hates certain people I love or gay people (Causing me to feel the same hatred as he did until I accepted the fact that I myself am gay). To him I belonged in military school simply because other kids my age tend to misbehave. He threatened me with that dozens of times. While he didn't usually hit me, he'd back me into corners and scream at me saying he'd kill himself and kill me or my mom, and tell me I have no reason to "Act depressed". I'd be put in the middle of my parents' fights and was ranted at about how the other is in the wrong. Dishes were thrown and doors slammed on a near daily basis. Nothing was ever predictable except for the fact that any good day would be short lived and taken over by a fight or having to tell dad that the world is not out to get him.


Due to this and my undiscovered (until recently) case of Asperger's syndrome I was behind in my mental development and was rather childish, so I was constantly bullied in every way up until high school.

To this day I'm defensive around men and have never liked myself. On bad days I constantly feel like there's somebody just inches behind me waiting to jump at me, and I physically flinch/startle at every light flicker or anytime I hear a man's voice in the distance. I'm afraid of disappointing people and I eat all the time to hopefully make myself feel better until I realize it's useless. Skipping food doesn't help either. Just an hour ago I was staggering drunk and relapsed into my old self-harm habit.

Honestly this week has been extra hard as my therapist that I've bonded with is moving out of state, On top of that I have been contemplating suicide for the last several days.

I've been getting back into artwork this year, and I find some comfort working with the birds and other volunteers at the raptor rehabilitation center I volunteer for. (One Bird is shown in my avatar picture. Female great horned owl)

Often I feel I have no real future to look forward to, and I'll never be comfortable interacting normally with other people; but I'm still not giving up quite yet. It's a difficult struggle every step of the way, but I'm working through it. I've been out of my parents' place and on my own for over three years now.

1
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JorieJukebox

...

New Post! May 13, 2016 @ 10:38:13 pm
2
First of all, let me just say that I am glad you are still here, seeing that you've been contemplating suicide. I will continue to be glad to see you every time.
I've known you on here for so long, hun, and I've seen you grow and open your mind and grow even more.
I hope you keep up with your art and volunteer work. It is SO important to have OUTLETS. Creativity is one of the best ones.
Reaching out is important as well, just as you've done here. It's not an easy thing to admit our "imperfections."
I sincerely hope you find friends that you are comfortable enough with to open up to, and that you find another therapist to help you.
I wish you all the best, my friend.


LuckyCharms

Magically Delicious

New Post! May 16, 2016 @ 09:08:37 am
2
The effects of childhood are with us throughout our lives. That is fact. We cannot run from it or escape it - except permanently. Which I don't recommend.

We all carry scars. I have found the most important thing is to be gentle with yourself. Wounds heal better without being picked at.

I could have written several of your sentences. Growing up with a man that does not have proper emotional self control leaves its mark.

Just try as much as possible to be gentle and kind to yourself. Try to think of yourself as your own child or little sister or even see yourself through your pet's eyes.

Just as if you look for the bad you will surely find it... if you look for the good you will find it too.


newmexicodan

New Post! May 16, 2016 @ 04:00:17 pm
2
I agree with both of the above commenters. Have patience with yourself.The healing process has started as you recognized the problem and now you know what was wrong. Animals are great because they are non judgemental and can actually help you feel what's real and what's not. I know some days are harder than others. Just keep hanging in there.Keep doing what you're doing. We care.


Grasshopper

Just me.

New Post! May 23, 2016 @ 02:08:52 am
0
@JorieJukebox Said

First of all, let me just say that I am glad you are still here, seeing that you've been contemplating suicide. I will continue to be glad to see you every time.
I've known you on here for so long, hun, and I've seen you grow and open your mind and grow even more.
I hope you keep up with your art and volunteer work. It is SO important to have OUTLETS. Creativity is one of the best ones.
Reaching out is important as well, just as you've done here. It's not an easy thing to admit our "imperfections."
I sincerely hope you find friends that you are comfortable enough with to open up to, and that you find another therapist to help you.
I wish you all the best, my friend.



@LuckyCharms Said

The effects of childhood are with us throughout our lives. That is fact. We cannot run from it or escape it - except permanently. Which I don't recommend.

We all carry scars. I have found the most important thing is to be gentle with yourself. Wounds heal better without being picked at.

I could have written several of your sentences. Growing up with a man that does not have proper emotional self control leaves its mark.

Just try as much as possible to be gentle and kind to yourself. Try to think of yourself as your own child or little sister or even see yourself through your pet's eyes.

Just as if you look for the bad you will surely find it... if you look for the good you will find it too.



@newmexicodan Said

I agree with both of the above commenters. Have patience with yourself.The healing process has started as you recognized the problem and now you know what was wrong. Animals are great because they are non judgemental and can actually help you feel what's real and what's not. I know some days are harder than others. Just keep hanging in there.Keep doing what you're doing. We care.


Thank you everybody. I admit I wasn't in a healthy frame of mind when I posted this, but it was good to get it out. Getting through this is a long process, but it's achievable... I just need to bring more positive things into my life for starters...


Willi

New Post! May 23, 2016 @ 02:14:56 am
0
hi, my name is Willi and I have complex PTSD. It happened in my mid to late 30s.


Willi

New Post! May 23, 2016 @ 02:18:09 am
0
I did my best to pull a trigger.
then a voice stopped me and showed me life is a gift.
I miss the dreams with the greats of the past.


Grasshopper

Just me.

New Post! May 23, 2016 @ 01:11:28 pm
0
@Willi Said

hi, my name is Willi and I have complex PTSD. It happened in my mid to late 30s.



@Willi Said

I did my best to pull a trigger.
then a voice stopped me and showed me life is a gift.
I miss the dreams with the greats of the past.


Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I do hope you're doing well in the present time, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.


Willi

New Post! May 23, 2016 @ 04:26:03 pm
1
@Grasshopper Said

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I do hope you're doing well in the present time, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.


you are not alone.
it sucks when it hits me.
you ever wanna talk.
I aint no dr.
just from the school of hard knocks.

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