its time to attack back!

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you? made the chain too long.

A man is driving along in his car when he suddenly gets pulled over by the police, the man pokes his head out of the window and says "what seems to be the problem officer?" the cop looks bluntly at him and says "are you aware that a woman fell out of your car about 2 minutes ago?" the man let out a sigh "thank f*** for that i thought i had gone deaf!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
(Adam Ferrara)

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

If your dog is barking at the back door and Danielle Cardella is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the crap out of you.

Woman inspires us to great things...and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
You hit her.

Wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's rights.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let the b**** cook in the dark!

Women are cute and cuddly - every man should own one.

How are women and high school phone policies similar?
Because they can be seen but not heard

Why do women live longer than men?
Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.

Just you wait til I get some ammunition

look hun someones gotta fight back


but its all jokes

Your treading on dangerous ground with those jokes - and you want a women???????

i didnt write em



you ladies know i dont mean it

REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A WOMAN

1. Free drinks.

2. Free dinners.

3. Free movies.

4. Speeding ticket? What's that?

5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

6. If you have to be home in time for Eastenders, you can say so, out loud.

7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

8. You can sleep your way to the top.

9. You can sue the Boss for sexual harassment.

10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

12. Vin Diesel.

13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

17. You have the ability to dress yourself.

18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.

21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

23. You've never had a goatee.

24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.

25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

kudos to both max and dragonlover.

Cheers for that..I think he may be off getting more ammo though

women are like cartons of OJ

pull back the flaps and release the juice

Thats disgusting babe.

LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY

1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.

5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.

14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Also, just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy

that's disgusting! and not all women are capable of that

women only have breasts to make us suckers

Your slacking babe
Only one at a time??


FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened