I don't know what to do.

I've never posted on a forum before. Honestly because I don't trust the advice of strangers. But I'm at the end of myself here. I started taking Lexapro about 9 months ago. I was really depressed and wanted to die. I didn't think about suicide. I just didn't want to feel the way that I felt anymore. It was awful. The Lexapro helped a lot. I've since gone off of it. I never wanted to be on it for the rest of my life. I hate the idea of putting that crap into my system. I went off it cold turkey. Mostly because we moved and I don't have a doctor here, but also because I'm all or nothing with everything I do. I know everyone says not to do that, but I did. I had bad side effects for about a week and a half.

At this point I'm no longer feeling any physical symptoms of withdrawal from the Lexapro. However, I'm feeling depressed again already. My thought life is a jumble of contradictions and I don't feel at peace. The following is how my head has been for the past 5 days.

I have four kids and a wife and work to support them, but all I really want to do is go live in the woods. But that would only make me happy for a while because I would miss them. I love my family so much. I love being with them. I hate being away from them. I know I need to maintain, but I just want to destroy everything around me. I just want to end all my relationships and just be miserable. I want to move back home and work and drink and not care, but I can't because I know that would make me miserable. I have a lot of responsibility on me and I don't want to let people down. I hate this world and all its ugliness, but I love individual people. I feel so much and I just want to be numb. But when I'm numb I'm not me. I'm exhausted and stressed out and sad. I feel weak for feeling this way. I feel like I should just be able to get over all this crap. I am extremely blessed. I have a roof, food, a job, a family that loves me. How can I feel this way? How do I stop??!!

Hi =]

I don't know what all you're going through but I have to tell you, you are not your thoughts. You seem to have some fears you're carrying- I read somewhere that depression is worrying about the past while anxiety is worrying about the future.

You're focused on your thoughts instead of questioning your thoughts. We only become our thoughts when we believe them. We are not our thoughts as we are not our toe. They're a part of us but not all of us.

So, you say you're depressed yet you don't know why. Maybe you need professional help to guide you in seeing why you Think you are depressed.

You have a family that loves you- you're blessed.
You have a family that loves you which you love- you're doubly blessed.
You a job, a house, and you know you should be happy. Are you carrying the past which depresses you yet you don't know how to let it go?

We don't want to feel numb, we want to feel Joy, Happiness, Fulfilled, Loved. I don't know why but to me you should be finding what is scaring you. No one tells the whole truth about yourselves- mainly because we don't know it all ourselves.

We think therefor we are... Seems to me you've got a well worn path of thinking set up.
Tell yourself it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to be happy, it's okay to let people in.

Find Professional help, if not for you, for your family.

*found it-

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

― Lao Tzu

We only have now. Meditate to breath and breath to be now.

Also - Alan Watts and Joe Dispenza



Just, don't be afraid to get professional help.

Treat yourself the way you treat someone you really care about. You have a wife and kids...what would you say to one of them if they told you they felt like they were weak because they couldn't cope and had to take medicine? Would you agree with them?

As far as the Lexapro...I'm not being accusatory here...but I think a lot of your issues stem from the fact that you were not using it properly. Going cold turkey off of most antidepressants is not only not advisable, it's downright dangerous for actual medical reasons that have to do with your brain chemistry. Some of it really has nothing to do with emotional fortitude or mental or spiritual strength...it's actual medicine that can repair chemical imbalances in your brain that you have no control over. Thinking of it as weakness would be tantamount to calling someone with a staph infection weak for taking antibiotics.

I do think a lot of antidepressants are over prescribed these days, but you do sound like you have a medical need for them, at least for a while longer and when you go off of them, you should gradually go off of them safely and under the advisement of a medical doctor, preferably a psychiatrist.

I agree with Merry...professional help would be a good move. You say that when you're numb, you're exhausted and stressed out and sad...but that isn't numb. That's exhausted, stressed out, and sad. Numb is not feeling anything, which isn't good either. It sounds to me like you'd benefit a great deal from someone trained to help unravel all of that and give you the peace you need.

Your family deserves a happy, healthy you. They're worth it, I'm willing to bet, even if it means overcoming an illogical pride.

Do you have any releases or hobbies like music, golf, bowling, bird watching, reading ... something to give your self a break, and something to look forward to in small increments - or find something.

---
I do think mental health is severely under-addressed in this country.

I haven't seen/read it, but apparently Kevin Love has posted something about his anxiety.

Hopefully the tide is turning.

First and foremost, I am so, so sorry you're in such a desperate place. As someone who has depression and is also medicated, I'd like to share with you some useful advice. When you're wanting to come off a medication, don't EVER take it into your own hands. That is a choice that should be overseen by a doctor who will help you taper off. Quitting psych meds cold turkey is never a good idea and it might be the reason you're experiencing some harsh side effects. I wish you luck in everything and hope that you find a way out of this.

Speak to someone! Dr, trusted friend, spouse. It's hard for guys to open up or admit they are having issues coping as we are taught to believe we shouldn't need to ask for help. We are the support system, we are the providers and the backbone of the household and all that other s*** that gets drummed into us growing up. Boys don't cry and nonsense like that but we are only human and things get on top of us just as much as any one else.

I too like you feel in a similar way, my partner died in Feb this year and I thought I was coping well looking after our two kids, trying to get on with life but recently I realised that I am not coping as well as I thought I was. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, avoided visiting the cemetery and I now realise that I am running from my grief. I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism. I wasn't drinking excessively but I was drinking small amounts often. More often than i ever would normally, glass or two of wine of an evening. Then I did something silly (i upset a friend while drunk) and realised that I need to reach out for help, i need to speak to someone about how I am feeling, to help me with my grief.

It was a hard realization to admit that I need to someone to lean on and that I can't do it alone as I thought I was coping. I was always reluctant to speak to a Dr just in case they fobbed me off with pills/tablets but maybe that's what I need? At least just through the tougher times. I'm hoping though that chatting to a grief counselor and some talking therapy will be enough but I'm now at a stage where I know I have to ask for that help, and I am ready to do so.

Talk to someone. It will help.