Verbal abuse and Emotional Manipulation

@Mysteria Said

This is a person who lost thousands of dollars trading commodities. I lost a few hundred dollars at a casino. The reason I went to have a talk with him is because I realized I had a problem. I was considering rehab for compulsive behavior. What I did was wrong, but there are millions of people who gamble. I'm not sure that has anything to do with common sense and/or weakness. Some people are NOT compulsive gamblers.

My mother made a comment about this woman gambling because she has Bipolar Disorder. They go to the same church. I hardly think everyone who gambles has a mental disorder.

With that said, I still don't think I deserved to be kicked when I was down. He admitted to losing all that money himself!

@someone_else Said

Yeah...that sounds definitely out of place and completely uncalled for.

I was trying to think of an example in my post before and I just now thought of one. My husband was trying to change the spark plugs in our Kia. He couldn't exactly figure out where under the engine shroud the spark plugs would be. It's not obvious and we didn't have a repair manual.

So, he called the dealership and talked to one of the techs there who said "If you don't know anything about engines, you probably shouldn't be doing that. " Really? Seriously? So, because I don't want to rip apart my entire engine looking for something that I can easily do, you're going to tell me not to even try?

Needless to say, my husband was pretty mad and spoke to the supervisor on the sales floor. That guy was not happy with the mechanic and found out the info we needed.

Now, on a slightly different note...I once tried to fix some plumbing and actually made the problem worse. My husband was a little irritated that I'd tried to fix it when I knew nothing about plumbing. So, he hurt my feelings when we talked about it initially...more because he was exasperated. In the end, he just very nicely said, "Please don't do anything with plumbing anymore. If you make a little mistake it could really mess things up and make it a lot harder to fix. Please."

So I don't mess with plumbing. But he didn't call me an idiot over it.

@Oisin Said

whoever you are listening to sounds like a d***. anyone who sets out to belittle another isn't worth listening to. jesus, if i listened to my parents i'd probably have crawled into a box and slept since i was 17.

@Mysteria Said

I've decided to move out. Unfortunately, my insurance won't cover the cost of professional therapy so I'm going to have to rely on self-help books, God, and myself. It's obvious that I'm the only one who can change what's going on. It's heartbreaking, but I'll get past that, I think. The persons who are manipulating me either don't know they're doing it or they're aware of it and won't admit it. They've repeatedly refused to budge. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically broken down.

@boxerdc Said

Check with your county.. Most places, even the tiny rural ones now have free or sliding scale counseling for people who are going through what you have..

You're doing the right thing by removing yourself from the situation, and having a professional available to talk with will go along way toward making yourself whole again..

Good luck.. You can always vent on me in PM's if you feel the need. I can't offer you any advice, but I can offer a sympathetic ear.

@ADUB1987 Said

Most definitely..

There are creeps out there who are cyber bullying young teenagers.

In some tragic circumstances, these young kids have taken there own life over stupid kids making their life a living hell.

We cannot stop the cyber creeps, but we should stop the younger children from excessive use on computers and internet.

@Mysteria Said

Ah, the block feature is wonderful.

Here is an example of something that was said to me recently when I made a mistake. If you heard this from a parent or someone you adore, would it bother you?

"I just don't understand it, (insert name here). I've always been strong. I get down for a couple of days but I'm not weak. I bounce back pretty quick.

You're plenty smart, but you ain't got any common sense. It's like these educated idiots who've got several college degrees. That old boy I just got off the phone with doesn't know a thing about what he's talkin' about." *laughter*

(He uses lots of slang.)

Then you comment about what your plans are for the future, i.e. studying psychology, for instance, to HELP people. The response is, "You just have a negative attitude ALL the time. That's your problem." (This all sounds negative to me. Correct me if you feel that that is the way any person should be talked to whether they just made a mistake and were upset about it or not.)

You ask, "How is doing something to HELP people considered 'negative'?" followed by, "Your car is too old to drive back and forth and you can't afford the gas."

You say, "Yes, but I can take some of the courses online."

Loved one says, "Well, that might be okay. You just need to go to church."

I don't know why but I found that last statement funny when I typed it. It wasn't funny at the time. I was feeling very bad.

Just reading the conversation doesn't impact me that much. I was in shock after it was over with, though. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

I feel that anyone who resorts to those kind of insults is insecure and is trying to belittle someone in order to maintain control over their life and how they feel about themselves. It might not mean a thing as far as he's concerned. I think some people don't think they're causing harm when they aren't calling someone names and/or yelling. How can you tell someone you love them and then say they're weak, negative, and have no common sense? Who needs to hear those things? Really?

