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Sparklegirl On December 13, 2019
LL.M





Cumbria, United Kingdom
#1New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 09:58:39
Have the need to vent so here I am! I had a very good male friend who I was close to despite him living outside of England, we shared everything. I helped him to get over his OH when she dumped him- I showed him from a girls perspective whay she may have thought and did what she had. Conversley, he gave me a male perspective on my ex who had not treated me well- he made me see that i was ok after all.


we were close and told each other everything, he moved on and i helped him out with his new potential girlfriend. i genuinely trusted him and thought he was worthy of my trust so it came as quite a shock to discover that he had basically abused my trust and broke confidences. i have found out that he has told people some stuff i shared with him and as he was the only person who knew this infomration im in no doubt it is true. my friend approachd me and asked me if X was true or at least did i know what she was talking about becuase she had been told by somebody else who was given the infomation by this so called friend.


As if that wasnt bad enough it then comes to light that he has a conviction for something quite reprehensible. he was worried that this infomration might be made public by his ex so he talked to me about it jsut so i heard it from him first. he claimed that he entered into a plea bargain to receive a lesser sentacne although he maintains his innocence. He only had to have counselling instead of a long prison sentence- which yes does sound more appealing but i have to question why would a man admit to abusing children when he (apparently) didnt? he is on the sex offenders register now


Obviously this came as a total eye opener as i had never suspected anything of the sort before. I was in utter shock as he was supposed to be my best friend and now he turned into somebody i just dont recognise at all. He insists he didnt touch his daughter and there are doctors reports showing no signs of anything untoward. Surely if this was the case then he should not have had to enter into a plea bargain and confess to somethig he did not do becuase there was no case to answer?? something feels a bit wrong to me


So this girl he has pursued has fallen for his charming personailty which I can see how she has. The problem as I see it is the fact she is 24 & he is 43- an age gap is not waht I dislike, its the fact that she is the same age as his daughter that he was acused of abusing by his wife at the time. At first I didnt care too much for this girl but as we spoke more I have got quite friendly with her and have to admit im a little worried about her


She knows all about this story he has told us but is completely on his side and just cant possibly see that he might have done it. She beleives him and trusts him implicitly, never doubting his innocence. She lives in England too so they have never met but im worried at the pace their relationship is moving. within 2 weeks of talking to her he told her that he loved her. within 3 weeks he proposed numerous times and was persistant with her. She has agreed to marry him and they plan for her to fly out in December and marry without telling her family. All of this is a worry for me- she has asked me to be bridesmaid!! as Im against this whole situation I dont feel that would be appropriate, plus im not flying all the way over there for it


They are looking at the legal impications of her being able to have children and not being removed at birth due to him being on the offenders register. Im shocked a few weeks ago she had no idea who he was, jsut met him on a forum and now she is about to marry and have kids with him. She knows he broke my trust and told people my infomration but she says that she can see why he did it. If he was happy to tell other people personal stuff about me, why she thinks he wont do it to her is beyond me. He is a piece of work- seems he gets women to send photos of themselves in variosu states of undress and posts them on a porn website but she wont accept this either.


I have talked to her and explained my concerns to her clearly, calmly and unemotionally but she cant see what my point is. She wants an education- training to be a vetenary nurse but she wont have the opportunity over there as she wont be able to afford it so she is giving up her dream before she has even been able to start it. She has already told me that he is controlling- he seems to dislike her talking to me as he is jealous of this. To me, all the signs are there but she cant or wont see them. I agree we can all be guilty of that- I should have listened to the warnings about my ex but as I loved him I ignored my family. Of course, there was no violence or abuse with my ex and he was not a convicted paedophile.


All of it worries me but it is not my choice, all I can do is be there for her if (when?) it all goes wrong. I will keep being there to talk to and gently try to help her see what she might be getting herself into. Ok so yeah that's my rant of the day!
Eaglebauer On July 23, 2019
Moderator
Deleted



Saint Louis, Missouri
#2New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 10:11:49
That's certainly a tough situation and I can empathize with your concern over the woman he's got on the hook, but honestly it seems that you've done everything reasonable that you can do for her. You've put up road signs for her to see and pointed out your worries, but in the end you can't make her heed them.

