See, christmas was depressing this year. It's always been a time of happiness for me. This year, we also had snow, which should add to the atmospehere. Nuh-uh. Grandmother's going senile, and my family is not what it used to be. For those who've read my journals, you know my parents tried to divorce earlier this year but couldn't because of money.

Also, my baby brother Henrik has become a real freak. At the age of 8, he's worse than ever. He's completely unable to be around people, he cries at everything. He's... Well, we think he's got some sort of brain damage, minor one, but still.. It's taking a toll on me as well.

For all these reasons, christmas turned out stressful and depressing. It's sad.

Helena and I broke up in February this year. It's more than 10 months ago. I haven't kissed her since August. We haven't done anything sexual since July. I love her. I love her so much it kills me. It's gotten to the point where I feel there's no point in living without her being my girlfriend. She never will be my girlfriend. Quite an issue...

I feel out of touch with reality and with myself. I console myself by eating, and I'm starting to feel ill. I go to bed at about 4am every night, even if I have to be at work at 8am.

I just... I fail to find reasons to keep living this life. I need something new. A challenge. I've been waiting for one to pop up for almost a year now. Trying to find one. I have considered leaving Sweden, just taking off and go to America or Australia or wherever. I need something new. This isn't my life, I can't live this anymore.