5 months ago, I showed my best friend a website called grouphug.
It's a website where you can go an anonymously "confess" whatever's on your mind and the website displays it. It's truly depressing to read through it.
She and I, her name's Stevie, got along very very well. We had known each other a while, but never really been that close up until then.
One night she left a confession on grouphug saying "I'm falling for my best friend :]"
One thing led to another, and we realised we really liked each other.
One day she came around, and in the middle of watching a movie together we kissed. I had never wanted anything so much. That night we lay in my bed and stared at each other in the moon light. I asked her out that night, we became a couple. That was the 7th of June.
Fast forward a month, we're the happiest couple in the world. We devote sundays to each other and she usually comes around to my house. We just make out, take my dog for a walk, watch movies, or play cards. We pretty much just enjoy each other, it's perfect.
After two months, three months, pretty much the same. We're totally in love. We'll send big txts to each other in the middle of the night when we think the other is asleep. She calls me when she has nightmares. We make pizza for dinner and take photos of us smiling together. Eventually, I introduce her to the friends of mine she doesn't know, and start bringing her to parties. She makes friends with them really fast. I'm the guy with the cool girlfriend. We are the couple that always turns up to the party together. We have sex. It's amazing. I am totally in love with this girl and she's totally in love with me.
Then, she wants me to meet her dad. We go away for a week to her dads house, with her brother and sister, who I get to know, and who seem to like me a lot. Even her dad likes me, even though I'm sleeping in the same bed as his daughter. While we're there, is our four month anniversary. I meet her auntie and uncle, they seem to like me too. Her cousins like me. I'm pretty popular with the Watson family right now.
But while we were away at her dads place, we kind of started to get annoyed at each other. We hardly ever get annoyed, but there we are, sitting in uncomfortable silence watching The Office.
Despite that, of course, we still love each other. I can't imagine ever not loving her.
After we get back home, we start our routine again, but it's different now. She hardly ever wants to kiss me, we start to argue. I have no idea what it is, but it hurts.
Over time it gets worse. Each week, she gets more distant. Every time I look at her I want to kiss her. I adore her. Every time she looks at me she just gets annoyed. I don't know what I've done.
Last weekend I went to the beach with her. I got a grand total of one kiss all day. She told me she wanted to have a talk that night, to tell me some things she "wanted me to know."
Then she tells me how she doesn't have fun anymore. Everything's always the same. I sleep in until midday, I'm wasting my life. I don't have a job. I don't have a car to take her places. And somehow, she doesn't feel the same anymore.
I say I want to fix this, I want to sort it out. She says she's been trying to sort it out for a month now. I start going to bed earlier, waking up earlier, I get an interview with a uni to take a course in Digital Media next year. I've started to do something with my life. It sounds stupid, but it's for her.
But simply put, she just doesn't feel the excitement anymore.
I'm devastated. It's 2am here, which makes it the 6th of November. Tomorrow, the 7th, is out 5 month anniversary. A mutual friend is having a massive birthday party then. Stevie tells me she does love me, but if the spark isn't there when we're together at the party, then she can't carry on going out with me.
Despite the emptiness she feels now, I still feel full of love. I still adore her, she's my rock, she keeps me sane, she's my best friend, who I turn to with everything. Now I'm faced with the very real possibility of losing her.
I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I'm hardly eating. I'm hardly talking to anyone. I couldn't cry when my grandfather died, yet thinking of losing Stevie has had me bawling my eyes out all day yesterday and today.
I miss her so f***ing much and she's not even gone yet.
I guess the weird part is, I've given her three chances to break up with me already, but she says no. She tells me she really does love me, she WANTS to kiss me, she WANTS to be mine, she WANTS to come around on a sunday and walk my dog with me. But she just can't.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even expect anyone here to say anything that will help. I just needed to tell the story. I guess I'll tell what happens tomorrow at this party, if anyone's interested in hearing it. Hell I'll probably post it it even if nobody is.