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| 28 | | M |
Canada | | 2395 | | 46.01 | | Dec 27, 2008 | | 211 |
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So, it's day one. Once again. In fact, it's probably nearing close to about the hundreth time it's been day again. And although I have tried and failed so many times, I am a bit amazed at myself that I haven't just given up to be like those who've reproduced and rasied me.
Or the one half, anyway. I suppose my mother has been the only stationary figure in my life, although I'm not sure that I've ever spent a day with her when she hasn't been high. My father was arrested when I was four so I don't have many memories of him, and those I do I wish they'd fade away completely. Since then, it's been an interesting web of different men trapeising through my life, although I always feel short on the list of important priorities. Who wants to come home to have sex and get high when there's a little twerp around? Even as a ghost I could never seem to fully disappear to make life easier.
Anyhow, I disgress. It's day one. Again. For the last few months I have been trying to learn to live life without the aid of a line or a bottle. I thought it'd be easy. A simple decision to say "I've had enough, I'm done." But it's not that at all. Those simple words mean you are taking away your comfort blanket and are throwing yourself at the world by yourself.
For so long I have learned to numb the pain and disappointment with the aid of a depressant; to hide my true feelings behind a mask that protected me, and now it's like I'm learning to live all over again. Facing the world bare.
It's so hard not to just give in and pick up that bottle when you've been hurt or disappointed, to numb your feelings in order to control your emotions. It's hard and scary trying to face this life, especially when it seems life doesn't want you.
I spent last night tossing and turning, waking up numerous times either from sweats and shakes from withdrawls or a nightmare. I'm still shaking today, my stomach aches, and I get these feelings of such light headedness it almost feels like I'm high again until I come crashing back down.
Migraines, hot, cold, shaking, steady, fine, sick... And it's here you realise that you're angelic bottle suddenly wasn't so nice to you and it'll do anything to torture you to pick it up again.
How do you say keep saying no? How do you live the pain everyday after hiding from it forever? I don't know... I haven't figured it out yet.
But, it's day one... | |
Aden
| So it's the end of Day One. Finally.
While my brain is still processing English, I think I've almost sketched out more today than I ever have while I was high. But you know you're not and it only leaves you to berate yourself, though it hardly means anything at this point.
I'm sure my mother will be home soon and if I can get my head to co-operate, I'd love to have my second attempt at a shower before she gets here. I'd like to say I enjoyed the peace and quiet today while she was gone but the voices in my head wouldn't go away.
My emotions were all over the place, flying this way and that at a 100 kilometers an hour. The massive highs and lows that left me in tears at the horrible shell of a person that I am. I just wish I could be somebody...
Anyhow, I'll leave now. Pray that my demons leave me alone for a few hours before awake to face the second day. I just hope it all ends soon. |
NickoBorgir
| Wow. All I'm going to say is. Well done mate!
You're still young (as condescending as that sounds, I do not mean it that way). Stick to your guns, and hold your head high. What you're doing is hard for everyone. Some people don't have the strength to go through it, but I can see that you do.
All this pain and suffering will do nothing but make you a better person at the end of it all. One day you'll be able to look back and think. "You know what?, I wouldn't change a gosh darn thing! Because all of that has made me who I am today, and I'm f***ing awesome!".
It's the roads that one travels that make them great. Not where they end up.
You're doin well mate, keep it up! 
Nicko |
Sweet_Merry
One day. . . I will
| I agree with Nicko. He said it better than I could.  |
PaNda
is Mysteria!
| | Nicko's advice is great. I just wish I could talk with you about this. It's so hard to imagine someone going through what you are, much less at your age and even worse, thinking of my son at 15! I'm here for you. Keep fighting. You'll be okay. |
friendlybear
| | Aden, it's worth the effort. I've had over 5800 day one's and hope to continue having them until I die. It can only be done successfully, one day at a time. |
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Day One...
October 29, 2009 @ 05:57:04 am
