A few more

@rondetto Said

Paddy and a monkey are shot into space both with envelopes to open with instructions inside.
The monkey opens his envelope first,
It says: Micky check all seals on hatches, make sure the oxygen equipment is working properly, check the computers by entering the secret code you memorised.
Paddy opens his envelope, It says: Feed the monkey.

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Customer: "I’m looking for something cheap but high quality."
Salesperson: "You’re in luck! This pen writes just like a £100 pen."
Customer: "How much is it?"
Salesperson: "£99.99."

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I saw an envelope on my doorstep that said 'Do Not Bend'
I stood there for ages trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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This Friday Scotland play Germany at a 66,000 seated stadium. At the moment 33,000 seats have towels on them.

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I was once chatting to a young woman in a bar, and obviously I fancied her, it turned out she was a working girl, but I had no money, however I did have new pair of trainers, but she wasn't interested, I told her I was a great lover, lots of stamina, well endowed, she would not regret it, I could make her feel like most men couldn't, I was clean and healthy, and I promised her she would love it... so we made the deal... three minutes in she started writhing around, her legs wrapped around me, and she got into a position I'd not experienced before... I said, "I told you didn't I.." She said... "Don't flatter yourself, I'm just trying on the trainers..."

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I had the worst day ever yesterday, I paid a joiner to build me a double bed and he's done a bunk. It's just one thing on top of another.

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