It has recently come to light the fact that for a long time I've unknowingly been dealing with complex PTSD due to being raise in an alcoholic and domestically violent household since I was a small child. For years I've passed off my symptoms as bipolar and/or anxiety.

Unlike the classic PTSD that is caused by war combat or a near death experience, complex PTSD is caused by chronic stress for long periods of time and is fairly misunderstood and overlooked by most people.

Growing up I've watched my father (Who is a long time alcoholic) beat up on my mother and get himself arrested multiple times for fighting and drug abuse. He would then turn on me by telling me how worthless and disgusting I am, how much he hates certain people I love or gay people (Causing me to feel the same hatred as he did until I accepted the fact that I myself am gay). To him I belonged in military school simply because other kids my age tend to misbehave. He threatened me with that dozens of times. While he didn't usually hit me, he'd back me into corners and scream at me saying he'd kill himself and kill me or my mom, and tell me I have no reason to "Act depressed". I'd be put in the middle of my parents' fights and was ranted at about how the other is in the wrong. Dishes were thrown and doors slammed on a near daily basis. Nothing was ever predictable except for the fact that any good day would be short lived and taken over by a fight or having to tell dad that the world is not out to get him.


Due to this and my undiscovered (until recently) case of Asperger's syndrome I was behind in my mental development and was rather childish, so I was constantly bullied in every way up until high school.

To this day I'm defensive around men and have never liked myself. On bad days I constantly feel like there's somebody just inches behind me waiting to jump at me, and I physically flinch/startle at every light flicker or anytime I hear a man's voice in the distance. I'm afraid of disappointing people and I eat all the time to hopefully make myself feel better until I realize it's useless. Skipping food doesn't help either. Just an hour ago I was staggering drunk and relapsed into my old self-harm habit.

Honestly this week has been extra hard as my therapist that I've bonded with is moving out of state, On top of that I have been contemplating suicide for the last several days.

I've been getting back into artwork this year, and I find some comfort working with the birds and other volunteers at the raptor rehabilitation center I volunteer for. (One Bird is shown in my avatar picture. Female great horned owl)

Often I feel I have no real future to look forward to, and I'll never be comfortable interacting normally with other people; but I'm still not giving up quite yet. It's a difficult struggle every step of the way, but I'm working through it. I've been out of my parents' place and on my own for over three years now.