A Diary Of 2020 - What Will You Remember Of This Year?

January:
Everything's fine. China has a cold, probably man flu or some s***.

February:
Bloody hell, China...

This is why we don't eat things that are still making plans for tomorrow. Best of luck to you though, China.

March:
Pffft....It's probably not that bad. The news likes to over dramatise everything.

Boris says he's got it under control. We'll just ignore the fact he doesn't seem to know what a hairbrush is and has the IQ of a chewed up crayon. WE ARE GOOD. Apparently.

Wait a sec...Where's all the bread gone?? Where are the toilet rolls..? Why is Tesco taped up like a multiple-murder scene..?

Should we wear masks now, Boris...? Yes...? Boris...? No...?? Boris....??

We're now home schooling. Oh, great...


April:
Our pensioners are given 3-5 working days to live. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DORIS STAY INDOORS..!! and if they try to take you to a care home, don't go... it's a trap...!!

Popping to your local CO-OP is bloody a death sentence so stop shuffling round 52 times a day looking for flour. THERE'S NO BLOODY FLOUR DORIS..!!

Erm...Can I have some toilet roll please..? No..? Well, when will there be some then..? You don't know. Great.

Let's all make masks out the our bra cups and hoard obscene amounts of bog roll like we're going to build a f***ing house with it. I swear they said this Bat Flu gives you a runny nose and not a runny arse.

Parents are rated "Piss poor and drunk" by Ofsted and the nation's kids are surviving on custard creams.

SEND HELP

May:
April was eleventyfourthousand days long. We've all got beards - including the women - and the fridge has taken out an injunction against me and my 12 chins.

Half of us are now gin soaked hermits who only crawl out on a Thursday evening to clap for a few minutes.

Boris says we've to go to work. But not go to work. But if we can't work we should definitely go to work. Only don't go by bus... or car.. or any public transport.

LETS ALL SPROUT SOME SODDING WINGS AND FLY THEN, EH? YOU BLOODY NUMPTY.

Masks...?? No...??


June:
Zoos and theme parks reopen. Well spank my a** and call me Charlie.

We spend most of this month in the queue for groceries with Linda who lives next door and her entire extended family, and the rest of the month cramming ourselves into Primark.

Still can't go see our Mums though....

And no masks.


July:
Bars re-open.

No one remembers anything else.. we're all s***faced and our kids are beyond feral.

Masks now though yes..? No..? Maybe...? FFS, Work it out you prat. You're supposed to be the bloody Prime Minister.

Actually... yes.. Eventually. At last, a decision. Or is it..? Maybe...

Yes. But not till the 24th.

Are we safe till the 24th..?? Has the virus been furloughed until then Boris..?


August:
Where the buggery bollocks did August go? Did Dominic Cummings erase it?

Boris where are you...? Scotland..? On holiday..? Send us a postcard you d***head... the country you're supposed to be running is going to s*** and you're shooting grouse in f***ing Scotland..!!!


September:
When the schools FINALLY re-opened we all thought we'd be hoofing the kids over the school fence with a pocket full of cheerios at the crack of Dawn. But in actual fact we're gutted and now feeling wistful for all the extra time and memories we've made.

So thanks for that Lockdown. Fair play, Thank You. Not you though Boris. You're still a f***wit with the intellect of a dead frog and your personality still has all the warmth and charm of rotting skunk carcass.


October:
Lockdown, yes no? Andy burnham stands up to Boris the knobhead and becomes king of the North like some mad episode of Game of Thrones’.

Anybody caught not wearing a mask will be summarily shot.

Winter is coming.

It’ll all end in "tiers".



December 31st. Phew, 2020 ends today. Next year can't possibly be that bad.



COMMENCEMENT OF DIARY FOR 2021

January 1: Dear Diary, Brexit happened today.....................

You are unfair to Boris! You omit his "Churchillian" speech that began....... "Er, um......um.....er....I mean....." (Waves arms, clenches fists, gestures determinedly, continues.....) "Um.....er.....we are all in this together" Exit door left, off to Scotland.

And now the weather:
I won't do a month by month blow, but..
27 named tropical storms, depleting the predetermined list of 21 names and moving through the Greek Alphabet now

9 have made landfall in the US.

And we're not done yet. Another "watch zone" has formed in the southern gulf.



Minimal effects where I'm at, but the gulf coast, especially Louisiana, have just been pummeled time and again.

Someone tweeting "I want to cancel my subscription to the Hurricane of the Month club"

Wiki has a blow-by-blow recap.

And while the south and east gets wind-whipped and drenched. The west gets torched with record wildfires in a "fire season" that now lasts 12 months.


I suppose to balance the equation, the mid-west (where I'm at) should expect regular 20' snowfall dumps or weeks of sub-zero weather.... (luckily, the two are not compatible)

Sept 15 peace deal with Israel.

That time peaceful protesters destroyed American cities.

I feel like the winter weather, would be like ... "hold my beer...I can snow at sub zero if i try hard enough".

STOP TEMPTING FATE!!!

In history books:

COVID-19 pandemic and closures, obviously.
Trump impeachment and Biden election victory.
Intensified BLM protests
Intensified fires in California

On a personal level:

Pandemic closure, resulting in both of us working at home and our son with zero social life outside of immediate family.
Refinance of home spurred by record low interest rates.
Stimulus money (plus extra from money not spent due to pandemic) spurring a record spending spree on complete overhaul of all of our furniture
We were going to have many memories of travel plans for this year, but that obviously was all put on hold for a year or two.

Pretty much sums up what we will remember of 2020.