Behold!!! The lolcat version of the Bible!!! This is very funny.
Genesis 1
Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs
1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1
6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.
9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.
11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.
14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.
20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.
24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.
26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.
27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.
28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.
29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.
31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.
Genesis 2
1 An teh skyz an teh Urfs wur finishd, an al teh stufz in dem, an Ceiling Cat was liek al tired an stuf. 2 An on teh 7f day Ceiling Cat got dun makingks al dat stuf; an he restd on teh 7f day cuz he wuz pooped fum al dat wrking an not liek havng imself ulone. An he not get payd ovrtym eiver.3 Ceiling Cat blesd teh 7f day, an sed itz teh h0liez0rz; cuz dats when he restd fum all his werk wich Ceiling Cat creatd an maed. Yay holy Caturday!
[edit] Adam An Eve
4 Iz how teh skyz an Urfs wur maed, wen Ceiling Cat pwnt.
5 Urfs no can has plantz n treez n catnipz n stuff yet, cuz Ceiling Cat no can maek rainz, but iz ok for kittehs DUNT LYKEZ wetfurz. An ther wuznt ne man to mek farmz n stuf; cuz teh clowds wur al happie an dint feel liek cryin, wich wuz ok to cuz umbrellaz wuznt inventd yet.
Ceiling Cat makez teh rain, but it waz bad idea.
Ceiling Cat makez teh rain, but it waz bad idea.
6 But teh fogz caem in liek in Frisco an waterd teh grownd so teh plantz wud be ok wen Ceiling Cat madez dem.7 An Ceiling Cat madez kitteh owt ov teh flore dust, an breathd intew his nawstrils teh bref uv life, wich wuz sorta liek doin cpr on a mudpy, but it wuz al gud.
8 An Ceiling Cat plantz gardun eastwad, in eden; an ther he put teh kitteh he madez. (i dono hows he figurd out it wuz east, cuz ther wuznt no cumpasez yet an no mapz eether.)9 An Ceiling Cat madez evry tre dat iz prity, an gud fur fud; teh tre ov lief wuz in teh gardun to, an teh tre ov teh nawlej ov gud an evul n stuff. man askd Ceiling Cat to makez a kooki tree, an Ceiling Cat madze it. but he eated it. (no 1 had thot of cheezburgr tre yet.)
10 An a big rivr went owt ov eden to watr teh gardun; an zen it splitzd up ntew 4 rivrz wth srsly weerd namez.11 Teh naem ov teh 1th iz pishon (did u sneez? blez u! ): dat wun runz arownd teh hol land ov havilah wich haz a lot ov gold cheezburgerz;12 An teh gold cheezbugerz ov dat land iz gud (but u cant eatz it): ther iz bdellium an teh onyx stone. (but u cant eatz dat eiver. An wut teh hek is bdellium?)13 An teh naem ov teh 2th rivr iz gihon: dat wun runz arownd teh hol land ov cush wich is vry comfy plaec.14 An teh naem ov teh 3th rivr iz hiddekel: dat wun runz n frunt ov asyria. An teh 4f rivr iz teh euphrateez (ware teh ppl acused eech oter ov "yu afraed ov tese?".)
15 An Ceiling Cat tuk teh man, an put im ntew teh gardun ov eden tew takez cares ovs it cuz Ceiling Cat wuz stil poopd and wantedz anotr day off.16 An Ceiling Cat sed to teh man, ov evury tre in teh gardin iz ok u eatz:17 But of teh tre of teh nawlej of gud an evl n stuff, you not eatz cuz wen u eatz taht tre i fur sure mek u ded. Srsly. kthxbye.
18 An Ceiling Cat sed, teh man is alown an dat iz bad; he needz frendz so i wil maek him a gud help fo him. (i iz gud at stuf liek taht. srsly. An it will keepz him outta trubbel.)
19 An owt ov teh grownd Ceiling Cat madez al teh aminals on teh urfs an in teh see, an al teh burdz up in sky (an sum liek ostrijes who cudnt flyz, just fur fun). (Ceiling Cat is raely good at makingz mud pies. srsly.) An brot them untew teh man to c what he wud cal tehm: an wut teh man caled evry living aminal, dat wuz its naim. (if they didnt like it, tuff tamales, they wuz stuck wif it.)
20 An teh man gave namez to al teh aminals, an to teh burdies of sky (an to teh onez who cudnt flyz) an teh aminals in teh see, (so vey wudnt feel levt out), an to evry aminal in teh feeld (an in da hows, like kittehs); but fer man wuznt no gud helpr fo him, not evun anyonez to tak to in chatroom.21 An Ceiling Cat caused a deep sleep to fal upawn teh man, an he sleeped; an he tuk one of his ribs, cuz it has a flavr. 22 An Ceiling Cat can haz teh rib frum man maded into wimman, but did not eated it cuz he brot her to teh man. He sai O hai, I maded u a man but wifout long hare. Hav fun, kthxbai. 23 Teh man saiz,
"Dese bonez iz mai bonez
an dis meatz r mai meatz;
I calz her "whoa man", k
cuz she wuz in ur chest taken ur ribs. Srsly"
24 So man muv out da baesment an lives wif da womenz, an be all u can puts your toofbrush nexta mine an I no eats you.
an da manz sez orly
da womenz sez ya rly
an da manz sez no wai
an da womenz sez wai
25 and teh man and teh woman weared invisible close!
