the cycle

Do you ever get so frustrated you can’t seem to get it out? You pull your hair as hard as you can and yet it’s still burning your insides, seeping out, and driving you crazy. You can’t think the anger away. You cant cry the anger away. You just are there with it, a roaring boil inside, to the point where you feel like you’re going to explode. Your face is burning hot, tears are streaming down your face because you don’t know how to handle it. You’re scratching at your arms and you want to scream but you’ll wake everyone. Nothing in this world feels like it will help you calm down. This is pure rage. Boiling, crazy, uncontrollable rage. And for what reason? Your feeble attempts at thinking your way out of it fail. These keep happening over and over and you can’t control it. Throwing your phone or sobbing helps a little bit, but it’s still in the pits of your stomach. Shooting anger through every inch of your body. Until finally, the fire is put out. And the water rushes in. It floods you, it’s chilly and cold and you lose all your energy. The darkest cloud to ever exist engulfs you. You’re inside it. You can’t seem to think your way out of this. It pulls you deeper and deeper into the abyss. You’re told the most detrimental things. You feel hopeless. Wishing death upon you. Wondering why the universe is doing this to you. Wondering why you feel so alone. Despite your feeble attempts to escape this, you’re nothing compared to it. You can’t even talk without getting a mouthful of salt***er pouring down your face. You can’t talk, you can’t think. You just feel this overwhelming ache. It hits in the pit of your stomach, almost like a stab. It physically pulls on your heart, trying to rip it. And at the same time, your head is pounding, you think you’re having a heart attack but it’s just the abyss. You’re in so deep you can’t even see clearly. It’s so dark and murky. Then, you’re numb. The salt***er dried out. The tears have stopped. And it’s your broken and beaten body laid out for the vultures. You lie there, ready for any threat to come upon you. You try to cry, you can’t. You try to feel angry. You can’t. Everything is silenced like you have earplugs in. A faint ringing inside your head. No feelings left. Desperately trying to pull yourself back, remind yourself what you are upset about. Nothing can be found. It’s just you in an infinite murky grey room. Life passes by you. Sounds and noises creak from the house. Your neighbor is getting up for a midnight snack. You’re 1 door away feeling nothing. Staring at nothing, staring into space? It’s silent now. You have s*** to do tomorrow. Let’s get this s*** going. Cycle: Restart.

Well, I wonder, is this yet another of those posts that appear every now and then, launched from cyberspace, by who knows who. That sometimes receive an answer or two, some tip or other, which is then ignored........the original poster never coming back to respond. Who knows. The world is mad and growing madder by the day.

To spin off at a tangent, in the UK we now have our very own Covid19 Test & Trace system, developed at a cost of £12 Billion (sic) It is described by our PM as "world beating", this in spite of the fact that it does not work. But why quibble over small details like that. The system was brought low by a glitch in an Excel Spreadsheet, part of Microsoft Office, software available at £59.99. Reports tell us that "management consultants" - some being paid at a rate of £6250 per hour - have worked on the system over the past four months, ironing out the faults. Those developing the system were awarded the contract by our Government without consultation. Anyway, to cut a long story short, all this because using our NHS, or any nationalized service, would not be cost effective, the lack of competition invariably creating waste. Or so it is said when the "free market" is sold as the answer to all economic ills.

Anyway, all this in fact has much to do with the OP. At least as I see it. A state of near madness is described, which surely is a rational response to the greater madness now all around us. Where nothing is what it seems.

Seriously, try to THINK. Try to sort it out. WHY are you feeling this way? Believe in yourself. KNOW you are better than the madness around you.

Not much help, but alas I have responded in the past to a few pleas for help online and no one ever seems to return to pick up the tab. In the end it all becomes part of the greater madness.


If you are sincere I can only wish you well. A fellow human being.

Test & Trace: Was that the one where they used an old version of Excel that had a limit on the number of rows and a lot of records were lost?


... Aside from using Excel for what sounds like should be a database.
They probably developed it on their PC running Windows 95.