The Forum Site - Join the conversation

I live with my husband and my boyfriend in one big happy family

Reply to Topic
marcus On July 12, 2009


Membar, Liechtenstein
#1New Post! Apr 05, 2007 @ 17:17:00
Not me!!! lol
I found this article. To me, it was weird and I sanction such things. But on a certain level, it's kinda beautiful. Still, it's freaking odd.
What about the children? The emotional impact upon realisation of the situation in which their biological dad and Daddy and Mom are, must lead to some emotional trauma or even hate.
I hope that the kids can lead a great life and that this situation does not affect them much.

Life would have been chaotic enough for Shanea Gaiger. With four lively daughters, a demanding husband, a part-time job, two cats and a dog to deal with, anyone would have agreed she had enough on her plate.

Visitors to her three-bedroom house would often comment on how simply getting through the day was a lesson in multi-tasking.

What was she thinking of, then, when she welcomed another addition into the home? This one may not have required feeding or walking, but his presence was certainly keenly felt.

Quite what the children made of the arrival of Noel is anyone's guess. For he wasn't another pet, or even a lodger. He was "Mummy's boyfriend".

For the past 18 months, Shanea, a 35-year- old full-time mum, has shared her home with her husband John, an electrician, and her lover - 30-year-old Noel, a teacher.

We've all heard about unconventional domestic arrangements before. The TV series Big Love returns this month, featuring one man - a Mormon - who marries three women and successfully runs three separate households.

But in John and Shanea's case there is no religious basis to their living arrangements; nor was there any history of, or even curiosity about, polygamy in the family.

While she has sexual relations with each man - requiring some serious diary-shuffling, as we shall discover - the two men are not romantically involved with each other.

Their off beat - some would say highly dysfunctional - domestic set up surely makes them one of the most unconventional families in the country.

Shanea is in fact, the woman with two "husbands". But is she the luckiest woman in Britain, or the most insane? And how on earth did she ever agree to get two men to share her - never mind the household chores?

She laughs. "I'm in love with two men, simple as that. I love Noel and John, and they both love me. They, on the other hand like each other - in a kind of sibling way.

"We didn't set out to have this sort of family, but it works for us. I'm very happy."

Clearly. What is more shocking perhaps is that her husband John, 36, also professes to be content - unbelievable when you consider how this menage a trois came about.

Shanea shares her life with two men simply because she had an affair, fell in love - and didn't want to give up either man.

That both men agreed to her suggestion that they should all live together, is something few will understand. So how on earth did this bizarre set-up come about?

There was nothing in John and Shanea's background to suggest they would be the sort of couple to agree to an "open" marriage, never mind one where the wife's boyfriend had his own toothbrush in the bathroom.

Husband and wife met in a nightclub when Shanea was 20. John confesses that he was captivated by her long dark hair and revealing outfits.

"She really stood out from the crowd. She made me laugh and we hit it off from the very beginning. It sounds cheesy but it really was love at first sight."

While Shanea was always an outgoing type, John was rather shy. Shanea had to ask if he would buy her a drink. It took weeks before he "made a move", as she puts it.

But after a whirlwind three-month romance, John proposed. Although she hadn't planned to get married and have children, she accepted, and in 1994 the couple tied the knot.

Despite Shanea's belief that she wasn't ready to become a mum, over the next five years she gave birth to three beautiful daughters - Jade, Derryn and Tasmyn, now nearing their teens. So far, so conventional.

But she soon found family life stifling and admits that coping with three youngsters and a busy household took some of the sparkle out of the couple's relationship. Most people would simply accept this. She had other ideas.

She talked to John about the possibility of having the kind of marriage where they could both see other people. He agreed - but only up to a point.

"We were allowed to have relationps with other people, but the rules were that there was to be no sex and intimate kissing. These were the special things that John and I shared."

It sounds like a dangerous game, but the pair were convinced the arrangement would give them both a certain freedom, but keep their marriage intact. Hardly surprisingly, in practice it was a disaster.

With her first few boyfriends, Shanea faithfully adhered to the "rules". Yet when she met Noel - a single man with no children - her restraint went swiftly out the window. "I was falling in love with him," she explains. "And yes, one thing led to another."

Noel admits that he too got in deeper than he had intended. "I was wary of her at first," he says. "She was married and I was not going to be the kind of person who breaks up a marriage and a family. At the same time, I had strong feelings for Shanea."

