Last Thursday, lilkatangel (who I will be referring to as Kat) broke up. It's a long story, but I'll try to keep it brief.

I was supposed to get a phone call from her last Thursday. She would put me on with her ex, the father of her children, and he would talk to me and decide whether he would be willing to give me a chance to come visit her and her family. He didn't trust me because in the past, I said stupid stuff when I was angry (very short version of it).

I work nights. I went to work Wednesday night and got off Thursday morning. I was tired and went to sleep not long after getting home. I only slept for half an hour. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and did stuff on the computer, trying to tire myself out so I could go back to sleep. I laid back down at about 9:30, I believe. I looked at my alarm clock and thought about setting it but didn't. I figured, I'd be lucky to sleep five hours, maybe six. I'd wake up in plenty of time to get the phone from my mother before she went to get my dad.

I didn't. I woke up at 7pm, kicking myself. I called Kat as soon as my mother got home and was told that the relationship was over. (Interesting bit of info - I went through the four stages of grief during our conversation; denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance.) I had told my mother that the phonecall was important but hadn't specified how important.

Why didn't I set my alarm? Honestly, I don't know. Sometimes, I set my alarm, and sometimes I don't. There's not really any rhyme or reason to it. It's been that way for years. Sometimes I'm sure that I'll wake up in time, and sometimes I'm right. Not this time. Why didn't I tell my mother how important the phone call was? It was hard to even talk to her about Kat. Several weeks before, I had told her about my plan to move to Colorado next year to be with Kat, and she had said that it was a terrible idea, not because of Kat but because I probably wouldn't like living with so many people, as well as two young children. Telling her that I was expecting a phonecall from Kat had been hard enough; I simply didn't have the courage to tell her that the call would determine the course of my life.

The following Sunday, my mother called Kat on her own and asked her to talk to me one more time, so we could say things without anger getting in the way. Kat thankfully agreed. I talked to her, and I told her that I thought the breakup was for the best, that I wasn't sure about stuff and a bunch of other crap. This past week, I've thought a lot about everything, and I'm not certain of anything. That's the way I usually am, trying to look at all the possibilities and not knowing which one is more true than another.

I've come to only two conclusions - I want her to be happy, and I want to be with her. Everything else, I'm unsure about.

Would I perhaps resent her in the future for not being able to give me children? There's a chance, but honestly, because we're poly, if I wanted a child, I could just have one with another woman. Or we could adopt. Or I could learn, after being around two children, that I don't want any of my own. Would I perhaps not get along with her family? There's a good chance, beecause people seem to not like me. It's hard for me to open up to people, and I am easily stressed. I'm autistic and feel persecuted and despised and have abandonment issues. I have a lot working against me. But maybe they could stand me. I'm sure I could stand them. I'm good at that. Even if I may curse people from time to time, I still want to talk to them and be accepted. I'll work my a** off to please people. Unfortunately, I'll also work hard to make myself unhappy. It's built into me, that I deserve to be unhappy, and no matter how much I work on it, I still feel like the universe only gives me moments of happiness so it can take them away. Not that that happened this time. This is all my fault.

She thought that I said that I didn't have faith in us, but I didn't say that. I told her that I didn't have faith that it would last - not that either one of us would mess up. I thought that the universe wouldn't let us be together. To put it bluntly, I thought either she or I would die. That's all I meant, that I was worried that before I could visit her, or after but before I could move out there, either she would die in some way or I would. That's my pessimistic mind, running rampant and out of my control. I always believed in us; if I hadn't, I wouldn't have even thought about moving in with a group of strangers. I wouldn't have agreed to be for her what I said I would. Despite whatever else happened in my life, I believed that she loved me and that I loved her and that it would work between us. Even now, if we could somehow move pass this, if I could regain her trust, I know that it would work. I suck at being strong for myself, but I'm great at being strong for other people.

