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KAMPA

Admiral Karl Donuts

Old Post! June 29, 2010 @ 09:16:54 pm
1
There once was a gnome name of Gerald who tired of standing around in Missy's garden. So he filled a kerchief with all of his belongings,and placed it on a longish stick! He started walking, thinking he would go to hollywood and get into the movies! Gerald had an inflated sense of his selfworth as an actor. This was Missy's fault,she had constantly told Gerald how very clever he was for reciting lines from Shakespeare. So off went little Gerald the Gnome, he started walking then he began trying to thumb a ride,but he was so short no one could see him along the roadside. Finally Gerald came to some railroad tracks,it occured to him that he might ride the rails. With much dificulty he climbed aboard a train,and entered a boxcar. To Gerald's astonishment the boxcar was filled with other Gnomes,all with bindles on sticks.
The train finally arrived in Liverpool where all of the Gnomes climbed out of the boxcar! Gerald found a ship going to the USA so he decided he should stowaway. The first people that he met were a pack of rats. Gerald was able to befriend one of the rats,named Reginald. So off they steamed to New York! Reginald Rat was an expert at finding food,so Gerald ate better than he ever had at Missy's!
Gerald and Reginald became very close friends,Reginald stated he would love to go to Hollywood with Gerald. So Gerald Gnome and Reginald Rat hid in the luggage compartment of a Greyhound bus. Being tiny they were both very comfortable within the luggage compartment. Reginald Gnawed his way into a ladies valise which contained very nice lingerie, where they were very, very comfortable. Reginald smelled out food in the luggage compartment,so they wanted for nothing the entire journey. At last the bus arrived in Los Angeles and the pair disembarked. Immediately Gerald started out for the movie studios.
Arriving at MGM Gerald was able to sneak right in to the studio,being so tiny and all! They were shooting a remake of the Wizard of Oz,this seemed perfect,so they made a beeline to the office of the studio's head honcho. "Mr Honcho." Said Gerald, "I am a Gnome, come all the way from UK and this is my mate Reginald! Mr Honcho's jaw dropped in astonishment,"I want to sign you to play in Wizard,and I will give you a three picture contract!" "I would like to have you meet someone!" Mr Honcho spoke into the intercom on his desk. "Julie send in the munchkin!" In walked a beautiful little munchkin girl. "Katie I would like to have you meet Gerald Gnome from the UK,just like you." Gerald began to stammer horribly. "GGGGLAD TTTO MMMMEET YOU KKKATIE!"
Gerald fell in love immediately, he couldn't help it he was born in October. Shaking himself to get rid of the stammers,
Gerald was able to compose himself. "Katie could I take you out for dinner?" turning her back and poiting her shapely nose at the ceiling,Katie said. "Are you joking?"" I would never go out with a Gnome as short as you are!" Crestfallen poor little Gerald stared at the floor and left the room. But Gerald could not rid his mind of the image of the beautiful munchkin,Gerald arrived at the hotel room, Mr. Honcho had reserved for him. Gerald tried to sleep but he could not get that munchkin's face out of his mind. Next morning with no sleep Gerald trudged to MGM to begin shooting, more depressed than he had ever been in his life. Mr.Honcho asked Gerald if there was something wrong. "Yes!" Said Gerald. And began to tell Mr.Honcho how his heart had been broken!
Page1The day's shooting was about to begin,and in walked Katie the Munchkin,looking more beautiful than even he remembered. She walked right up to Gerald and spoke."I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings yesterday, we can be friends BUT THAT'S ALL!" Gerald devastated again said. But friends can go to dinner together,can't they?" "NO!" Katie loudly said.
Reginald Rat did not get hired for the Wizard of Oz. So even though he came to the studio with Gerald,Reginald spent his days in the cattering caravan,eating all of the delicious foods he could find. This as you can well imagine was making Reginald gain a prodigious lot of weight. So much weight that he had to discard all of his trousers and belts,and buy all new!
Reginald made friends with a garbage can diving girl rat named Ramona,she wasn't much to look at but she was very nice. Ramona would help Reginald to steal bits of food from the cattering caravan,she would pack these up as ratty bags for Reginald to carry home to Gerald. Most nights Gerald would have already eaten at the studio. So in order not to waste, Ramona would help Reginald to steal bits of food from the cattering caravan,she would pack these up as ratty bags for Reginald to carry home. this was perfectly good food,(rats can be very frugal) Reginald would eat it himself. This added greatly to Reginalds weight problem!
