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She went from 'grandmother' to "mother' one afternoon,,

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iwannano On May 19, 2010
Mountain William


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,
#1New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 08:13:34
I really need some insights and wisdom on how to be a helpful and supportive friend to a friend at a very sad and confusing , heartbreaking time.

I'll start at the beginning of the story.

A friend that I have known since we started the first grade together lost her daughter one afternoon last month when she was killed instantly in an accident leaving 3 children behind . The daughter was divorced so was a single mom. the kids dad is 'around' but has a new woman in his life that is not willing to take the ex wife's 3 kids' to raise. So, grandma who has been living in Florida for the past few years and had come 'home for her daughters funeral has moved into the her daughters home and taken on the responsibility of her grand kids. I am not looking for an answer to my friends problems.
She has called me, at her wits end , she has had to turn her back on her life in Florida , for the moment at least, shes trying to deal with her greif of losing her daughter and help those 3 kids deal with the loss of their mother while the whole time having their dad and his woman acting like it's all settled to everyones joy and convenience .
Even if I wanted to (and I don't) I don't want to become involved with the "family"
issues of ,the dad his new wife and grandma trying to get this situation into a workable conclusion . But when she calls me up at her wits end I would like to be able to show her I care and want to be a friend , because believe me this woman needs to know she has a friend right now . I just sometimes feel like I'm in way over my head. She is looking into finding legal advise on the deal with her grand kids and the dad. And has found a therapist to help the kids though thier dealing with the sudden death of their mom. so it's not like she isn't capable of taking care of what needs to be done. and when the dust settles and she will probably seek therop for herself. But for now it really isn't an option , all her energy and time goes into caring for her grand kids and dealing with thier dad and step mom. My friend says that if needs be , she can work it out to move the kids to Florida and raise them permanent but she would want it set in stone and signed by all involved before she ever packs a box .
I hope I have shown that what I'm, asking for is some others insights and some of you guys have a hell of a lot more clearer thinking then I do when it comes to saying things and looking at things that are important to a situation . IMO. The last time I was talking to my friend she was pretty upset and all I could think was , what I wouldn't give to have treebee and readsalot and a few others here way with words and looking at things so I could help my friend get though this very sad and heartbreaking time. The very last thing she needs is me ranting about what I think of her ex son in law and his new woman ,,,if we didn't have such a long history together , we started 1 st grade in 1966 together, just to show why I am not willing to just blow her off and walk away. We were 'best' friends all Thur school until we got out and about in the world ,, we have kept in touch over the years . not as 'best' friends but I guess you can see where I'm comming from , I hope.
cjm31 On July 05, 2012




Jerusalem, Israel
#2New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 08:43:57
First all what your friend has done is an amazing thing. To take over such a big responsibility is very commendable. You say don't want to become involved so you don't have to many options open to you. Being a good listener can some times be very important, and complement her on the tremendous job she is doing will help build her confidence.
Raising children in a big responsibility of financially draining so she would have to settle all that legally with the father before she can even think of moving.
sunandsurf13 On June 29, 2009

Deleted



Sydney, Australia
#3New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 09:30:13
@iwannano Said

I really need some insights and wisdom on how to be a helpful and supportive friend to a friend at a very sad and confusing , heartbreaking time.

I'll start at the beginning of the story.

