The Forum Site - Join the conversation
Forums:
Relationships

Shall I get in touch with a 12 year old daughter that I never met?

Reply to Topic
AuthorMessage
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 · >>
MangoMan On July 14, 2010




, United Kingdom
#1New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 00:30:20
Hello everyone!

When I was 24, I had a brief fling with a 29 year old woman. As a result, a baby girl was born. At that time, the mother of this baby sent photos and asked me if I wanted to play my part as a parent. I declined.

Now, aged 37, I feel wiser and mature. Recently, I have found this 12 year old girl on Facebook. I can follow what she's up to on her 'Wall.' She is gorgeous. I wouldn't dare contact her. Her mother is also on the same website.

What stops me from contacting them is money. I don't have enough to give this 12 year old. Children do cost a lot of money. Also, that brief fling is the only time I ever had a sexual relationship with a woman. Despite trying hard, I haven't been able to find another girlfriend in the last 12 years.

I'd really appreciate your help and advice, especially from those forum members with a bit of life experience in this area of children & parenting. I'm doing well now, after graduating from university last year with top results. I don't want my good form to be disrupted by having a "daughter" in my life.

Will I regret it later, when this girl is over 18? Have you been a woman who never found out who your father was? How would you feel if you were a 12 year old girl, never having seen your father? Would you like to be connected to him?

I look forward to your responses.
Grasshopper On January 11, 2023
Just me.





Fort Collins, Colorado
#2New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 00:36:30
Ummm I dunno...She might be freaked out. Might be mad about you never being there...Just my guess.
Chrill On August 01, 2022
Gesundheit





Järfälla, Sweden
#3New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 00:38:08
I'm afraid grasshopper is right. To her, it can seem like "He didn't want me my first 12 years, why now?" and reject you. Get in touch with the mother and talk it out with her.
NikiNiki On January 04, 2011

Deleted



Villa Park, California
#4New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 00:44:35
@MangoMan Said

Hello everyone!

When I was 24, I had a brief fling with a 29 year old woman. As a result, a baby girl was born. At that time, the mother of this baby sent photos and asked me if I wanted to play my part as a parent. I declined.

Now, aged 37, I feel wiser and mature. Recently, I have found this 12 year old girl on Facebook. I can follow what she's up to on her 'Wall.' She is gorgeous. I wouldn't dare contact her. Her mother is also on the same website.

What stops me from contacting them is money. I don't have enough to give this 12 year old. Children do cost a lot of money. Also, that brief fling is the only time I ever had a sexual relationship with a woman. Despite trying hard, I haven't been able to find another girlfriend in the last 12 years.

I'd really appreciate your help and advice, especially from those forum members with a bit of life experience in this area of children & parenting. I'm doing well now, after graduating from university last year with top results. I don't want my good form to be disrupted by having a "daughter" in my life.

Will I regret it later, when this girl is over 18? Have you been a woman who never found out who your father was? How would you feel if you were a 12 year old girl, never having seen your father? Would you like to be connected to him?

I look forward to your responses.


I have an aunt (technically maybe great aunt) who had a daughter when she was too young to be a mother. Eighteen years later to the day, they both started to try to find each other. They found each other, and they (now it's four generations worth) come to family events. It's so totally cool.
MangoMan On July 14, 2010




, United Kingdom
#5New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 00:44:52
Hello Grasshopper and chrill,

Both of you are 18. And your instant reaction to my question is really helpful. If you were in this girl's position, you say you would be "freaked out"? Does that you mean it would be bettter for this girl to live without knowing her biological father?

Chrill, I have thought a lot about contacting her mother. But that's scary too! She too could ask "you ignored us for 12 years, why now? What if you reject us again?"

In the last 12 years, I thought a lot about this little girl. I told myself that I'll make an attempt to contact her when she had reached a legal age of 18. Now, I'm not so sure...
MangoMan On July 14, 2010




, United Kingdom
#6New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 00:48:17
Hey NikiNiki!

If you are 14, you might be perfect to answer this question. If you didn't know your biological father for 14 years, would you want to get in touch with him now? Or, would you happily not know him at all?
ninozara On April 30, 2020




Cheshire, United Kingdom
#7New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 00:55:47
It seems to me you aren't really ready to contact her, you may be curious about her, but you are worried about money and the affect she will have on your life.

Worse than not contacting her, I think, would be contacting her then falling back out of her life.
Lili On July 12, 2019
....................





Sunshine Land,
#8New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 01:01:04
@ninozara Said

It seems to me you aren't really ready to contact her, you may be curious about her, but you are worried about money and the affect she will have on your life.

Worse than not contacting her, I think, would be contacting her then falling back out of her life.


