Here's some more

@rondetto Said

My wife took the car to the mechanic and said, "I'm tired of this transvestite engine."
The mechanic replied while laughing, "You mean transverse engine."
She said, "No it keeps slipping into the wrong gear."

___

She said: You remind me of the sea.
I said: Why, because I'm romantically, wild and exciting?
She said: No, you make me sick .

___

Doing my weekly shop in Sainsbury's today. I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.
I felt so ashamed Walking back to the toilets with my pants and trousers around my ankles.

___

My wife left a note on the fridge..
“It’s just not working, I’ll be at my mums’’
I opened it, and the beers, steaks and everything else was cold.. Not really sure what the problem is?

___

During my check up I asked my doctor 'Do you think I will live a long and healthy life then?'
He replied 'I doubt it somehow - Mercury is in Uranus right now'.
I said 'I don't believe in any of that astrology nonsense'.
He replied ' No, neither do I but my thermometer just broke'

___

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME ARTIST, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

___

I’ve just found out that Steffi Graff has a sister named Polly....
I’m not lying.

___

A woman walked in the pub with a leg of lamb on her shoulder, a chicken on her head and a joint of beef under her arm.
My mate said to me, "I like a woman with a bit of meat on her!"

___

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

___

I've just failed an audition for a prime time BBC quiz show, I won't say which one, it's pointless..

___

I made an apple turnover yesterday, today I am making a Banana do a somersault

___

I had a clock implanted in my brain but now i'm having second thoughts.

___