Before you read these joke threads, please read this.

bump 8)

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house!"

From student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college freshman level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother’s son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomn, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led
down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had
given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden,
and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden,
turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent
gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night
during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the
way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your
waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,
I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your
hearing!"

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English
are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your
stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me,
I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some
Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" So the Englishman replied,
"Very sporting of your mother."

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and
staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch,
asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man
that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not
be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for
him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later,
the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the
bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely -
but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily,
curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and
shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
back door of the bar.He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits
and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically
reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either
a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential
and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll
display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what
you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his
father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around
slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your
father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and
says, "Oh my god! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are
living with a couple of whores."

There were three construction workers, an Englishman, and Irishman and
a Scotsman and they were sitting at the top of a building. The Englishman
opened his lunchbox and said, "Oh no, cheese spread sandwiches, if I get
them again I will jump off this building." The Irishman opened his
lunchbox and said, "Not again, if I get fish paste sandwiches again I am
gonna jump off this building." Then the Scotsman opened his lunchbox and
said, "Oh.. Peanut butter again... if I get this tomorrow I will jump."
The next day, the three were sitting at the top of the building, it was
lunchtime. The Englishman opened his lunchbox, saw the cheese spread
sandwiches and jumped off the building. The Irishman opened his, saw
the fish paste sandwiches and jumped off the building. Then Scotsman
opened his, saw the peanut butter sandwiches and jumped off the building
aswell. After the funerals, the men's wives got together; "Oh if only I
had given him something else he would be alive today," said the
Englishman's wife. "If I'd had just changed the filling my husband would
still be alive," said the Irishman's wife. "I don't know why my husband
did it," sobbed the Scotsmans wife, "he made his own sandwiches."

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of
business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so -
thereby proving that... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

I think thats classed as a groaner

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing
in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle "Whooee da
Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit, but, only a glancing blow, and is thrown,
ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending
a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle
whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to
batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His
friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened
and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man
replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He
realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points
to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree." The chief looks at the
tree and replies "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They
walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says "This is a
rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and replies "Rock." The padre is really
getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic
activity. The padre is really flustered and
quickly responds "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls
out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the
chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind
to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied: "My bike."