Do our parents' past influence our future?

(Not sure where to put this, and the title kinda sucks, but here I go)

My mother used to tell me a few years ago that I was exactly like she was; when she was ____ (insert age here)She swears up and, left and right that she is nothing like her mother. But in reality they are identical. Both are manipulative, they always think they're right when they're really, really wrong, etc. They even both owned bars/clubs at one point in their lives.

I try not to follow my mother's foot steps. And so far I've been doing a good job. I haven't gotten pregnant and dropped out of school. Haven't gone through the whole "teen rebellion" stage in life. Haven't done 1/4 of the stupid s*** she has. So I ask, do teens grow up to be like their parents (or a parent) to an extent? Or do we get a blank slate, seeing as it's our lives we are in control of? Have any of you noticed this, or thought the same thing?

There's nature and nurture that can influence how a person grow up. As for you you learned from other experience,s nurtured by it. Some are nurtured by parents, peers, etc...Nature will also let you development in some other ways.

(Sorry for short replie. Used up all my strength and tiny brain power in other posts.. got 90 pts from 3 posts though .not that anyone cares.)

Some people model their behavior after things their parents did, others hate how their parents raise them and take all possible steps to not be like them.

Personally speaking, my father was a drunk, and both my parents smoke. I find both pretty unattractive qualities and so I don't drink or smoke.

However, I frequently go out of my way to make everyone happy, sacrifice my own time and fun for other people, etc. This is something my mom does constantly.

So it's a bit of both.

Nature v Nurture you say? And that's okay! 90 pts? Go you!!



I see myself in the first part, not wanting to pass on my own f*** ups to any future little tantans. I see where you're coming from though.

I think we get traits from our parents, genetically and from learned behaviours. I get told all the time that there are things about me that remind people of my Dad, who I lost when I was 4. And then there are things that, very regrettably, that I got from my step-dad... and of course things I got from my Mom... I think we make our own journeys tho. Everyone gets dealt a hand and it just matters how you play it!

Genetics doesn't make someone an a*****e though, I think that as to do with the learned behavior portion, lol. I know that I am the complete opposite of my mother, like down to the T. It's like she prides her self on a lie or something. Anywho, is it how one executes those learned traits that makes them similar to their parents?

Actually, genetics CAN make someone an arsehole, easily and often.
It's not their fault if they're born hyper, or aggressive, or violent, or many other things that can be affected by our brain chemistry.

BUT nurture has a lot to do with it too, more, I suspect.
My own father was a sociopathic bastard, so I set out to be a good Dad, and my kids tell me I did OK, they're adults now and not only still talking to me, they give every sign of actually loving this grumpy old dingo, lol.
However, I used my wits, and hid nothing from them, they grew up watching me smoke Ganja and drink and smoke ciggies, and we always discussed all of that, from the earliest days.
They none of them smoke or drink anything now, lol.
I didn't try to teach them not to, I didn't lecture or set rules, I just got them to nag me about it, to try to "help" ME, lol, and they loved doing it, they got to tell me off in front of their friends and adults, and to feel they had a strong role in the family.
It was sneaky, manipulative, yes, lol, and it worked, they developed healthy attitudes and habits without even noticing they were learning them!
Remember that if you ever have your own, it takes THOUGHT to raise a kid, no-one knows how to by instinct, we ain't built that way.
Also remember that kids will learn by example BEFORE anything else, so you have to make a real effort to live up to the standards that you want them to learn, or get real sneaky, lol.
The most important thing to recall about your children is that they will be independent adults all too soon, and you will one day have to answer to THEM for your parenting.

Being aggressive and being a douche are two different things. One to do with a hormone imbalance, the other to do with lack of caring. But I agree with everything you've said besides that! I'm happy to hear that you have such a great relationship with your kids as well

I'm afraid you might be over-simplifying, the complexity of the human brain is only now being unraveled and we have a VERY long way to go.
Hormones are only a tiny part of it, and are more immediate than long-term in their effect, usually.
There ARE some exceptions, obviously, but we still little understand ALL the effects, let alone in conjunction with brain-chemistry imbalances or mutations.
Even the lack of empathy CAN be caused by such problems, it's extremely hard to be definitive, just look up "sociopaths", my "father" was one, diagnosed as such, and he had as much care for others as your average dog-turd!
I'll give you douche-bag!
At ten I solo'd for the choir at an open-air combined Mass, in front of thirty thousand, and HE filmed it on the old Super8.
At fourteen I failed to win the State Junior Finals in tennis, so HE took that film and burned it in front of me!
Yet he had never attended a single competition, never supported me, he was always "too busy".
Ya reckon I love my dad?
Ya see why I wanted to be a GOOD Dad?
I still have a box FULL of my children's "Fridge Art", from their Kindy days to the present, and many many other mementos, some that will surprise them when they inherit them, lol!
Hidden away I have every single baby-tooth they ever put under their pillows, stuff it, I PAID for them, lol!
I've always been tempted to make them into a necklace or something for my daughter, I'd just LOVE to see the look on her face!

So, for arguements sake, you are taking every horrible thing your father has done towards you and turning (turned) it into a learning experpience for your kids? I'm assumming that you weren't too badly affected by your dad's horrid behavior, else you'd act the same way towards others and your kids. Which is essentially what I was asking.

I WAS affected, unfortunately, and was a not-very-nice person for a while, but I decided that that was STILL letting the bastard screw with my head, and that the best way to get back at him was to make myself BE a better person, that was before the kids. By the time they came along I was well on the way to recovery, and the healing power that they come with was enough to get me over the line.
Delivering your own child yourself, alone and scared s***less, has quite a marked affect on you, and I've had to do that twice!
My general rule-of-thumb was to ask myself.."What would the bastard do in this case"?..then to do the opposite!
That worked for me!
It was far from the only guide or criteria, I had never felt cut out to be a father, so I used every resource I could find, I read much, talked to others, LISTENED to others, watched, and thought long and hard about everything, and always tried to think long-term, a thing that many seem to forget to do these days.
The only real mistake I made was to marry a woman just like me dear ol' dad, lol, what does THAT say about me?
Still, it worked out good for me, she gave me the kids as babies and disappeared, and I got to raise them alone, a brilliant life, and one I am truly grateful for!

I'm sorry if I made it seem as if you weren't affected. I didn't know the extent... Anyways, it is good that you got out okay enough to know deep down that however he acted, isn't how you should. At least you relized your mistake and fixed it before they were old enough to know what was going on. Everything always has a way to work out in the end..It just might take a little while!

Nah, it's cool, I didn't get that from your posts.
You obviously see what I meant by thinking long-term too, that's encouraging in one so young. I wish you the pleasure of being a parent one day, if that's what you want, it adds dimensions and colours to your life that are impossible to explain in advance, but VERY real!
To hold that precious little creature in your hands, to peer into those deep innocent eyes, then to watch as they grow and become real people, to feel their arms about your neck, it is BLISS, nothing less.
Although, you also get nappies, tears, tantrums etc, lol, and eventually TEENAGERS, the single most annoying creatures ever invented, and the most wonderful!

I would agree with you there. We are horrible creatures! I hope that I remember this thread years from now..It's been very insightful.

I hope not! Because if I turned out to be JUST like my biological parents, I'd be a loose, teenage parent with drug addicts and an alcohol problem.

But their pasts have influenced me to do better with my life.