Reginald was becoming so fat that he could no longer walk in rat fashion but rather waddled a bit like a duck. And forget about Reginald running away when the lights were turned on. Soon Reginald would become bed ridden,and not move at all,but it would not curb his ravenous appetite.Gerald begged his friend to not eat so much,even Ramona came to ask Reginald to try to curb his appetite. None of that had any affect on the poor morbidly obese rodent. His glutony continued unabated,until one day his heart stopped! Gerald and Ramona blamed themselves for not being able to help their best friend. Gerald cried for days and days. Reginald's funeral was held on a Friday,as most funerals are. Many people were in attendance, Gerald, Ramona Rat,Mr.Honcho and even Katie Munchkin were there.
Ramona Said to Gerald that she would talk to Katie,to see if she could get her to be less inflexible in rejecting Gerald's friendliness overtures. But she came back in only a minute,and she had a large kink in her tail. "What happened?" Asked the gnome. "You don't want to know!" Replied Ramona. With the funeral over Mr. Honcho suggested they all go to Spago for breakfast. At the restaurant,Gerald tried to sit next to Katie,but she moved every time. Finally little Gerald gave up!
Gerald thought. "Why is love such a difficult taskmaster?"
A phrase that he had read somewhere! But Ramona was a loyal caring friend,so Gerald said to her, that he was thinking of going to the north pole,to mend his broken heart. "I can go with you Gerry!" Ramona had taken to reffering to the gnome in this way! Secretly Gerald filled his kercheif with his belongings,found a longish stick,and he and Ramona Rat set out for the far north.

Trudging through the ice and snow and shivering the pair came upon a gingerbread house,with coils of smoke coming from the chimney. Ramona immediately began nibbling on the gingerbread walls. But Gerald's appetite had still not returned. Love can affect a gnome this way! Gerald knocked on the gingerbread door of the cottage,hoping to get warm.
The door opened and the biggest gnome Gerald had ever seen answered. "Come in,HO HO HO!" Said the giant gnome,in an extremely deep voice for a gnome. "I'm Santy Claus,and this is my workshop!" "And these elves are my helpers." Finally Gerald was seeing people who were smaller than himself!
Santy Claus offered Gerald a cup of hot mulled wine. Gerald thanked the gigantic gnome and drank eagerly. As usual warm wine went to his head right away, and Gerald began relating his sad, sad story of unrequited love to any elf who would stop and listen. Santy Claus overheard this tale,and struck Katie Munchkin's name off his list of toy recipients.Meanwhile back in Hollywood the movie production was nearing completion. Mr Honcho threw the most elaborate wrap party in the history of film. The attendees were a veritable who's who of the industry! Everyone from the production attended,except for Gerald Gnome. Mr.Honcho showing concern inquired of Gerald's whereabouts! Someone explained to Mr. Honcho how Gerald had fallen for the flinty hearted munchkin Katie. And about Gerald's heartbreak, and journey of forgetfulness to the Arctic!
This was extremely bad news to Mr. Honcho, Gerald had signed contracts for two more pictures. And these pictures were about to go into production. Mr. Honcho was upset that Gerald the star of the upcomming movie was unavailable for the start of shooting! "We will just have to shoot around him for a while!" Thought Honcho who's given name was unknown to everyone at the studio,and all were afraid to ask!
Mr. Honcho was determined to find Gerald no matter the cost! His private 747 took off, right after the wrap party ended! Flying north Mr. Honcho saw a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer, going past,and who should be in the sleigh noneother than Gerald Gnome,whom Santy Claus had taken along to be his helper. Mr. Honcho leapt from his seat and ordered the pilot to turn around. "Follow that sled!" Exclaimed the most powerful man in Hollywood.
Santy Claus reined in his reindeer and landed on the roof of an Alaskan house(Not Sarah Palin's) and had Gerald unload presents for the girls and boys within! The Sack was heavy laden with toys,because these children had been very good throughout the year. Santy Claus then tried to squeeze himself down the chimney! With much grunting and groaning and wheezing, Santy Claus descended to the fire place. The red outfit Santy Claus wears is fire proof.
Mr. Honcho's 747 landed in the snow outside the house Santy Claus was in, eating cookies and drinking a very large glass of moose milk! Mr.Honcho leapt from the plane and began shouting up to Gerald,to please come back to Hollywood! Gerald pretended not to hear until Mr. Honcho mentioned that the film would contain many love scenes between Gerald and Katie Munchkin!
Gerald assured Mr. Honcho he would return soon after he finished helping Santy Claus!
Santy Claus left the chimney and the sleigh took off again.
This time they turned left and flew to UK,passing right over Katie Munchkins home,and on toward Missy's place.