A friend that I have known since we started the first grade together lost her daughter one afternoon last month when she was killed instantly in an accident leaving 3 children behind . The daughter was divorced so was a single mom. the kids dad is 'around' but has a new woman in his life that is not willing to take the ex wife's 3 kids' to raise. So, grandma who has been living in Florida for the past few years and had come 'home for her daughters funeral has moved into the her daughters home and taken on the responsibility of her grand kids. I am not looking for an answer to my friends problems.
She has called me, at her wits end , she has had to turn her back on her life in Florida , for the moment at least, shes trying to deal with her greif of losing her daughter and help those 3 kids deal with the loss of their mother while the whole time having their dad and his woman acting like it's all settled to everyones joy and convenience .
Even if I wanted to (and I don't) I don't want to become involved with the "family"
issues of ,the dad his new wife and grandma trying to get this situation into a workable conclusion . But when she calls me up at her wits end I would like to be able to show her I care and want to be a friend , because believe me this woman needs to know she has a friend right now . I just sometimes feel like I'm in way over my head. She is looking into finding legal advise on the deal with her grand kids and the dad. And has found a therapist to help the kids though thier dealing with the sudden death of their mom. so it's not like she isn't capable of taking care of what needs to be done. and when the dust settles and she will probably seek therop for herself. But for now it really isn't an option , all her energy and time goes into caring for her grand kids and dealing with thier dad and step mom. My friend says that if needs be , she can work it out to move the kids to Florida and raise them permanent but she would want it set in stone and signed by all involved before she ever packs a box .
I hope I have shown that what I'm, asking for is some others insights and some of you guys have a hell of a lot more clearer thinking then I do when it comes to saying things and looking at things that are important to a situation . IMO. The last time I was talking to my friend she was pretty upset and all I could think was , what I wouldn't give to have treebee and readsalot and a few others here way with words and looking at things so I could help my friend get though this very sad and heartbreaking time. The very last thing she needs is me ranting about what I think of her ex son in law and his new woman ,,,if we didn't have such a long history together , we started 1 st grade in 1966 together, just to show why I am not willing to just blow her off and walk away. We were 'best' friends all Thur school until we got out and about in the world ,, we have kept in touch over the years . not as 'best' friends but I guess you can see where I'm comming from , I hope.



Your friend certainly does have a lot on her plate - not only has she lost her own daughter, but she is raising 3 children in a home that is not her own, and dealing with their father who I suspect she probably resents a great deal. She's got a lot going on but is also probably feeling quite isolated too.

Don't underestimate yourself as a friend. If she didn't think it would be helpful in any way to call you, she just wouldn't call you. You are already helping a great deal just by listening - by giving her a way to vent and process what has happened out loud. If you have been angry I'm sure you've echoed her thoughts. I'm sure you have been of superb support already.

In terms of your concern for her: it sounds like she has good solid things in place already - she's making sure the kids are okay and the counselling for them is a superb idea. Having protection drawn up legally for her grandchildren is also very smart - I'm not surprised she's doing this at all. Her daughter's death, however unlikely, happened, so she is covering all bases. I would too.

What she probably is struggling with right now is the terrible void that has been created by her daughters death. I assume they were close although you've not mentioned this. Either way your friend will run a whole gamut of emotions - anger, depression, grief, denial, all back and forth for some time to come. At some stage she will even be angry with her deceased daughter, which will not make sense to her and will upset her too. All normal. You should assure her that all her reactions are normal.

As a friend, you should stay in regular contact but also protect yourself. You have your own life and concerns and things you need to look after. It may a good idea to visit at some stage - you can take the kids out or take her out for a lunch. For the moment the best thing you can do is listen when she calls.

Encourage her that she is doing well, that she is coping, and try to keep the conversations positive. Remind her of things she's achieved and gotten through. I found this helpful when I suffered a death in my family this year - my best friend would often remind me of things I'd done and managed that I had forgotten about entirely. It was very comforting to me that someone else noticed I was coping well.

Something I think your friend should explore is counselling for herself at some stage. She is very distracted with activity and she may have had little time to truly process what has happened. This is something you can suggest to her if you think the time is right. If she resists it don't be offended - just keep it on the back boiler to talk about at another time.

I think some grief counselling would be another practical support mechanism in her life, besides you. They will give her good advice & skills on coping with life change, her daughters death, the kids, the husband.....I hope this is something she considers.
sunandsurf13 On June 29, 2009

Deleted



Sydney, Australia
#4New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 09:37:42
PS: There are some great sites on the net about dealing with bereavement and grief. If you read these, it may give you some better insight into how she is feeling. There will often be little you can say that will make her feel better, to tell you the truth. Understanding where she is at may help you to worry about that less.
iwannano On May 19, 2010
Mountain William


Deleted



,
#5New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 09:39:01
When she snapped about what was going on with the new wife and them kids my friend never thought about it , she just done it, and when some one mentions it to her she gets a bit defencive and says " what the hell else could I do"? and I have to agree with her, them kids already have a huge problem they sure don't need that which barking at them for being kids. The new wife really needs an attitude adjustment but like I said , the last thing grandma needs id more crap on her plate, if you know what I mean.
sunandsurf13 On June 29, 2009

Deleted



Sydney, Australia
#6New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 09:41:56
@iwannano Said

When she snapped about what was going on with the new wife and them kids my friend never thought about it , she just done it, and when some one mentions it to her she gets a bit defencive and says " what the hell else could I do"? and I have to agree with her, them kids already have a huge problem they sure don't need that which barking at them for being kids. The new wife really needs an attitude adjustment but like I said , the last thing grandma needs id more crap on her plate, if you know what I mean.



