My mother is driving me mad!!

My 81 year old mother is making my life so stressed! She has been manipulating my brother and sister and me for so long - I try to no longer get involved but always end up trying to calm everyone down.

The worst thing is I'm 48 - should be past all this c**p by now!!

I would actually love to tell her I never want to see or speak to her again - but the guilt would then make me ill. My sister hasn't seen her for months (my sister is an alcoholic - although she won't acknowledge it) and my brother lives suitably far enough away! I lived in Australia for a while and that was so nice not having to put up with her s**t!!

I've got to take her 'Xmas shopping' later today... and it's 4.48am and I'm so stressed that I can't sleep. I know she'll be rude to sales people, vitriolic with me about just about everyone and I'm at my wits end!!

Has anyone out there been through this??

At 81 years of age she has some credit built up to gripe and complaine . And I'll bet you are more bothered by her being rude to others then any of those others are. I mostly was rasied by my grandparents , a great aunt and a great uncle all of them were in their late sixties when I was still a young teenager. relax and when her c**p starts to get rough for you just remember back to some of your stressing of her when you were younger,, life sucks and one of the ways it sucks big time is when the roles of 'parent and child ' change to child parent and parent child.

I can relate this to my grandpa! He's about 80 as well and hasn't really changed with the times. He can be racist and rude and is always loud. It's more my mom who has to deal with him on the level that you do but I've just decided to deal with it. He's too old and stuck in his ways to really change, and they only way to enjoy the time left with him is to try and ignore it and be grateful for the good times. I don't know if you actually have any goodtimes lol, but hopefully you do. And I do agree with iwannano about their age giving them credit to gripe and complain....

yes I have a very similar relationship with my mom. At this point I just try to tolerate her. If we have a conversation it ends up just getting us into a fight and pissing me off. Sometimes i feel like I don't have a mom cause we don't have a mother daughter relationship.

Yes. You are not alone, believe me.
Bullies in families are usually very unhappy and they can be quite manipulative - they generally only do what they can get away with. The only thing that works with bullies is directness and honesty.
How she treats other epople like shop assistants is pretty much out of your control. How she treats you is a very different matter.
If she is rude to you or abusive when you visit her, tell her you are leaving, and explain why.
If she is rude to you when you phone, tell her her are hanging up and explain why.
If she is rude when you take her out, tell her that because she is being so unpleasant you are taking her home.
And stick to it.
You'll be amazed by the results. It will take a while, but your mother will learn that if she wants more than 2 minutes of your time or help, she will have to curb her tongue.

Thanks for that Sandandsurf13!! Mega good!!

I have tried this path before... and she improves for a couple of weeks - maybe it's like training a dog... you have to go for consistancy!

Well, got to go and take her shopping - my lovely, lovely husband is coming 'for moral support' LOL!

I agree, it's like training a dog or more correctly - a child.
If she acts like a child, you will have to treat her like one, and discipline her like one - meaning that her actions have consequences.
Good luck. I don't underestimate her for one second because of her age. Some of the oldies are so clever because they have been on this earth so long. Yes, some elderly people are sick or have genuine worries, but if they are awful to everyone, people in the family just avoid them. You are actually being cruel to be kind - I'm sure she would be very upset if no-one wanted to see her and your actions may teach her to be a little nicer, and help her to get a few more phone calls and visits this xmas.

Am i just hearing myself 3 years ago??? Okay, this what I had done according to my experience. I had this auntie ok but she might be as rude or as bad as your mother, I just hate her okay until now she's the most evil person I'd ever encountered in my life that made my life so worst that i wanted to f*Ck'n kick her asses..but anyway, okay what you should do is firstly, tell her frankly about how you feel about her so she'll know that she's doing something wrong (well, i hope it won't cause any heart attacks, you know old people..but i don't want to hurt your feelings or cause you any discomfort bout my opinion)Well that's the best to do, tell her she's getting to your nerves and to everyone that you don't want to hurt her feelings but your telling the truth and of coarse your old enuf to look on yourselves that she needs to do is to rest and let you handle the things to your self. About your being with her on your shopping, just tell her that other people should be respected too and importantly their feelings because they are also what you are "humans" that are also fragile.Okay, i might not be the biggest help but atleast you should try it might do some difference to your life....

I had one parent just like that. But the icing was working with the elderly.. They are not all sugar and spice as everyone would think or believe they are.. Some are downright abusive..

What I did was NOT acknowledge them when they behaved like that or if abusive I refused to do anything for them until they behaved.. Worked with some of them, the others I just walked away from.. I did not sign up for a job that enables abuse and molestation without repercussions...

"He's too old and stuck in his ways to really change...

See, this is what I don't buy any longer.

I can remember when I was younger thinking the very same thing about people who were at the time, my age now, therefore I know for a fact that nobody is really "stuck" in anything..
We all have the capacity for change, and 'reason'...
aside from severe instances such as alheimerzes and such..

Not all elderly people behave this way, and I think many of them who do, know that alot of people believe this, and therfore use it as an excuse to treat others wrong...
they're just miserable, and want to spread the misery.