Gerald loaded the sack again with many good things to eat and toys for the good children that Missy knew! While the long belted immense gnome, Santy Claus was struggling to go via the chimney,Gerald entered through the door.Missy was so thrilled to see little Gerald she almost suffocated him with hugs and kisses. When Gerald finally broke free, he explained that it would be some time before he could return, for he was a movie star now,and must return to Hollywood!
Missy became sad and tearful, for she loved this sawed off little person! Finally recovering her composure, Missy said she understood and that all she ever wanted for Gerald or any other of her many gnomes was to be happy!
Gerald and Santy Claus reentered the sleigh,and flew off to make more toy deliveries. Finally this was completed and the sleigh began its return flight to the north pole.
Page 3After a wonderful meal of gingerbread and eggnog,Gerald and Ramona climbed aboard Mr. Honcho's 747. Mr. Honcho had returned to Hollywood and instructed the pilot to return and wait for Gerald and Ramona! On arrival in L.A.X. Gerald and Ramona disembarked amidst throngs of reporters, photographers and papparazi. All clammoring to have Gerald answer questions about his meteoric rise in the film industry. Gerald was dumbfounded,he had no idea he had become such a popular star!
Gerald returned to MGM, When he arrived, he learned that, when Katie Munchkin heard she would be required to do love scenes with Gerald,she stamped her feet,(in a petulant manner)and stormed off, out of the studio!
Katie Munchkin had returned to Britain,she was filled with revulsion at the thought that she would have had to kiss that nasty little old gnome Gerald! Gnomes can live for centuries,and Gerald was one of the oldest of the gnome species. His longevity had given him wisdom,and perspicacity,beyond that of the younger gnomes.
While Katie Munchkin was pondering,she began thinking of all the money she could have earned if she had not become phobic at the thought of kissing a gnome. So she went to Missy's place to see if she could find out how she could keep her lunch down if she should kiss Gerald.
Missy explained, what a wonderful kind and considerate gnome Gerald is. She also told Katie Munchkin that far from being nauseating, kissing gnomes was a great pleasure!
Of course Katie didn't believe a word of it,and had an attitude about it similar to her attitude on global warming. But she was losing a great deal of money by this recalcitrance. So at last she said to herself. "I would even kiss a gnome if the price is right!" And Mr. Honcho had offered her a great deal of cash!
The first day of rehearsal began and everyone was on the sound stage. Mr.Honcho had acquired the services of Simon Bolivar Beagle,known as an actress' director Beagle's resume was impressive, having directed such films as 25 SISTERS, MAUD MUDD,and WHAT SHOULD I TELL MY HUSBAND?,these films had been box office gold! Mr.Honcho thought Beagle's soothing manner with actresses would help with the tempramental female lead Katie Munchkin. And Miss Munchkin seemed to like Beagle.
To Miss Munchkin's horror the first scene was to be a love scene between she and Gerald Gnome. A chair was placed for Gerald to stand upon. Gnomes are considerably shorter than munchkins,you see! One of the prop men picked Gerald up and stood him on the chair seat. S.B.Beagle gave instructions to Miss Munchkin, telling her she should stand close to Gerald and kiss him on the lips. She did as she was told to a certain extent, but before their lips met she shouted,"NO TONGUES!".
CUT! Shouted Beagle, forgetting cameras were not rolling yet. While Beagle stood close to Katie giving her instruction in soothing tones. Gerald was looking into Katie's incredibly gemlike, aquamarine eyes. They are hypnotising,believe me! When Beagle finished with Katie's instructions,he turned to Gerald and said. "Please Gerald no tongue!" To which Gerald replied. "I wasn't S.B.!"
Action! Said S.B.. The kiss was consumated,Miss Munchkin's shapely lips were so soft and her breath so fragrant that Gerald fell right off the chair.
"Are you alright Gerald?" Asked Beagle. "Yes fine!" Came the reply. But all was not fine with Katie she had begun to gag a little at the thought of having to kiss Gerald again. And Gerald was so affected by the kiss he could barely speak his lines at all. In the end they both were able to overcome their respective difficulties.
After a few more practice kisses,they broke for lunch. Gerald going to sit under a tree with Ramona Rat,who had packed a sack lunch for Gerald and herself. "How did it go?" Ramona Rat asked. Gerald began to look all dreamy eyed and said. "It was wonderful!"
"Sometimes the anticipation is better than the actual kiss,but not so this time." Gerald wandered back into the soundstage with an idiotic expression on his face. When Beagle saw Gerald's expression, he decided. "That's all for today people!" "We begin shooting tomorrow!"
Page 4The filming ended on time and under budget! Another Gala wrap party was planned for the cast and crew by Mr.Honcho.