Well, she's not going to be able to count on the ex or his wife for anything except token appearances. That's the reality, and the faster the kids get used to that the better I think. I feel for your friend, but this is really roughest on them.
iwannano On May 19, 2010
Mountain William


Deleted



,
#7New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 10:01:44
I know first hand what she will be going Thur , well I need to rephrase that, if it was only the grief of losing her daughter I would not be feeling like I'm in over my head, , but how the hell is someone suppose to deal with the dad and the wife and being so far away from her own place and all the issues that them kids have plus her own greif over losing her daughter,?? I am very careful to not 'list all that she has on her plate' simply because I could very well see her just snapping like a rubber band or something.and when she starts making the list I jump on which ever one thing that is her most pressing issue at that time and we just stick to that one thing. I'm not saying it's settled that day or at that time but just thinking about all that would be on a list makes me want to 'snap' like a rubber band I can't imagine what it would do to her . at this point.

I was reading this just about to hit the 'post' button when I figured I need to explaine what I mean by "if it was only the grief of losing her daughter". I lost my 21 year old daughter suddenly in 2001 to a drunk driver. but I never had all the other stuff , 3 grand kids , a stupid ex son in law with a stupider new wife etc... to deal with that is why at time's I feel ' in over my head' . And I realize that it sounds like I'm trying to make this about me when it is not about me.. I am in no way thinking it's about me. I'm needing some 'outside' insight and advice so I don't get tangle footed and overwhelmed by it all.
sunandsurf13 On June 29, 2009

Deleted



Sydney, Australia
#8New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 10:15:26
@iwannano Said

I know first hand what she will be going Thur , well I need to rephrase that, if it was only the grief of losing her daughter I would not be feeling like I'm in over my head, , but how the hell is someone suppose to deal with the dad and the wife and being so far away from her own place and all the issues that them kids have plus her own greif over losing her daughter,?? I am very careful to not 'list all that she has on her plate' simply because I could very well see her just snapping like a rubber band or something.and when she starts making the list I jump on which ever one thing that is her most pressing issue at that time and we just stick to that one thing. I'm not saying it's settled that day or at that time but just thinking about all that would be on a list makes me want to 'snap' like a rubber band I can't imagine what it would do to her . at this point.

I was reading this just about to hit the 'post' button when I figured I need to explaine what I mean by "if it was only the grief of losing her daughter". I lost my 21 year old daughter suddenly in 2001 to a drunk driver. but I never had all the other stuff , 3 grand kids , a stupid ex son in law with a stupider new wife etc... to deal with that is why at time's I feel ' in over my head' . And I realize that it sounds like I'm trying to make this about me when it is not about me.. I am in no way thinking it's about me. I'm needing some 'outside' insight and advice so I don't get tangle footed and overwhelmed by it all.



I understand --& I'm so sorry about your daughter.
I don't know her - you do. You are ultimately the best judge of what she needs when you speak to her because she's your friend.
The advice I have already given is very general and I think counselling would help her. Nothing will ease the day to day stuff escept time - something I feel sure you already understand.
You're a great friend to be so concerned for her. Just make sure you look after yourself too.
iwannano On May 19, 2010
Mountain William


Deleted



,
#9New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 10:18:59
@sunandsurf13 Said

Well, she's not going to be able to count on the ex or his wife for anything except token appearances. That's the reality, and the faster the kids get used to that the better I think. I feel for your friend, but this is really roughest on them.



