The "Nicotine" Solution

So I just got back from town after pawning the last of my (marketable) material possessions - The rest is just stuff pawn shops don't find valuable enough to accept.

It was all in vain to rescue myself from a monster nicotine jones when I woke up this morning.

I realized something for the first time this morning.

Many with MI have claimed that cigs work better than anti-psychotics for anxiety and I think I've discovered the exact reason why.

Back around 2007 or 2008 I had quit smoking for about six months.

During that whole smokeless period life felt stale. I didn't have the desperate clawing urge for nicotine after about four days of going without completely but I still felt dead inside.

The thing is, I didn't realize the slight depression I held for the entire duration of those six months until, one day at work, I bummed a smoke from a buddy during one of our breaks.

It was about ten minutes after finishing that smoke that I felt euphoric as if reverence for life had returned again.

BUT not only that, where my thoughts had slowed to a crawl, for those six months, I found that inspirations where, once again, coming to me left and right and I was able to tackle critical thinking again.

This morning during my jonesing I realized, for the first time, what had been frightening me so much to desperately go running for the smokes....

...when detoxification begins there is a severe head clouding (I have mentioned this before) that reminds me of the few times that I had tried marijuana as a teen.

Yes! Whenever I go without smoking for awhile I am overcome with a panicked fear simply because I go so brain dead that I don't even have the intellectual capability to express myself in words: "I placed my wallet on top of the shelf in the computer room" becomes a frustrated "That thing is in a room at the home *uuurrrggghh* *dribble*" and during these moments where I have been overcome with extremely slowed down thought process - I also become ragingly frustrated with people asking me questions. "Why do you keep ignoring me when I ask you questions??!! What is taking you so damn long to respond!!"

Its interesting that your post sounds like a junkie rationalising their addiction.

I'm not knocking it, I'm a smoker myself and know exactly where your coming from. I stopped for 5 years but its funny because all the way through those 5 years I knew I was going smoke again at some point.

Time to kick the habit again though I hate being a slave to something and therefore need to stop!

This is the only reason for quitting as far as I'm concerned.

My philosophy concerns dealing with outside society as little as possible seeing as the less who know you the less complications that you have.

The cigs are my last chain dragging me 'onto the scene' unnecessarily.