Unwilling to carry on the deception - but also unwilling to give up her new lover - Shanea came up with an audacious plan. She would explain all to John, and let him decide how to continue.

"I think it had reached the stage where John knew already. He was just waiting for me to tell him," she says. "When he asked if I'd told Noel that I loved him, I said, 'Yes'. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do."

John is clearly an unusual sort of man. His initial reaction, he says, was one you would imagine any cuckolded husband would have.

"I wanted to banjo him - to spark him out," he says rather graphically. John has muscles of steel - the result of studious gym-going - so he could probably have done so quite easily.

Instead, something quite remarkable happened. He agreed to meet his wife's new lover - promising not to wrench his head from his shoulders.

"When I actually met Noel it was weird," he recalls. "The second I opened the front door we politely shook hands and I asked how he was. We decided to go to the pub, where we talked about work and general stuff. But we steered away from the whole topic of Shanea. In a way, the meeting wasn't about Shanea - it was him and me.

"The evening finished with us having a few drinks. I actually liked him. More importantly, I could see that he made Shanea happy. Anyone who makes Shanea happy can't be all that bad in my book."

Few men would display such tolerance. Was he mad? Na've? Or so desperate not to lose his wife that he was prepared to share her with another?

Whatever, he gave the illicit relationship his seal of approval, and things continued much as before, except that now when Shanea went off to meet her lover, he knew all about it.

And so it might have continued, had the inevitable not happened. One day Shanea dropped the bombshell that she was carrying Noel's baby.

"I knew it couldn't be John's because he had had a vasectomy," she says. "It was sheer panic when I found out. I thought: 'Oh God, what am I going to do now?' And I dreaded breaking the news to John."

But John seemed to have been almost expecting it.

"We'd already discussed what we'd do if something like this happened," he admits. "We agreed that the baby would be brought up with our daughters."

John threw himself into his role in the next chapter of this saga.

Both he and Noel were present for the birth of baby Mercy - which caused raised eyebrows in the maternity suite.

"I remember the midwife saying only the baby's daddy could come in," recalls Shanea. "I told her that they should both stay. 'He's the Dad,' I said, pointing to John. 'He's the Daddy,' I said, indicating Noel."

So, from the day she was born, Mercy has shared two dads and has both their surnames - so she can choose one day.

In the first months of her life, Noel would commute from his home in Suffolk to see the little girl - and, of course, continue his relationship with her mother. His visits became longer and longer; those trips to the pub, to share a pint with John, more frequent.

In time, John came to regard him as one of the family. The next step - an unthinkable one to many - was him moving in permanently.

And when Mercy was two years old that is exactly what happened.

But what did they say to the children?

"At first we explained that Noel was having a sleepover, like their friends sometimes did," says Shanea. "Now they're used to him being around all the time, and have grown to love him."

Shanea obviously basks in the attention - quite the little Queen Bee.

"I suppose we are the drones," agrees John. "Noel and I try to outdo each other to get her attention. We both buy her bits and pieces to make her laugh. And yes, we do get jealous of each other. When that happens, we go to the pub to thrash it out.

"But her seeing Noel doesn't affect how Shanea is with me, and never has done. I don't see myself as sharing her. Not really."

From Shanea's perspective, though, there must also be something quite exhausting about having to keep two relationships alive. Since she seemed to struggle when she had one husband - how does she cope with two?

The answer is that mainstay of modern family life - the meticulously planned diary.

"Sometimes John works a few nights away or takes all four girls to see his parents, and Noel will do the same. Otherwise I book weekends in nice hotels for either John or Noel and me to be alone without the pressures of family life.

"It sometimes feels as if I have more pressure because I have to keep two men happy instead of one. I have to maintain the stable position, and think about the kids too."

Oh yes, the kids. Mercy is too young to know that her family life is in any way "different", but it is telling that the older girls do not inform many people that their mother actually has two partners.

Yet Shanea refuses to accept that they might be adversely affected.

"There's no doubt about it, we are a weird family from the outside," she says. "But when you see us at home - with the washing up, the cleaning, cooking, ironing - we're the same as anyone else."

Until bedtime comes, of course, then even the children must be aware that something is different.

Their mother seems blissfully unconcerned about that. Most nights, it seems, she is too busy thanking her own lucky stars to worry about what confusion might be reigning down the landing.