@Mysteria Said

He's fed up with me and my compulsive behavior. I'm 43 years old, though, and talking to me that way solves nothing. It actually makes me worse because I feel even more ashamed and worthless. I then find something else to overindulge in. This behavior is self-destructive and not easy for me to deal with. I can only imagine how maddening it is for others, especially my parents.

I have 3 choices: Rehab, university, or a job (which I'm hoping I'll get at the end of this week (that would give me something else to focus on and I could start saving for rainy days, including finishing my education))

You see, I don't think they want me to be independent. (I took off work due to depression, migraines, and anxiety.) They've been telling me, "You can't do that." for years. I've finally started to believe I CAN do it. There have been fights over my bringing up getting a job and going back to school. It shouldn't be that way.

They want to know every detail about my life. Who am I buying lingerie for? Did I call him/her or did he/she call me?

My house is "filthy", in their opinion. The fact that I'm a night person bothers them. I am different and that drives them batty. Nothing I do is ever right.

@Electric_Banana Said

That doesn't sound abusive, that sounds Conservative.

But I guess it must be difficult if you're in an situation where you depend on that person for something.

@GSnap Said

I know it might not be easy to do financially, but Mysteria, it's high time in your life to start surrounding yourself with like minded people. Just reading your posts make me wince because I don't know how you've done it this long. It sounds like this has gone on for a very long time.

I don't know the ties you have to the person(s) in question but even if this is family, no matter, you have every right to remove yourself from this situation.

None of us are without our flaws and demons, etc, but that doesn't mean we should have to be the brunt of someone else's insecurities. All they are doing is kicking you to uplift themselves and that is a very toxic person to be around. Just get out. Don't even bother analyzing anymore if what they do is verbal or emotional abuse, or whatever. It is clear it is bothering you enormously no matter what label you put on it.

@Mysteria Said

It's my parents. My Lord, I don't have a life of my own! Every time something happens, they tell my brothers and their wives, my aunt, everybody they're close to in that small town they live in, and who knows who else? I can't live any of my mistakes down. It never stops.

I know that I am not the ONLY reason we don't get along. You and I have discussed this before. My mother is worse than my dad. I'm tired of trying to have a rational conversation with them.

I called about an apartment. The waiting list isn't long but only one dog is allowed there. I'll just have to wait until I get a job to move.

We aren't speaking at this point and that is fine by me.

Thanks for the kind words.

@Mysteria Said

So you wouldn't mind being called weak, negative ALL the time, and referred to as an educated idiot? It wouldn't bother you for someone to say you have no common sense?

As I said, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm not talking about some stranger on the Internet who doesn't know a thing about me. The man is my father and he should know better.

Be honest with yourself. What if your partner said you are lazy, no good, and/or that you have no ambition, etc.? Would it hurt you?

It is not good to hear so many bad things about ourselves, especially when the person who's saying hurtful things knows that someone already has extremely low self-esteem.

What is verbal abuse, in YOUR opinion, if what I typed is CONSERVATIVE?

@Mysteria Said

It's my parents. My Lord, I don't have a life of my own! Every time something happens, they tell my brothers and their wives, my aunt, everybody they're close to in that small town they live in, and who knows who else? I can't live any of my mistakes down. It never stops.

I know that I am not the ONLY reason we don't get along. You and I have discussed this before. My mother is worse than my dad. I'm tired of trying to have a rational conversation with them.

I called about an apartment. The waiting list isn't long but only one dog is allowed there. I'll just have to wait until I get a job to move.

We aren't speaking at this point and that is fine by me.

Thanks for the kind words.

@Oisin Said

if i were you, i would get in a car and drive. far, long and fast. live your own life, not the life that you think is expected of you.

you realise that you aren't happy, you are an adult. change it up.

i'm not very close to my family, they are spread out throughout the world.

why would you hang around in a place that pisses you off ?

@Mysteria Said

I'm afraid of total isolation. That and being unkind to my parents. I worry about finances. There's a long list of reasons. I'm not able to handle more guilt and I feel guilty for telling my mother it's too late for us to have a relationship. She has high blood pressure. It makes me sad to think I've upset her and possibly made her sick. Perhaps I am weak? I really don't know as I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment. This is my house. I'd rather not have to move but I think it's the only way to make things better.