At this party Katie Munchkin avoided Gerald and became very intoxicated on the Champagne provided by Honcho! While she was drunk she began saying in loud tones how creepy she thought the little perv Gnome Gerald is! Of course Gerald overheard everything she said, and was devastated once more!
But by this time Gerald was immune to Katie Munchkin's hurtful comments. He knew he would love her no matter how mean she was. So Gerald tried to enjoy the party as much as he could. Gerald was not drinking at all he thought that would be best,since the time at Santy Claus' house at the North Pole, where he spilled his guts to the elves!
Gerald wondered where Katie Munchkin had disapeared to. Then he saw her in the bathroom with her head in the toilet!
He rushed in to give assistence,he startled her and she vomitted all over Gerald! Undeterred Gerald continued to try to help the beautiful Miss Munchkin! So he got a big person to pick her up from the floor,and put her in the back seat of Mr.Honcho's Limo!
" I'm pissed as a newt!" The lovely munchkin said! "Yes!" Replied Gerald! "What are you doing here?" Not realising where she was! Gerald instructed the Chauffeur to drive Miss Munchkin to her Malbu home. And exited the Limo.
Gerald of course being covered in vomit,needed to return home as well. So he walked, so as not to soil anyones uppholstery!
Arriving home Ramona Rat met him at the door. She insisted he go out, and that she would hose him down! With that accomplished Gerald retired for the night. Ramona stayed up and watched television. Gerald fell asleep right away,but did not dream. In the morning Gerald ate a light breakfast of Lucky Charms Cereal! And headed for the studio. When he arrived,it seemed everyone was asking about Katie's whereabouts. So Gerald told how he had people put Katie in the back of Mr. Honcho's limo.
Finally as they were talking Miss Munchkin entered shakily,wearing dark glasses. She removed the glasses and her eyes were bright red,which clashed with her aquamarine pupils,in short she was a wreck! When she spoke she made no sense,obviously suffering with a major hangover. When Mr. Honcho said the next scene would require more kissing,Katie began dry heaving!
We will need to shoot around Miss Munchkin! An inauspicious begining to Gerald's third film titled A GNOME IN THE WILDERNESS. Paterned after the Tarzan films of long ago!
S.B.Beagle called a gopher over and told him,to take Miss Munchkin in a golf cart to the infirmary, and have the Nurse give her oxygen and an injection of vitamin B12.
"Yes sir!" Said Bob the gopher! When Bob returned with Miss Munchkin,she seemed almost normal.
Recomencing the scene the dry heaves had vanished! And Miss Munchkin was able to kiss Gerald. "Katie could you do it with a little more feeling?" She put as much fake passion in it as she could muster.
Which was not much but it was enough to cause Gerald to fall off the chair once again!
Bob the gopher picked Gerald up and replaced him on the chair. But Gerald's knees,were still shaky!
It was now that Gerald's stunt double appeared! He was a former baseball player from the Gnome league NY Yankees.
His name was Jock! Gerald took an instant disliking to Jock! Jock seemed to be arrogant,rude and dismissive of Gerald. All very ungnomelike qualities! But Gerald forced himself to be polite,and welcomed Jock to the production!
Immediately Jock began trying to hit on Katie! This made Gerald extremely jealous,and secretly furious.
Simon Bolivar Beagle took Gerald aside and told him that if he did not stop falling off the chair,Beagle would have no choice but to substitute Jock for Gerald in the scenes that required kissing!
Gerald was mortified, he could not allow that to happen!
He did not want Jock's lips anywhere near his beloved,Miss Munchkin!
When production broke for the day,Gerald was extremely depressed. Miss Munchkin had implied she could possibly be amenable to love scenes with the younger Gnome Jock!
Poor Gerald was ready now to leave LA and go back to UK and Missy's back garden. So Gerald got his passport and all of his belongings together, put them into a kerchief,found another longish stick and began walking to LAX!
Finally arriving at LAX Gerald boarded a plane to NYC.
From there he took another flight to UK.
Arriving in UK Gerald went straight to Missy's house and knocked on her door. Missy was overjoyed at the sight of ikkle Gerald,she brought him inside and gave him red current scones and tea,of course the teapot was too large and heavy for Gerald to lift, so Missy played Mother!
After tea Missy gave Gerald a big hug and set him in his regular place in the back garden! "It is so good to be home again!" Gerald said to Missy. "And I am happy to have you home again, Ikkle Gerald!"