In a way the kids are helping grandma deal with their dad and his wife simply because they had already been dealing with them. Of course the loss of mom adds a whole new dimension to the whole thing. Grandma is a lot more angry at him and his wife then the kids seem to be . but as the kids say , " he's always been like that" and so has the wife" . but grandma makes sure to let them kids know they are the most important people in the whole sad deal . and she explains it to them saying what makes them so much more important is that thier mom was so important to her.
I know that she seems like some kind of super woman or perfect angel but I can see that she hasn't been able to be alone with her pain and grief yet so she really has no idea that some time , some moment in time it is going to come down on her heart like a ton of bricks and she will have no place to go but right there in that moment and in the pain. I have explained this and at the some time explained to her that it's not of her choice , it's just what is happening with the dad kids ...etc but when that moment comes and she is able to take a breath she needs to call me so I can watch the kids for her.I will be able to do nothing for her because it's just something that will be and no words or actions from anyone will change it. but when there is no outside worries , in her case 3 kids. to worry about , getting though that moment ( that will last hours at least) really helps.
iwannano On May 19, 2010
Mountain William


Deleted



,
#10New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 10:37:28
@sunandsurf13 Said

I understand --& I'm so sorry about your daughter.
I don't know her - you do. You are ultimately the best judge of what she needs when you speak to her because she's your friend.
The advice I have already given is very general and I think counselling would help her. Nothing will ease the day to day stuff escept time - something I feel sure you already understand.
You're a great friend to be so concerned for her. Just make sure you look after yourself too.



Please allow me to explaine why this ( bold text) is the biggest bunch of crap ever to be passed from one person to another.
And until it was explained to me by a mom that had lost her son 9 years before I lost my girl i never gave it a second thought.


The 'time' that heals grief works when we are grieving for grand parents or parents and a spouse even siblings . Because they aren't our future . grandparents and parents give us our sense of 'roots and our history as a family . A spouse and our siblings give us our sence of our present they are what makes our family what it is today. Our children are the future .
The mom said that the more time that passes the more it will become my reality , what I am missing that I had always just taken for granted I would have in the future. . I could go on and on listing things but I guess you get what I'm saying with out all the things being listed ,,, huh??
So I will ask you to not say that old saying to any parent you are speaking to about a child that has passed. I am not preaching or complaining or nothing of that sort at all. I am just explaining . please take it as just a bit of food for thought for any time in the future that you want to say the words "Nothing will ease the day to day stuff escept time " to a parent .
sunandsurf13 On June 29, 2009

Deleted



Sydney, Australia
#11New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 10:50:21
@iwannano Said

Please allow me to explaine why this ( bold text) is the biggest bunch of crap ever to be passed from one person to another.
And until it was explained to me by a mom that had lost her son 9 years before I lost my girl i never gave it a second thought.


The 'time' that heals grief works when we are grieving for grand parents or parents and a spouse even siblings . Because they aren't our future . grandparents and parents give us our sense of 'roots and our history as a family . A spouse and our siblings give us our sence of our present they are what makes our family what it is today. Our children are the future .
The mom said that the more time that passes the more it will become my reality , what I am missing that I had always just taken for granted I would have in the future. . I could go on and on listing things but I guess you get what I'm saying with out all the things being listed ,,, huh??
So I will ask you to not say that old saying to any parent you are speaking to about a child that has passed. I am not preaching or complaining or nothing of that sort at all. I am just explaining . please take it as just a bit of food for thought for any time in the future that you want to say the words "Nothing will ease the day to day stuff escept time " to a parent .



I truly meant no offense, and you're right. I don't have children; I don't know what you have been through personally.

I do feel though that you have taken my post out of context somewhat. i think what I was referring to was the fact that much of what your friend is facing day to day right now will with time, get easier - her legal stuff, her grand children settling down, where she will live etc.

I'm hopeful that others will give you some advice that resonates with you.
iwannano On May 19, 2010
Mountain William


Deleted



,
#12New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 11:19:02
@sunandsurf13 Said

I truly meant no offense, and you're right. I don't have children; I don't know what you have been through personally.

I do feel though that you have taken my post out of context somewhat. i think what I was referring to was the fact that much of what your friend is facing day to day right now will with time, get easier - her legal stuff, her grand children settling down, where she will live etc.

I'm hopeful that others will give you some advice that resonates with you.



No ,please believe me when I say I truly took no offence.
iwannano On May 19, 2010
Mountain William


Deleted



,
#13New Post! May 27, 2009 @ 11:23:49
I apologize for hijacking my own thread .
What you have done is made me to understand that what I'm doing is okay and I'm not making things worse for her or harder than it has to be. thank for putting it all back into perspective for me.
sunandsurf13 On June 29, 2009

Deleted



Sydney, Australia
#14New Post! May 28, 2009 @ 07:53:44
If my comments helped I'm glad. You're welcome.
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