It sounds to me (admittedly with my having limited information) that it's going to end badly. It sounds as though he doesn't want her speaking to you because you've become suspicious some things about him and he doesn't want your suspicions to pass onto her.
Sparklegirl On December 13, 2019
LL.M





Cumbria, United Kingdom
#3New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 10:19:57
@Eaglebauer Said

That's certainly a tough situation and I can empathize with your concern over the woman he's got on the hook, but honestly it seems that you've done everything reasonable that you can do for her. You've put up road signs for her to see and pointed out your worries, but in the end you can't make her heed them.

It sounds to me (admittedly with my having limited information) that it's going to end badly. It sounds as though he doesn't want her speaking to you because you've become suspicious some things about him and he doesn't want your suspicions to pass onto her.



I didnt realsie it was such an epic post, like war and peace! well i feel that i have done all i can for her, but its always good to get other people's perspectives. i dont want to keep on at her about it because all i see that doing is driving her away from me. im worried its dangerous for her but she has to do what she feels is right for her

Have to agree i also see this ending badly- he sent me an angry message accusing me of decieving him about this woman. when i replied admittedly i was a little bit heated and was annoyed at his stupid rant at me. i dont like to talk to him, it makes me feel quite sick but im also worried if i break the contact i wont hear about his plans for her. he still tells me things- that i must say contradicts what she tells me. all of it points to something being wrong

You are probably right, he knows im no fool (anymore!)so would prefer she just talks to him all the time and live in his little created bubble where he sees they can live happily ever after. which of course wont happen if his controlling nature keeps getting stronger
Eaglebauer On July 23, 2019
Moderator
Deleted



Saint Louis, Missouri
#4New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 10:25:05
@Sparklegirl Said

I didnt realsie it was such an epic post, like war and peace! well i feel that i have done all i can for her, but its always good to get other people's perspectives. i dont want to keep on at her about it because all i see that doing is driving her away from me. im worried its dangerous for her but she has to do what she feels is right for her

Have to agree i also see this ending badly- he sent me an angry message accusing me of decieving him about this woman. when i replied admittedly i was a little bit heated and was annoyed at his stupid rant at me. i dont like to talk to him, it makes me feel quite sick but im also worried if i break the contact i wont hear about his plans for her. he still tells me things- that i must say contradicts what she tells me. all of it points to something being wrong

You are probably right, he knows im no fool (anymore!)so would prefer she just talks to him all the time and live in his little created bubble where he sees they can live happily ever after. which of course wont happen if his controlling nature keeps getting stronger



Men who do things of that nature (and again, I speak cautiously with not much knowledge of him) are systematic in the way they manipulate who knows what about them. If he is the type it seems he is, he knows exactly what he's doing and what buttons to push.

I believe you're also correct that you really can't push too hard on her because it's only going to galvanize her more on his side. It sucks, but a lot of the time when someone's headed for a cliff all you can do is tell them the cliff is there and watch them run over the side of it.
sAeGeSpAeNe On October 05, 2021
Part-time Nidologist





The other Bristol..., Connecti
#5New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 10:25:19
Give the woman her space, and avoid the guy altogether. Politely decline attending the wedding. You can claim there are dependents requiring your constant care, and it is impossible for you to violate the trust they have in you.
Sparklegirl On December 13, 2019
LL.M





Cumbria, United Kingdom
#6New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 10:29:43
@Eaglebauer Said

Men who do things of that nature (and again, I speak cautiously with not much knowledge of him) are systematic in the way they manipulate who knows what about them. If he is the type it seems he is, he knows exactly what he's doing and what buttons to push.

I believe you're also correct that you really can't push too hard on her because it's only going to galvanize her more on his side. It sucks, but a lot of the time when someone's headed for a cliff all you can do is tell them the cliff is there and watch them run over the side of it.



Yes I totally agree with the manipulation, that is exactly how he gets people (namely women)on side. I really can't see how else I can help at this time so as long as she knows I will still be her friend that is the best I can do. This way she might keep on tellling me things rather than keep it all hidden away as he would prefer
Sparklegirl On December 13, 2019
LL.M





Cumbria, United Kingdom
#7New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 10:31:42
@sAeGeSpAeNe Said

Give the woman her space, and avoid the guy altogether. Politely decline attending the wedding. You can claim there are dependents requiring your constant care, and it is impossible for you to violate the trust they have in you.



