@iwannano Said
I really need some insights and wisdom on how to be a helpful and supportive friend to a friend at a very sad and confusing , heartbreaking time.
I'll start at the beginning of the story.
A friend that I have known since we started the first grade together lost her daughter one afternoon last month when she was killed instantly in an accident leaving 3 children behind . The daughter was divorced so was a single mom. the kids dad is 'around' but has a new woman in his life that is not willing to take the ex wife's 3 kids' to raise. So, grandma who has been living in Florida for the past few years and had come 'home for her daughters funeral has moved into the her daughters home and taken on the responsibility of her grand kids. I am not looking for an answer to my friends problems.
She has called me, at her wits end , she has had to turn her back on her life in Florida , for the moment at least, shes trying to deal with her greif of losing her daughter and help those 3 kids deal with the loss of their mother while the whole time having their dad and his woman acting like it's all settled to everyones joy and convenience .
Even if I wanted to (and I don't) I don't want to become involved with the "family"
issues of ,the dad his new wife and grandma trying to get this situation into a workable conclusion . But when she calls me up at her wits end I would like to be able to show her I care and want to be a friend , because believe me this woman needs to know she has a friend right now . I just sometimes feel like I'm in way over my head. She is looking into finding legal advise on the deal with her grand kids and the dad. And has found a therapist to help the kids though thier dealing with the sudden death of their mom. so it's not like she isn't capable of taking care of what needs to be done. and when the dust settles and she will probably seek therop for herself. But for now it really isn't an option , all her energy and time goes into caring for her grand kids and dealing with thier dad and step mom. My friend says that if needs be , she can work it out to move the kids to Florida and raise them permanent but she would want it set in stone and signed by all involved before she ever packs a box .
I hope I have shown that what I'm, asking for is some others insights and some of you guys have a hell of a lot more clearer thinking then I do when it comes to saying things and looking at things that are important to a situation . IMO. The last time I was talking to my friend she was pretty upset and all I could think was , what I wouldn't give to have treebee and readsalot and a few others here way with words and looking at things so I could help my friend get though this very sad and heartbreaking time. The very last thing she needs is me ranting about what I think of her ex son in law and his new woman ,,,if we didn't have such a long history together , we started 1 st grade in 1966 together, just to show why I am not willing to just blow her off and walk away. We were 'best' friends all Thur school until we got out and about in the world ,, we have kept in touch over the years . not as 'best' friends but I guess you can see where I'm comming from , I hope.
Your friend certainly does have a lot on her plate - not only has she lost her own daughter, but she is raising 3 children in a home that is not her own, and dealing with their father who I suspect she probably resents a great deal. She's got a lot going on but is also probably feeling quite isolated too.
Don't underestimate yourself as a friend. If she didn't think it would be helpful in any way to call you, she just wouldn't call you. You are already helping a great deal just by listening - by giving her a way to vent and process what has happened out loud. If you have been angry I'm sure you've echoed her thoughts. I'm sure you have been of superb support already.
In terms of your concern for her: it sounds like she has good solid things in place already - she's making sure the kids are okay and the counselling for them is a superb idea. Having protection drawn up legally for her grandchildren is also very smart - I'm not surprised she's doing this at all. Her daughter's death, however unlikely, happened, so she is covering all bases. I would too.
What she probably is struggling with right now is the terrible void that has been created by her daughters death. I assume they were close although you've not mentioned this. Either way your friend will run a whole gamut of emotions - anger, depression, grief, denial, all back and forth for some time to come. At some stage she will even be angry with her deceased daughter, which will not make sense to her and will upset her too. All normal. You should assure her that all her reactions are normal.
As a friend, you should stay in regular contact but also protect yourself. You have your own life and concerns and things you need to look after. It may a good idea to visit at some stage - you can take the kids out or take her out for a lunch. For the moment the best thing you can do is listen when she calls.
Encourage her that she is doing well, that she is coping, and try to keep the conversations positive. Remind her of things she's achieved and gotten through. I found this helpful when I suffered a death in my family this year - my best friend would often remind me of things I'd done and managed that I had forgotten about entirely. It was very comforting to me that someone else noticed I was coping well.
Something I think your friend should explore is counselling for herself at some stage. She is very distracted with activity and she may have had little time to truly process what has happened. This is something you can suggest to her if you think the time is right. If she resists it don't be offended - just keep it on the back boiler to talk about at another time.
I think some grief counselling would be another practical support mechanism in her life, besides you. They will give her good advice & skills on coping with life change, her daughters death, the kids, the husband.....I hope this is something she considers.