I was worried. There were worries, beyond a doubt. But I worry about everything. Everytime a semi goes past our car on the interstate, I worry that it will crash into us. Everytime someone leaves, I worry that they will get in a wreck and die. Many nights, over the course of many years, as I've laid in bed trying to go to sleep, I've worried that I wouldn't wake up. No reason to believe that I would die but still worried that something would happen. At my old place, planes would fly pretty low, so that the house would shake a little. Everytime one did, I worried that it would crash into the house and kill us all instantly. And these weren't idle thoughts; they scared me. Because I've been this way for the majority of my life, I've gotten used to it, and it doesn't register the kind of fear that I experience when something really bad happens, but it still pangs my heart.

I wasn't worried that Kat and I would break up. The thought never entered my head, not seriously. But I did worry that her family would hate me, that after a month or two, they'd get sick and me and tell me to go back home to Tennessee. She said to trust them, but it took a lot of work to be able to trust her. I didn't even trust her in the past, when we were first together. I can't just assume that people will accept me, forever and ever. All I've ever known is people leaving, even when they say they'll never go. They forget me, and if I make contact with them again, they say that they've missed me, but I know they haven't. If they did, they would have tried to get in touch with me. They say they love me, but I know they don't. If they did, they wouldn't let me suffer the way I have, with no one by my side. People always leave.

Except Kat. I never thought she would leave, unless she was forced to, either by her family or through death. She would always be beside me. I know she understood how much that meant, how important it was, but I'm not sure she knew just how much it meant. Even if the world flipped upside down, she would always love me. She would always accept me. She would never leave me.

I don't know what to do to make things right. But I know that I want to be with her, that she makes me happy, and that I want to make her happy. Do I try to talk to her, or would that make me come off as weak? Do I spend a few years bettering myself, or would I have the same odds then as I do now, rendering the years spent apart moot? The thought occurred to me to sell everything I own and start hitchhiking to Colorado. Maybe if I walked 1,200 miles, it would show just how determined I am. But if I tried it, I'd probably end up dead in the process, not knowing how to defend myself or what rules to follow to survive, and if I died, it'd just upset her. Or I could get lost and end up in Mexico. Still, I wish there wasn't such a disconnect in my brain, that when I thought of stuff, I just did it. I wish I was on the road right now, walking instead of typing this.

Again, I don't know what to do, but I love her. And I know it would work between us. I don't even feel the need to provide any proof. I just know it would. I don't know if her ex could ever stand to be near me or let me near her, but I don't care about that right now. I just have to say that I love her, and I do want to be with her. I've spent the past week thinking about everything, and she's the person I want to share my life with, or at least one of the people. I want to protect her and beat up everyone that hurts her feelings, and it's been hard to not beat up myself, because I know I hurt her a lot, but I've refrained from it because I know she wouldn't like it. I've wanted to do so much to myself but haven't. I've tried to be optimistic and think about how I could improve my life - go back to school, maybe meet another woman, get a respectable job that I enjoy - but it all feels empty. I love Kat.

Kat, if you read this, I'm sorry if it hurts you. Believe me, I don't want to hurt you anymore. But if I really deserve to be happy, and you say that I do and I believe you, then I have to speak my mind and let you know how I feel, because nothing would make me happier than being with you. And I want to do anything and everything for you. Words are wind, said and gone with no force by themselves, but if there's anything you want me to do to prove it, tell me. If I have to go back and finish school before I can talk to you again, I'll do it and won't say a word until I get my degree. If I have to move out and live on my own, learn how to function with other people, before you'll speak to me again, I'll figure out a way to do it as soon as possible without abandoning my family. If I have to write a novel and get it published, I will, and I'll send you a copy. I already want to do all those things, to make myself feel better, but like I said, it'd all be empty without you. But if you're sure that you never want anything to do with me again, I'll keep working hard, just to keep going. And if you change your mind in the future, it'll be okay, because people sometimes make mistakes and sometimes say things they don't mean a year later. I'll always be here for you if you need me, no matter what, and if you need me to behave, I will, so never worry about calling me if you need somebody. If you tell me not to expect anything of it, I won't. But you'll always have someone that will understand you and accept you and love you.