Islamic State, the notorious terrorist group has announced a master plan to kill tens of thousands of Americans by opening gun stores across the midwest and selling assault rifles at discount prices to trigger happy white teenage boys.
Abu Ibrahim al-Gobs***e told wildly cheering supporters this plan would result in the deaths of untold thousands of Americans every year, and that it would all be perfectly legal, thanks to the Kyle Rittenhouse judgement last week.
His stores will offer discounts of up to 10%, with a guarantee to beat the price of any gun sold at competing vendors and loyalty cards offered to anyone buying more than two firearms a year. Free bullets will be included in the cost of any sale of $500 or more.
The stores will also offer expert tuition in shooting in on-site firing ranges to help ensure their teenage customers never miss, which could allow victims to become inconvenient witnesses at any forthcoming trial.
It is intended the new retail chain will be called ‘American Patriot’, and will have a section devoted to easily concealed high calibre weapons with extended magazines which can be driven across state lines with impunity.
“In the name of Allah, the great and merciful, we will sell Americans high-quality guns at low, low prices,” he promised the jubilant crowd.
“Our prices will be so low you’ll think we’re craaaaaazy! We’ve approached Kyle Rittenhouse’s people about a sponsorship deal and we’re confident he can be the face of our new operation.
“With a 5-year warranty and money-back guarantee if anyone shot by one of our guns survives to testify against you, our assault rifles, shotguns and pistols will be ideal for firing at other Americans which will save us the trouble.
“They will fall upon each other like the whirlwind, like dogs, smiting each other down, praise be to God.
“More than they are already are, that is,” he added.
The National Rifle Association both welcomed and condemned the plans, saying that it was a God-given right to sell guns to Americans but they’d rather people weren’t so blatant about the consequences, thanks very much.
If the plan is successful, Islamic State plan to extend their reign of terror and death by opening McDonald’s franchises and giving away lethal firearms with happy meals.