If you need a laugh today,then this should do it!
A child was asked to write a book report on the Entire Bible.
This cracked me up,I often wonder just how we take for granted that children understand what they are taught.
THE CHILDRENS BIBLE IN A NUTSHELL
In the beginihg,which occured near the start,there was nothing but God,darkness and some gas.The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one,but I think HE must be a lot older than that.
Anyway,God said,"Give me light!'and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though,because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son,Cain,who hated his brother as long as he was Able.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off,except for Methuselah,who lived to be a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah,who was a good guy,but one of his kids was some kind of Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.He asked some other people to join him,but they said they would take a rain check..
After Noah came Abraham,Isaac and Jacob.Jacob was more famous than his brother Esau,because Esua sold his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another really important Bible guy is Moses,whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Isreal Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.These plagues included frogs,mice,lice,bowels and no cable.
God fed the Isreal Lights every day on manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include:don't lie,cheat,smoke,dance,or covet your neighbours stuff.
Oh,Yeah, I just thought of one more:Humour thy Mother and Father.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. MY teacher say's he was wise,but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of those was Jonah,who was swallowed by a big whale and barfed up on the shore.There were also some monor league prophets,but I guess we don't have to woryy about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a Barn.(I wish I had been born in a barn Too,because my mum is always saying to me,Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say,'As a matter of fact,I was.')
During His life,Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus.Judas was so evil they even named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man.He healed the leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways,Jesus died for our sins,then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Apr 28, 2009 @ 08:04:13
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