barbie fight back !

ceo
mattel, inc.
el sergundo, ca.

dear mr. ceo,

listen you fat little troll, i've been helping out every year, playing at being the perfect christmas present, wearing skimy bathin suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and i hate to break it to you, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!

there has better be some changes around here this year, or i'll gonna call for a nationwide meltdown ( and trust me, you wanna be around to smell it.)


so, here's my 2011 resolution/wish list :


1. a nice, comfy pairs of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. i'm sick of looking like a hooker. how much smaller are there bathing suits gonna get? do you have any idea what it feels like to have a nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. real underwear that can be pulled on and off. preferably white. what bonehead at mattel decided to cheap out and mold imitation underwear to my skin ?!? it looks cellulite!

3. a REAL man ... maybe g.i joe, hell, i'll take tickle-me- elmo over that the whimped out excuse for my boyfriend, ken. and what's with that earring anyway ? okay, if i'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least, make him ( and me ) anatomatically correct.

4. arms that actually bend so i can push the aforementioned ken-whimpy away once he is anatomatically correct.

5. breast reduction surgery. i don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get done.

6. a jog bra. to wear until i get my surgery.

7. a new career. pet doctor and school teacher just doesn't cut it. how about a system anlayst? or better yet, and an adverstising account executive ?

8. a new, more 2000's personality. maybe " pms barbie ", completely with a miniature container of chocolate chip of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; " animal rights barbie ", with my very own stun gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handicuffs, or " stop smoking barbie ", sporting or a removable nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. no more mcdonald's endorements. the grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. it's been 50 years - i think i deserve it.

ok, mr. ceo, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, i don't think these requests are out of the line. if you disagrees then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next christmas. it's that simple !



yours truly,

barbie
dreamhouse
malibu, ca

Barbie is one tough cookie!!!

View Image

Dear Barbie,

Didn't I tell you already? I'm Gay and hooked up with G.I. Joe. We're a happy couple. I heard that Summer, your best friend since 2004, has a crush on you and wants to "hook up" with you. She told me to have you call her.

Best wishes,

Ken (I go by Kenny now)