Do people change?

@xnuvax Said

Hypothetically speaking, say a girl is in love with a guy, and they have been in a relationship for a while although currently broken up, and he was going to ask her to marry him, but he is physically and emotionally abusive, yet she loves him none-the-less, and she cannot get over him, even though his patterns of behaviour is traumatic for her...and torturous!! She (for some kind of reason) wants him back (his good side of course)...This "he" does tend to drink in massive amounts (nearly all the time) and smokes marijuana both of which cause him to be abusive...can he change? Everyone and everything screams out LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD AND FORGET HIM...but she is reluctant to let him go entirely...what should she do? Does anyone know of anyone who has actually changed?

@Kristy69 Said

Leave him.
He's not good for you. Yes, people can change, but not always. I wouldn't want to put myself in that situation.

@kyahbean Said

People can change, yes. But it's very rare, it takes years of work, and they have to want to get help.

My mother was in an abusive relationship for over a decade. They were both bikers, both heavy drinkers, and he beat the s*** out of her, abusing her verbally and physically for the better part of my life. He told her he would never marry her, that he wasn;t ever going to marry again after his last wife. I never understood why she stayed with him.

Then, when I was 13, and it had been 11 years they had been together like this, he quit drinking and joined AA, actually leaving her because she hadn't quit yet. about a year or maybe a bit more later, she quit drinking as well, joining AA. They got back together and decided to work it out.

He still abused her, it just wasn't as bad because he wasn't drinking, so he wouldn't go through the really bad bouts of it. But he was still insulting her, ordering her around, and treating her like a piece of his personal property. Yet she stayed.

After 15 years of being together in this dysfunctional relationship, they started going to counseling together. He started taking anger management and violence prevention classes. Things slowly got better.

A bit over a year ago, he asked her to marry him. He bought her a little diamond and married her. Today, they are happily married, but they still have backslides. They have been together over 25 years. He still insults her every now and then, and they still go to AA together and still attend therapy sessions.

So my answer to your question is yes, in rare instances, people can change. But it takes years and years of hard work and pain. And usually, much more often than not, they don't change.

So the question would then be to the hypothetical asker of this hypothetical question - would you be willing to go through 2 decades of suffering on a slim hope that maybe, someday, that abusive person *just might* treat you like a human?

@xnuvax Said

Hypothetically speaking, say a girl is in love with a guy, and they have been in a relationship for a while although currently broken up, and he was going to ask her to marry him, but he is physically and emotionally abusive, yet she loves him none-the-less, and she cannot get over him, even though his patterns of behaviour is traumatic for her...and torturous!! She (for some kind of reason) wants him back (his good side of course)...This "he" does tend to drink in massive amounts (nearly all the time) and smokes marijuana both of which cause him to be abusive...can he change? Everyone and everything screams out LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD AND FORGET HIM...but she is reluctant to let him go entirely...what should she do? Does anyone know of anyone who has actually changed?

@karljkampovsky Said

That kind of violent treatment will usually escalate! You may think you love him,but you will not change him! Unless it comes after drinking,and you can convince him to stop! But that is difficult,some times people who drink excessively will change after their drunken behaviour runs them afoul of the law! You should have him arrested for abusing you,and don't listen to his excuses,he will have them, of that you can be certain!
But if you are not married to him leave him!

@hope Said

yeah people MAY change , i wouldn't tell for sure because it depends on the individual's desire and willing to change completely.

However, from what you explain , i beleive he isn't good for that girl , and she should leave him. he got so many wrong qualities and attitudes . Why should she hurt herself that much for someone apparent doesn't deserve her????


ps: it's just my view of point .

@karljkampovsky Said

That kind of violent treatment will usually escalate! You may think you love him,but you will not change him! Unless it comes after drinking,and you can convince him to stop! But that is difficult,some times people who drink excessively will change after their drunken behaviour runs them afoul of the law! You should have him arrested for abusing you,and don't listen to his excuses,he will have them, of that you can be certain!
But if you are not married to him leave him!

@kyahbean Said

People can change, yes. But it's very rare, it takes years of work, and they have to want to get help.

My mother was in an abusive relationship for over a decade. They were both bikers, both heavy drinkers, and he beat the s*** out of her, abusing her verbally and physically for the better part of my life. He told her he would never marry her, that he wasn;t ever going to marry again after his last wife. I never understood why she stayed with him.

Then, when I was 13, and it had been 11 years they had been together like this, he quit drinking and joined AA, actually leaving her because she hadn't quit yet. about a year or maybe a bit more later, she quit drinking as well, joining AA. They got back together and decided to work it out.

He still abused her, it just wasn't as bad because he wasn't drinking, so he wouldn't go through the really bad bouts of it. But he was still insulting her, ordering her around, and treating her like a piece of his personal property. Yet she stayed.

After 15 years of being together in this dysfunctional relationship, they started going to counseling together. He started taking anger management and violence prevention classes. Things slowly got better.

A bit over a year ago, he asked her to marry him. He bought her a little diamond and married her. Today, they are happily married, but they still have backslides. They have been together over 25 years. He still insults her every now and then, and they still go to AA together and still attend therapy sessions.

So my answer to your question is yes, in rare instances, people can change. But it takes years and years of hard work and pain. And usually, much more often than not, they don't change.

So the question would then be to the hypothetical asker of this hypothetical question - would you be willing to go through 2 decades of suffering on a slim hope that maybe, someday, that abusive person *just might* treat you like a human?

@readsalot Said

I see this behavior all the time in my line of work. He will not change for her, he must want to change because his life ia going down the tube. Even when things get better things will set him off when least expected. An angry man has issues which escalate until he either destroys his life or makes drastic changes. Should she stay I would think she'd eventually be in hiding or die by his hand. It's a horrible situation that no one should endure. If she has been with him he has probably destroyed her psyche leaving her to feel unworthy of anything better. The angry man will take her down with him unless she runs like hell.

@xnuvax Said

Thank you so much for your story...I really appreciate it...it does help believe it or not.