"Every night, I realise how lucky I am," she admits. "I'm adored by two men and I'm in love with two men. I feel so totally and utterly at peace."
blas On April 08, 2007

uk, United Kingdom
#2New Post! Apr 08, 2007 @ 20:24:08
Sadly this "journalist" greatly misrepresented the truth many times in her rather biased and innacurate coverage of the story.
For instance, there was never an "affair" in fact the marriage had been an open one for three years previously.
There had never been previous "boyfriends" only a tiny handful of casual relationships involving both the husband and wife.
The husband was aware of the relationship from the start and there was never any deception about it.

It took three years for them to feel comfortable enough and for it to be the "right time" for the boyfriend to move in and only after many conversations with the children about how they felt about the situation and the new addition did it go ahead.

Each of the girls(with the exception of the toddler) are in the top percentage at school and are incredibly well balanced, open minded children.
The toddler is proving to be decidely forward for her age in part due to the constant stimulation she gets.
The girls will happily chat about the situation if asked(despite the journalists words to the contrary) and understand that it may not be what is accepted as the "normal" family in society but that they love each other.
They will also tell you that 30 years ago single mothers, divorce, step families and even gay relationships were not the "normal" either and were frowned upon, and that their family is the same as everyone elses, they just have another grown up parental figure.
vanders On December 13, 2014

, Australia
#3New Post! Apr 14, 2007 @ 12:26:39
That is just crazy!! Good on them for making it work... I doubt many people would have the patience to make it work... but if they are comfortable with it awesome!!!

I was concerned about how the girls would be but they seem as though they have adjusted really well... yeah...
SamFoulkes On June 15, 2016

London, United Kingdom
#4New Post! Apr 14, 2007 @ 12:28:08
this is sick
treebee On April 13, 2015
Government Hooker


London, United Kingdom
#5New Post! Apr 14, 2007 @ 13:51:34
People's lives get tangled emotionally. Its entirely thier business as far as im concerned.

Its weird how people thrust thier morals onto others without even considering for a second that maybe thier morals are not welcome

What about the kids? I doubt they give a f*** really as long as they are cared for.
marcus On July 12, 2009


Membar, Liechtenstein
#6New Post! Apr 14, 2007 @ 13:55:06
@treebee Said

What about the kids? I doubt they give a f*** really as long as they are cared for.

Why? We know how harsh society is - they are victims. They are viewed as "the kids of that slut who lives with 2 guys and children". - This is how most people would 'name' them. Ok, not all people, but the kids will be affected emotionally.
treebee On April 13, 2015
Government Hooker


London, United Kingdom
#7New Post! Apr 14, 2007 @ 14:03:39
other children really wouldnt care, maybe other adults will make comments but no sane person would blame a child for thier family set up.

The UK is pretty much a land of indifference, we have no interest in what happens next door any more. Nothing is a big deal. On my estate we have 2 lesbians with kids, nobody gives a rats a** about it. The girls at school dont get any stick for it.

I guess the family got a few quid for the story, and it seems it was twisted as journalists usually do with a story to give it more sensationalist appeal to the reader.

Everyone now knows about thier set up at home, saves explaining it.

And the woman herself said her kids are ok with it
jeanettesianrachel On September 16, 2016

Medway, United Kingdom
#8New Post! Apr 14, 2007 @ 14:15:06
they both look so simular i dont know why she cant have one of them and call him both names,it will save on the sheet washing alone.

you_broke_me_now_fix_me On June 15, 2007

co-down, United Kingdom
#9New Post! Apr 18, 2007 @ 15:47:37
i actually saw this as we were in bed the other night,we made a point to watch it..personally its not for us...we actually said dont bring kids into it, if you are single with no kids go ahead but seriously..this is your daddy and this is your uncle daddy and this about just having a mum and a dad that love you and love each other without trying to force a threesome on your kids? just a thought...the kids are going to grow up thinking its ok to have multipul guys on the go at once...
Reply to Topic<< Previous Topic | Next Topic >>

1 browsing (0 members - 1 guest)

Quick Reply
Be Respectful of Others

Subscribe to topic prefs

Similar Topics
    Forum Topic Last Post Replies Views
New posts   Politics
Sun May 01, 2011 @ 19:31
16 2040
New posts   Rants & Raves
Sat Feb 24, 2018 @ 19:52
18 6547
New posts   Religion
Sat Jun 09, 2012 @ 03:36
10 6704
New posts   Random
Mon Oct 26, 2009 @ 05:31
0 714
New posts   US Elections
Fri Jul 24, 2020 @ 23:24
77 18802