This is an excellent point. If you enter her life, you need to be absolutely ready to commit yourself to being available to her. Otherwise, you turn a situation that's somewhat impersonal, you never taking the time to get to know her, into a situation that's extremely painful in a personal way, rejecting her after you have met her. At 12 years old, that kind of thing would negatively affect her for years.

If you are worried about your image, you aren't ready.
sAeGeSpAeNe On October 05, 2021
Part-time Nidologist





The other Bristol..., Connecti
#9New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 01:18:13
@MangoMan Said

Hello everyone!

....I look forward to your responses.



I've just read through your 'expos?' on yourself, and come away with some distinct impressions, based solely on your own words.

A. You don't want your "good form to be disrupted by having a "daughter" in my life."

B. You have already provided yourself with the excuse for not seeing this young girl. "What stops me from contacting them is money. I don't have enough to give this 12 year old."

You are presently in what I would call a selfish mode. While you may now feel "wiser and mature," you have a bit more of a journey to make through life. While you may feel that you should meet her, you are advising yourself against such a meeting, at this time.

I can appreciate how this thought of an abandonment can gnaw at ones conscience, but you should also pause to think about how a possible meeting between you and your daughter will come to affect the lives of others. In order to introduce yourself to your daughter, you will have to re-introduce yourself to your ex-fling.

You will be placing yourself into an 'unknown situation,' since you (apparently) have no direct knowledge of what -- if anything! -- the mother may have said to her daughter, about the existance, or non-existance, of her father.

You have said that you "declined to play" your part as parent. You now feel remorse for the decision you have made. Unless and until you have been contacted by your daughter, I would advise you to wait a while longer.

If you would like to shorten the waiting period, I would suggest that you discretely contact the girl's mother, and first express -- to her -- the anguish that you have felt and still feel about your indiscretion. If you encounter any resistance, you should remain quiet and continue to wait... If you do not encounter resistance, you may ask to be introduced to your daughter, and you will, no doubt, be pleased if the answer is yes. You will also have to be man enough to resist regretting that the relationship may cost you, and that it may cost you more than just money.

Should you find, however, that you will have to wait until your daughter is 18 before you will be availed of the opportunity to meet, the situation will be even more sticky... Will she know of you, at all? Will she want to?

The pickle you are in is of your own making. No matter what you hear, the experiences that one shares or endures are the consequences of one's own choices in life. Usually, in response to something as simple as "should I, or shouldn't I?"


As before, the action you take will be of your own choosing. I have only tried to make that apparent, to you.
NikiNiki On January 04, 2011

Deleted



Villa Park, California
#13New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 01:52:09
@MangoMan Said

Hey NikiNiki!

If you are 14, you might be perfect to answer this question. If you didn't know your biological father for 14 years, would you want to get in touch with him now? Or, would you happily not know him at all?


I have two cousins who have unknown, biological fathers. I suspect that they would like to meet their biological fathers, but based on how easily they found their mothers, my guess is that the fathers don't want to be found.

My mother and I have a contract. She's the adult, and I'm the kid. If I had an unknown, biological father, I would not do anything to damage that relationship. I would do like my cousins. I would begin the search on my eighteenth birthday or on the day that I could afford to pay my own rent.
plaidmushroom On January 30, 2012

Deleted



Cape Coral, Florida
#15New Post! Apr 20, 2010 @ 02:32:01
When I was first born my father didn't want anything to do with me. He never made an attempt to contact me, when my mom took him to court for child support he denied that I was his. Growing up without a dad really screwed me up inside. I had low self esteem, eating disorders, an inability to trust or connect with men, and I self mutilated. I thought about it ALL the time. I eventually got over it and I'm just fine now. Recently he asked to meet me and while I'm not 100% sure about how I feel towards him, I did invite him to my graduation.

So, speaking from my own experience, I think you should at least make the effort. It would have meant the world to me if my father did at that age. I would advise that you contact the mother and talk to her first. Absolutely, under no circumstances should you approach the girl without permission!

You should let her know that you want to be a part of her life, but it's up to HER if she wants you in it to. She may say no and that might hurt, but as an adult you have to take responsibility for your decisions and in the long run you'll feel better knowing you tried.
Reply to Topic<< Previous Topic | Next Topic >>
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 · >>

1 browsing (0 members - 1 guest)

Quick Reply
Be Respectful of Others

      
Subscribe to topic prefs

Similar Topics
    Forum Topic Last Post Replies Views
New posts   News & Current Events
Wed Jul 13, 2011 @ 13:26
13 1564
New posts   Jokes & Humor
Thu Oct 28, 2010 @ 03:09
1 776
New posts   Jokes & Humor
Fri Oct 15, 2010 @ 03:14
0 494
New posts   Politics
Sun Aug 30, 2009 @ 21:42
14 1444
New posts   Politics
Fri Feb 16, 2007 @ 02:50
19 1651