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| 28 | | M |
Canada | | 2395 | | 46.01 | | Dec 27, 2008 | | 211 |
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So, on the good side of things I only woke up with a headache which isn't that bad. Not a lot of sleep as I still had nightmares. Something about human and lion zombies of sort that you had to kill with water. A bunch of people were spraying them in the face until they died, then turned their attention to me, even though I wasn't one. The water was spraying, and then they started punching and I remember looking at my mother standing not too far away and saying "I'm not dead! Why aren't you helping me?" Ah... Perhaps is was a psychic mention of what was to happen later today.
So I figured I'd try school. I didn't make it yesterday. I can't even remember if I made it the day before. It's freezing outside with the wind blowing a hundred miles an hour, but at least it wasn't snowing or raining. My bi-polar body temperature kept me really warm at times, absolutey deathly cold other times but I made it.
About an hour into the day and the head spins started. They weren't too bad to begin with - I'd feel a little dizzy and catch my balance when I stood but they got worse steadily. I mean imagine your free falling straight down from a thousand feet in the air to a big concrete pad. Almost landed on my a** getting out of my desk in Math class. I haven't got a clue what the lesson was; I might as well have been a zombie for all the staring I did.
Good news, the girl I kind of like and first sort of half friend stopped to talk and ask how I was. Bad news, now she really knows what a loser I am... lol
So, anyways, I didn't last past lunch before I got sent home. At least they didn't ship me off in an ambulance fearing Swine Flu. I'd have left anyway. My stomach was (is) killing me still. I feel like there's a little army of razor blades in there very slowly and deliberately working their way out in the most excruitating way possible. I guess I asked for it.
Good news, I made it out of the school without losing any contents of my stomach. Bad news, in my stumble home, I ended up walking into this macho Asian dude and his buddies on a power trip, and his fist did nothing to help my stomach, and after the first well placed shot I ended up on my hands and knees and finally did lose all my bile. Bad news, I think I got his shoe. Good news, it didn't last too long. Bad news, it hurt like f***ing hell.
Anyway, enough whining. I made it back in one piece. As long as I don't stand up, or do it extremely slowly, my head's not too bad. The gut situation hasn't changed. Every muscle is screaming in protest the moment I move.
The last weekend I spent doing too much illegal substances I hadn't eaten in three days. I tried a bowl of soup two and a half hours ago but it's not working out so well. It's like my body's not sure of this stuff and is rejecting it. I feel hungry, take a spoonful, but then my stomach turns and I don't want to puke again. And it sucks knowing that if I have even just a few beers I'll feel 100% again. But only to do this all over?
Anyways, I have the next few hours to myself before mother and jackass get here. Maybe by some miracle the symptoms will lift and I'll enjoy a good meal and a shower before I lock myself away.
Ah, the joys of life...
Current Music: Girl With Golden Eyes - Sixx AM
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So, it's day one. Once again. In fact, it's probably nearing close to about the hundreth time it's been day again. And although I have tried and failed so many times, I am a bit amazed at myself that I haven't just given up to be like those who've reproduced and rasied me.
Or the one half, anyway. I suppose my mother has been the only stationary figure in my life, although I'm not sure that I've ever spent a day with her when she hasn't been high. My father was arrested when I was four so I don't have many memories of him, and those I do I wish they'd fade away completely. Since then, it's been an interesting web of different men trapeising through my life, although I always feel short on the list of important priorities. Who wants to come home to have sex and get high when there's a little twerp around? Even as a ghost I could never seem to fully disappear to make life easier.
Anyhow, I disgress. It's day one. Again. For the last few months I have been trying to learn to live life without the aid of a line or a bottle. I thought it'd be easy. A simple decision to say "I've had enough, I'm done." But it's not that at all. Those simple words mean you are taking away your comfort blanket and are throwing yourself at the world by yourself.
For so long I have learned to numb the pain and disappointment with the aid of a depressant; to hide my true feelings behind a mask that protected me, and now it's like I'm learning to live all over again. Facing the world bare.
It's so hard not to just give in and pick up that bottle when you've been hurt or disappointed, to numb your feelings in order to control your emotions. It's hard and scary trying to face this life, especially when it seems life doesn't want you.
I spent last night tossing and turning, waking up numerous times either from sweats and shakes from withdrawls or a nightmare. I'm still shaking today, my stomach aches, and I get these feelings of such light headedness it almost feels like I'm high again until I come crashing back down.
Migraines, hot, cold, shaking, steady, fine, sick... And it's here you realise that you're angelic bottle suddenly wasn't so nice to you and it'll do anything to torture you to pick it up again.
How do you say keep saying no? How do you live the pain everyday after hiding from it forever? I don't know... I haven't figured it out yet.
But, it's day one...
Current Music: Last Resort - Papa Roach
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Ah, the brutality...
