sick days:
we will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. if you area ble to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
maternity leave:
" kort-kort " pregnant is banned. you must first to your superiors and their approval, you'll then be be allowed to do pregnancy. it will only be allowed once in 10 years and you only get 1 month maternity leave. no male shall get leave related to his wife's pregnancy. sickness or even death ( he is not a midwife, a doctor, nor an undertaker. )
surgery:
operations are now banned. as long as you are an employees here, you need all your organs. you should not consider having anything removed. we hired you intact. to have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
holidays:
each employee will recieve 104 holidays per year. they called saturday and sunday.
bereavement leave:
this is no excuse for a missing work. there is nothing tou can do for dead animals or relatives. evry afforts should be made to have non-employees to attend to the arrangements. in rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary. the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
absent for own death:
this will be accepted as an excuse. however, we require at least ywo days notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
toliet use:
entirely too much time is being spend in toliets. in the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabitical order. for instance: all employees whose names begin with 'a' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, all employees whose names begin with 'b' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. if you are unable to allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until thr next day when your turn come again. in extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. both worker's supervisors must approve this exhange in waiting. in addition, there is now a strict 3-minutes time limit in the toilets. at the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toliet paper will retact, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
dress code:
it is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your salary. if we see your wearing designer clothes, we assume that you are doing well finacially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
thank you for the loyality to your government. we are here to provide a positive employment experience. therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, aggreavations, insinuations, alligations, accquisitions, contemplatations, consternations, or input should be directed everything.
have a nice day.
sincerely,
your government
p.s. please change the time spend reading this e-mail to ANNUAL LEAVE.
* reminder: also remember, in november, please re-elect your beloved president! do you REALLY want him to ask a republican for a reference?