There is no way on earth I could possibly in all good conscience go to the wedding. To me it is one huge farce that makes a mockery of what a wedding should be- he is amused at the fact she was 2 years old the last time he got married!
Dark_Tink On December 30, 2018
<3 Boobie <3





, Canada
#8New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 15:29:35
@Sparklegirl Said

Yes I totally agree with the manipulation, that is exactly how he gets people (namely women)on side. I really can't see how else I can help at this time so as long as she knows I will still be her friend that is the best I can do. This way she might keep on tellling me things rather than keep it all hidden away as he would prefer



That's the best thing you can do. Let her know that you will be there for her. Keep lines of communication open. Even if it's just emails, that can be enough for her to know that at least one person is there for her.

From what you posted, she's not willing to accept the things you have told her about this guy. Sadly it will probably be a few years down the road that she 'wakes up' and sees what he is really like.
sTreetAngeL On January 24, 2022
root tedt ree





in a paradox,
#9New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 17:17:22
He's jealous of the fact of her talking to you because he knows that you are on to him!

I must say..what goes through someone's head to want to have childeren with someone who is a sex offender? - And that, so soon into the relationship? They don't even know each other yet..

Frankly, what she now knows would be all it took for me to know him. It is quite enough. And leopards don't change their spots! (The 'controling' aspect of their relationship will only grow worse over time...She is setting herself up for a prison sententence and does''t even realize it...

Why is this all being kepp from her family? Whose idea is that?...I think that is a very vital piece of information that she would be wise to consider. )
JR_Sanford On August 02, 2017




Portland (St. Johns), Oregon
#10New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 17:44:49
@Sparklegirl Said

Have the need to vent so here I am! I had a very good male friend who I was close to despite him living outside of England, we shared everything. I helped him to get over his OH when she dumped him- I showed him from a girls perspective whay she may have thought and did what she had. Conversley, he gave me a male perspective on my ex who had not treated me well- he made me see that i was ok after all.


we were close and told each other everything, he moved on and i helped him out with his new potential girlfriend. i genuinely trusted him and thought he was worthy of my trust so it came as quite a shock to discover that he had basically abused my trust and broke confidences. i have found out that he has told people some stuff i shared with him and as he was the only person who knew this infomration im in no doubt it is true. my friend approachd me and asked me if X was true or at least did i know what she was talking about becuase she had been told by somebody else who was given the infomation by this so called friend.


As if that wasnt bad enough it then comes to light that he has a conviction for something quite reprehensible. he was worried that this infomration might be made public by his ex so he talked to me about it jsut so i heard it from him first. he claimed that he entered into a plea bargain to receive a lesser sentacne although he maintains his innocence. He only had to have counselling instead of a long prison sentence- which yes does sound more appealing but i have to question why would a man admit to abusing children when he (apparently) didnt? he is on the sex offenders register now


Obviously this came as a total eye opener as i had never suspected anything of the sort before. I was in utter shock as he was supposed to be my best friend and now he turned into somebody i just dont recognise at all. He insists he didnt touch his daughter and there are doctors reports showing no signs of anything untoward. Surely if this was the case then he should not have had to enter into a plea bargain and confess to somethig he did not do becuase there was no case to answer?? something feels a bit wrong to me


So this girl he has pursued has fallen for his charming personailty which I can see how she has. The problem as I see it is the fact she is 24 & he is 43- an age gap is not waht I dislike, its the fact that she is the same age as his daughter that he was acused of abusing by his wife at the time. At first I didnt care too much for this girl but as we spoke more I have got quite friendly with her and have to admit im a little worried about her


She knows all about this story he has told us but is completely on his side and just cant possibly see that he might have done it. She beleives him and trusts him implicitly, never doubting his innocence. She lives in England too so they have never met but im worried at the pace their relationship is moving. within 2 weeks of talking to her he told her that he loved her. within 3 weeks he proposed numerous times and was persistant with her. She has agreed to marry him and they plan for her to fly out in December and marry without telling her family. All of this is a worry for me- she has asked me to be bridesmaid!! as Im against this whole situation I dont feel that would be appropriate, plus im not flying all the way over there for it


They are looking at the legal impications of her being able to have children and not being removed at birth due to him being on the offenders register. Im shocked a few weeks ago she had no idea who he was, jsut met him on a forum and now she is about to marry and have kids with him. She knows he broke my trust and told people my infomration but she says that she can see why he did it. If he was happy to tell other people personal stuff about me, why she thinks he wont do it to her is beyond me. He is a piece of work- seems he gets women to send photos of themselves in variosu states of undress and posts them on a porn website but she wont accept this either.