The next day as Gerald was peacfuly relaxing in Missy's back garden, when who should arrive,but Mr.Honcho,S.B.Beagle and Katie Munchkin! Mr.Honcho got down on his knees and begged Gerald to come back and finish the film. At first Gerald refused, but then Mr. Honcho said he had fired Jock and hired Danny De Vito to be Gerald's stunt double,explaining that even though Mr.De Vito was much taller than Gerald, Mr. Beagle could fix it in post production. That was good news to Gerald,but still not enough to coax him back! Mr.Honcho then offered to double Gerald's salary. "Well I don't know!" Then Katie said. "Please come back,Gerald." Then she said. "I am sorry for hurting you!"
Gerald did not put much stock in Katie's appology, but it was nice to hear at any rate.
So Gerald said. "OK!"
Back again in la la land,everyone was quite relieved to learn there were no more love scenes. Miss Munchkin seemed to be the most relieved,and her mood could almost be described as sparkly.
Gerald had to wrestle many cyber lions,gorillas etc. Mr. De Vito swung on vines,and everything seemed to be going according schedule. But there was a small earthquake that damaged the set,Mr. Beagle released the cast until repairs could be made. Gerald went to the beach with Ramona Rat,with a nice picnic lunch Ramona had packed for them.
While Gerald relaxed looking at the many nubile female bikini clad forms about him. Ramona returned from the snack stand with beers for Gerald and herself. Ramona offered Gerald his beer! "Here's a beer for you Gerry!"
Said Ramona. "Thanks Ramona,it is very hot today,I can use a cold one!" "You're welcome." A twelve ounce bottle of beer is a great deal of intoxicant,for someone of Gerald's stature. Or lack of same.



It was not long before Gerald began slurring his speech,giggling and talking nonsense. It was just then, when who should come walking down the beach but noneother than Katie Munchkin. Looking fabulous in her bikini,with a sarong jauntily slung from her hips. She spoke to Ramona first,saying. "Hello Ramona how are you today?" "Terrific!" Replied the rat. "It is a beautiful day." "Isn't it?" "Yes it is." Said Katie!
The by now drunk Gerald began by telling Katie how beautiful she looked today." Simply saying. "Thank you!"
Katie turned and left. Gerald's mouth was still open in preperation to speak more flattering words. But she was gone.
Gerald began crying after Katie's brusque greeting, Gerald has a tendency to become maudlin when he drinks beer! Ramona said to Gerald. "We should go now!" "I know what we can do, let's go see a movie!" "Can we see one starring Katie Munchkin?" Inquired the Gnome.
"I don't think that would be a good idea!" Answered Ramona.
After a splendid day at the strand and the cinema, Gerald returned home just in time to hear the telephone ringing.
"Hello" Said Gerald. It was S.B. and he told Gerald to report to the studio tomorrow. "OK!" Said the star of Gnome in the Wilderness.
This was to be the last day of shooting for GNOME IN THE WILDERNESS, all went smoothly! And Simon Bolivar Beagle said. "That's a wrap people!" Shortly thereafter the world premier was held, Gerald put on his tailored evening clothes, kissed Ramona on the cheek,and climbed into an elegant black limo. When he arrived at the theater where the premier was to be held,the driver put Gerald in a wheel chair,so he would'nt be trodden upon and wheeled him into the theater,where a specially built seat had been constructed for him,allowing to sit high enough to see the stage.
After the film had finished and the thunderous applause had stopped, Mr. Honcho came on to the stage and asked the two stars to stand, which of course they did. And there was much more thunderous applause. Gerald did a little bow,Katie smiled sweetly and waved her hand,turning in both directions. More thunderous applause! Mr.Honcho asked if they both would say a little something to the audience,which was made up of the creme de la creme of the international film industry. Gerald spoke first,he thanked everyone involved with the production,but especially his co-star Miss Katie Munchkin,he went on to say that had it not been for Miss Munchkin this film would not have happened. Miss Munchkin stood and thanked the audience for their appreciation of her work,and everyone involved in the filming,but never mentioned Gerald at all!
The Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences nominated GNOME IN THE WILDERNESS as best picture,and each of it's stars in the cattegories of Best Performance by a Gnome,and Best Performance by a Munchkin, respectively. It was practically a shoe in for both of them,since they were the only nominees in these cattegories.
Geralds birthday was upcoming,and Mr.Honcho arranged for a lavish birthday banquet for Gerald. At this gala Gerald announced he was taking a sabatical from film, and was travelling to Brussels Belgium his birthplace 500years ago,in fact the birthplace of all Gnomes! Then he would return to Missy's back garden for some R&R(rest and recuperation)!
Having visited his birthplace,Gerald decided to turn his sabatical into retirement from film. He went to Missy's back garden,sat in his usual place,and relaxed for the rest of his life!
END

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