Genesis 3
Bad Kittehs
1 Nao teh snakez wuz mor shneakay den any beest ov teh field (or hows) which Ceiling Cat had maded. An he meowed unto teh woah man kitteh, liek I herd that Ceiling Cat said, u shall not eated frum any tree ov teh garden? Even dem trees on dat plate?
2 An teh woman said unto teh snakez, i can haz froot ov teh garden!3 but ov teh fruit ov teh tree which iz in teh midel ov teh garden, Ceiling Cat sez, dun eatz it cuz if u eatz it he mek u ded.
4 An teh snakez sed unto teh womenz, he no mek u ded:5 4 Ceiling Cat noes dat, teh dai u eat dat froot, den u gon b able to c, An u be liek Ceiling Cat, knowin gud An evil an stuf. An dis froot, it has a flavr, srsly, liek cheezburgerz!
6 An when teh woman saw dat teh tree wuz gud 4 fud with flavr an everything, An dat it wuz cool 2 teh eyez, An dat teh tree wuz 2 b desird 2 make man wise, she nom nom nom its froot; An she gaev sum 2 Adam, An he eated da froot (An srsly it was teh best, teh no liin abowt da taist).7 An teh eyez ov them both were opend, An they knew dat theyz were showin teh nakedz An stuff cuz Ceiling Cat didnt gaev dem no furz liek teh aminals; An they sewd sum fig-leavez togethr, An made themselvez clofs. Eve even maed firs thong but was vry vry ichy. srsly.
8 An they heard teh meowz ov Ceiling Cat walkin throu teh garden in teh kewl ov teh dai: An teh man An his wife hided themselvez fum Ceiling Cat amongst teh treez ov teh garden.9 An Ceiling Cat calld unto teh man, An meowed unto him, "wuzzat? wut u just NOM NOM NOMd? It srsly gud?"
10 An he said, i heard yo voice in teh garden, An i wuz scareded, because i wuz NOMin An stuff; An i hided and did not want 4 u to see meh NOMin kthx.
11 An he said, hoo told u dat u was ta NOM teh holy fud? I waz injoyin watchin you be not NOMin. Did youz eated ov teh tree, dat I told u dat iz not ok u eatz ov?
12 An teh man said, teh woman u gave me saw teh tree An told 'bout it to me. At first I was liek "Noes!" but then, I was layk NOM NOM NOM. srsly.
13 An Ceiling Cat said unto teh woman, wat did u dun? An teh woman said, teh snakez playdid dirty trick on me, An i eated it. It taysts gud, but that not poynt.
No srsly.
No srsly.
14 An Ceiling Cat sed unto teh snakez, "cuz u did dis,
cursd u aboov all teh moocows,
An aboov every one of those 4 leggd things that sumwun maked round here;
upon ur belly u gun walk An I gun take ur legs
An geev them to teh French 2 eatz An this is wut they gun eatz An they gun call it "Frawgs leegz",
An dust shalt u NOMin. srsly
all teh dais ov ur life
An u no getz no cookies to eated. An no cheezburgers neither. Srsly.
15 An im gonna put liek badnis An stuff
tween u An teh woman,
An tween yr seedz An her seedz;
he shall broose ur head,
An u gun broose his heel.
16 Unto teh woman he said,
"im gun make ure babiez hurt alot An cause pain An hurtynis An stuff;
in pain u gun brin forth childrenz.
An ur badnes shall b 2 ur husband,
An he gun pwn u and ask for beers and sammiches."
17 An unto adam he said, because u hast listend to her An hast eated teh tree wut i tellz u U NO NOMZ!
"cursd iz teh grownd cuz of u
An u is b wrkin ur buttz off ur hol life
An makin cheezburgers will be vry hard now
srsly.
18 thorns also An thistlez gun it brin forth 2 u;
An u gun eat teh herb ov teh field dat u wrkd ure butt off fur. (but all teh good weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz is b illegalz An stuff lol);
19 in teh sweatz ov ur face
u gun eat bread An u no can has cheezburgerz n Gatorade,
till u return unto teh ground like when poopz r buried in litterz,
4 out ov it wast thou taken;
4 dust u r,
An dust u gun return."
20 An teh man calld his womenz name eve; cuz she was teh mothr of all livn' and cuz if he nameded her bertha he woulda benn lold at all da tyme
21 An Ceiling Cat maded 4 adam An 4 his wife coats ov skeens, An clothid 'em.22 An Ceiling Cat said, behold, teh man iz become as 1 ov us , 2 knoe gud An evil; An nao, lest he put forth his hand, An taek teh cheezburgerz ov teh tree ov life, An eat, An liv 4 evr mor.23 Ther4 Ceiling Cat sent him forth fum teh garden ov eden, 2 till teh grawnd fum where he wuz took. An it suxxd cuz ther wasnt no uniteded farmwrkar union.24 So he pwnzordz teh man; An he placeded at teh east ov teh garden ov eden teh cherubim An stuff, An teh flaming (lol) sword which turned everywherez (an if yu evar caem up 2 teh sword den it wuld flaem u on teh intarwebs an u wuldnt git no cookies or cheezburgerz eithr, srsly).
May 28, 2009 @ 03:54:52