I have talked to her and explained my concerns to her clearly, calmly and unemotionally but she cant see what my point is. She wants an education- training to be a vetenary nurse but she wont have the opportunity over there as she wont be able to afford it so she is giving up her dream before she has even been able to start it. She has already told me that he is controlling- he seems to dislike her talking to me as he is jealous of this. To me, all the signs are there but she cant or wont see them. I agree we can all be guilty of that- I should have listened to the warnings about my ex but as I loved him I ignored my family. Of course, there was no violence or abuse with my ex and he was not a convicted paedophile.


All of it worries me but it is not my choice, all I can do is be there for her if (when?) it all goes wrong. I will keep being there to talk to and gently try to help her see what she might be getting herself into. Ok so yeah that's my rant of the day!


Wow, you are a friend to have. You have gone the extra mile to inform her of what your fears are. One thing you could do is talk to him and let him know if anything happens to her you will be on him like Ugly on an Ape, and will need to deal with your wrath.

Take a stand and refuse to be at their wedding. Do Not Endorse it.

J.R.
Sparklegirl On December 13, 2019
LL.M





Cumbria, United Kingdom
#11New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 21:15:43
@Dark_Tink Said

That's the best thing you can do. Let her know that you will be there for her. Keep lines of communication open. Even if it's just emails, that can be enough for her to know that at least one person is there for her.

From what you posted, she's not willing to accept the things you have told her about this guy. Sadly it will probably be a few years down the road that she 'wakes up' and sees what he is really like.



yeah thats my worry too that it will be too late for her but she has to make her own decisions so im 'happy' to be there when it goes wrong to pick up the pieces but as you say her unwillingness to hear negative stuff about him may indeed be her downfall in the long term
Sparklegirl On December 13, 2019
LL.M





Cumbria, United Kingdom
#12New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 21:25:13
@sTreetAngeL Said

He's jealous of the fact of her talking to you because he knows that you are on to him!

I must say..what goes through someone's head to want to have childeren with someone who is a sex offender? - And that, so soon into the relationship? They don't even know each other yet..

Frankly, what she now knows would be all it took for me to know him. It is quite enough. And leopards don't change their spots! (The 'controling' aspect of their relationship will only grow worse over time...She is setting herself up for a prison sententence and does''t even realize it...

Why is this all being kepp from her family? Whose idea is that?...I think that is a very vital piece of information that she would be wise to consider. )



my thoughts ecactly- there is the fear if she has a child it will be removed at birth depending on what state they choose to live in. how true that might be im unable to comment on as im not American and not damiliar with the laws governing such issues there.

she claims that she has kept it form the family becuase he is so much older than her and her brothers would want to beat him up if they heard about the sex opffenders register- well i would have thought that would be little surprise if she plans to have a family with him

control like that- so far as for him to lash out at me for 'decieving' him about her whereabouts- shows me that he will be difficult to be in a relationship with. he is a grandfather and has clearly not mellowed with age
Sparklegirl On December 13, 2019
LL.M





Cumbria, United Kingdom
#13New Post! Jul 19, 2011 @ 21:39:27
@JR_Sanford Said

Wow, you are a friend to have. You have gone the extra mile to inform her of what your fears are. One thing you could do is talk to him and let him know if anything happens to her you will be on him like Ugly on an Ape, and will need to deal with your wrath.

Take a stand and refuse to be at their wedding. Do Not Endorse it.

J.R.



thank you, that meant a lot to read. he knows im not a pushover when it comes to him as much as he will try to get to me. i might be a sensitive soul but im sure a 'person' like him couldnt upset me any more than discovering what he is/was.

they both must be deluded to think i could be a willing participant in the wedding but they expect it is a natural progression. poor lass is not seeing things as they really are thought is she lets face it! either way i will not be a part of the farce. sorry wedding!
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